Bond, James Bond Jokes And Puns ~ Friday Humor

Gerardo Campbell11/06/2020

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007, 3D rendering, metal text on rust background

Last Saturday, Scottish born actor and producer Sir Sean Connery passed away at his home in the Bahamas. He was 90 years old. Over his 50-year acting career, he built an impressive resume of acting credits in movies like Marnie, The Untouchables, Finding Forrester, and The Hunt for Red October.

Did you know he was offered and turned down the roles of Morpheus in the Matrix and Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings? Also, did you know Star Trek producers originally wanted Sir Connery to play Spock’s half brother Sybok in Star Trek V: The Final Frontier?

The producers were so impacted by Sir Connery’s declination that they still purposed to sneak him into the picture. In The Final Frontier, Sybok steals the Enterprise in his efforts to seek out a mythical paradise in space. The location was named “Sha Ka Ree” by the writers in order to sound like “Sean Connery.”

In 1988, he won an Oscar for his supporting actor role in The Untouchables. However, he’s best known as the first actor to play the character James Bond in film, starring in seven Bond films between 1962 and 1983.

If you ever saw a James Bond movie you know he was “The Man with the Golden Pun.” Enjoy these 15 jokes and puns.

1.You can imagine my surprise when I saw James Bond making burgers in the park. I guess he had a license to grill.

2. James Bond is fast asleep in bed when suddenly there’s an earthquake! He’s shaken but not stirred.

3. After a week off, a bouncer in Glasgow turns up at his usual pub to start his shift at the door. As he walks in, the bartender says, “We could’ve used your help here last night. We had that Spanish actor in here, you know the fella from James Bond and that other film by the Coen Brothers. Causing all sorts of trouble, fighting and everything all night long.”

The bouncer asks, “Aye? Javier Bardem?” “Nah, we just kicked him out.”

4. I met James Bond at my university. After exchanging greetings, I asked him, “What’s your GPA?”
James answers, “4 – 2.4.”

5. Why is James Bond such a big fan of pottery? He has a license to kiln.

6. James Bond goes down to breakfast at a hotel. The hotel manager asks, “How was your wake up call, sir?”

“It was rather rude!” Bond replies, grumpily. “Oh no! Would you care to elaborate so we make sure not to make the same mistake again?” The manager asks. Bond answers, “Well, I was shaken, not stirred!”

7. If James Bond led such a high-risk lifestyle why wasn’t he called James Stock?

8. James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview. “Well Mr. Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill.

“Do you expect me to talk?” asks Mr. Bond. “No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye. “

9. If James Bond movies were about food. These could be their titles:

* On Her Majesty’s Secret Recipe
* Donuts are Forever
* Octopie
* Moonbaker
* The Spy Who Loved Meat
* License to Grill
* GoldenPie
* Diet Another Day
* All The Food In The World Is Not Enough
* Cashew Chicken Royale

10. What did the lawyer say to James Bond? I’d tell you but then I’d have to bill you.

11. Few people know, that James Bond once had a partner, Agent 014, but he was exposed as a double agent.

12. What did James Bond’s mother say as she was giving birth,”I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond.”

13. Who’s your favorite James Bond actor? They’re all good but I like Roger Moore.

14. What does the doorbell of James Bond sound like? Dong, Ding Dong.

15. Q is showing James Bond a new super high tech spy earpiece and Bond says, “Why don’t I just wear an AirPod? Everyone has them hanging out their ears nowadays. I won’t draw any suspicion.”

Q responds, “We researched them. Ours is less expensive.”

“There’s one major difference between James Bond and me. He is able to sort out problems.” ~ Sir Sean Connery

About the author

In 1995, Gerardo Campbell married into a blended family, becoming the stepdad to his wife’s two children. In 2011, he started Support for Stepfathers to reverse the nearly 70% divorce rate for blended families in the US. His website is to help and inspire stepfathers, aspiring stepfathers, and the women who love them. You can follow Support for Stepdads on Twitter and Facebook.