Ahoy, mateys! International Talk Like a Pirate Day is almost here, so climb aboard for some pirate history, surprising facts, and jokes worthy of a true dad.
A stepdad is expected to know certain things.
How to reset the Wi-Fi. How to carry six grocery bags in one trip because going back to the car would be admitting defeat. How to inspect a strange noise downstairs at 2 a.m. And, of course, how to tell jokes that make the kids groan.
Fortunately, this weekend gives us an opportunity to expand that last skill.
Saturday, September 19, is International Talk Like a Pirate Day, which means Friday is the perfect time to brush up on our pirate vocabulary, learn a little history, and collect a few jokes to embarrass the family.
So grab your eye patch, summon your best Arrrrr! and come aboard.
Just don’t expect any actual treasure.
How Did Talk Like a Pirate Day Get Started?
You might assume International Talk Like a Pirate Day began at a pirate festival, a maritime museum, or perhaps over a bottle of rum.
Nope.
It started during a racquetball game.
In 1995, friends John Baur and Mark Summers of Oregon were playing racquetball when pirate-style banter somehow entered the game. They enjoyed it enough to decide the world needed an annual day devoted to talking like pirates.
They eventually settled on September 19. The celebration remained mostly an inside joke until syndicated humor columnist Dave Barry wrote about it in 2002. After that, their little joke sailed into popular culture. (Time and Date)
In other words, two grown men started talking like pirates while playing racquetball, and instead of asking themselves whether they should stop, they created a holiday.
You can’t help but respect that level of commitment.
Arrrrr! Did Pirates Really Talk Like That?
Here’s where things get interesting.
The pirate voice most of us recognize probably owes more to Hollywood than actual pirates.
Actor Robert Newton’s portrayal of Long John Silver in Disney’s 1950 adaptation of Treasure Island helped establish the familiar growling pirate voice. Newton came from southwest England and used a West Country-style accent for the character. The performance became so influential that generations of fictional pirates followed his lead. (Royal Museums Greenwich)
Actual pirates came from many different countries and backgrounds, so there wasn’t one universal “pirate accent.”
But historical accuracy has never stopped a good dad joke.
How does a pirate know he’s a pirate?
He thinks, therefore he arrrrrrr!
Descartes would probably like his name left out of this.
Pirates Probably Didn’t Make People Walk the Plank
This one surprised me.
Ask someone to picture a pirate punishment, and there’s a good chance they’ll imagine a terrified sailor inching along a wooden plank while pirates stand behind him with swords.
It makes for a great movie scene.
Historically, though, there’s little evidence that walking the plank was a common pirate punishment. Fiction owes much of the image’s popularity. Pirates had plenty of other, considerably less theatrical ways of dealing with enemies and rule-breakers. (National Geographic)
Frankly, I prefer the Hollywood version.
Especially for a Friday humor post.
What About Buried Treasure?
Surely that part is true.
Pirates buried wooden chests overflowing with gold coins, drew maps with dotted lines, and marked the treasure with a giant X.
Right?
Not so much.
Buried pirate treasure and elaborate treasure maps are largely products of legend and fiction. Pirates certainly stole valuables, but historians say they were much more likely to spend or trade their loot than bury it for someone with a metal detector to find 300 years later. (National Geographic)
Still, our pirate has an explanation.
Why do pirates bury their treasure 18 inches underground?
Because booty is only shin deep.
I’ll give you a moment.
Eye Patches, Peg Legs, and Parrots
Here’s some good news for pirate traditionalists: Hollywood didn’t invent everything.
Pirates could have had missing limbs and worn eye patches. Considering the dangerous conditions aboard ships and the rather primitive state of medicine, that’s hardly surprising. Historical accounts also support pirates keeping parrots and other exotic animals. (National Geographic)
Which brings us to an important financial question.
How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg.
Yes, I know.
Keep reading.
Pirate Education Was Apparently Complicated
If pirates had attended school, they might have struggled with the alphabet.
Why do pirates take so long to learn it?
Because they can spend years at C.
Apparently, all that time at C didn’t hurt their report cards.
What kind of grades did the pirate get in school?
High Cs.
And naturally, a pirate’s favorite school subject is Arrrrrr-t.
I can already hear teenagers across America asking their mothers to make Dad stop.
Which means we’re doing this correctly.
Pirates Had Rules
For all their reputation as lawless outlaws, some pirate crews operated under written agreements or codes.
These rules could address how loot was divided, behavior aboard ship, theft among crew members, and even compensation for serious injuries. Historical pirate articles show that losing a limb could entitle a crew member to compensation. (National Geographic)
So pirate life wasn’t simply:
Captain: “Do whatever you want.”
Crew: “Arrrr!”
There was an organizational structure.
Somewhere aboard that ship, there was probably a pirate project manager asking why the treasure recovery milestone was three weeks behind schedule.
As a project manager, I sympathize with that guy.
Pirates Have Kept Up With Technology
Even pirates have smartphones now.
At least according to our highly questionable pirate research department.
What kind of phone does a pirate have?
An aye phone.
Unfortunately, reaching one can be difficult.
How come you can never call a pirate?
They always leave their phones off the hook.
If you’re a younger reader and don’t understand that joke, ask your parents what “off the hook” means.
For those of us who do understand it, please don’t calculate how old that makes us.
A Pirate’s Career Options
Not every young pirate dreamed of spending his life sailing the high seas.
Some apparently had professional ambitions.
What did the pirate want to be when he grew up?
An arrr-chitect.
Others pursued music.
Their favorite genre?
Arrrrrr & B.
Favorite instrument?
The guit-arrrr.
I’m beginning to understand why pirates spent so much time alone at sea.
The Most Unusual Pirate of All
We’ll finish with my favorite because it turns the entire pirate stereotype upside down.
Imagine a man walking toward you on the deck of a ship.
You look carefully.
Two eyes.
Two arms.
Two legs.
No hook.
No peg leg.
No eye patch.
What do you call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?
A rookie!
Go Ahead, Embarrass the Kids
International Talk Like a Pirate Day isn’t really about pirates. It’s an excuse to be a little silly.
And families can use a little silliness.
So tomorrow morning, instead of saying, “Good morning,” try an enthusiastic “Ahoy, matey!”
Ask the kids whether they’re ready to set sail for school.
Tell them breakfast is being served on the poop deck.
On second thought, maybe skip that last one at the breakfast table.
And when your teenager rolls his or her eyes and says:
“Dad, please stop.”
Smile proudly.
Your work here is done.
Happy International Talk Like a Pirate Day, mateys!
And remember: Being a stepdad isn’t always smooth sailing. Sometimes the best thing you can bring aboard is a sense of humor.
Now It’s Your Turn, Matey!
Don’t let the fun walk the plank. Pick your favorite pirate joke from the blog and share it with your family today. Better yet, challenge the kids to come up with one of their own.
And remember, on September 19, regular Dad jokes become pirate Dad jokes. That’s not an excuse. It’s tradition.
Arrr you ready to make your crew groan?
