From A Stepdad To Stepmoms And The Men Who Love Them

Since starting Support for Stepdads, I’ve visited several blogs devoted to stepmothers. The number of stepmother blogs is plentiful, starkly contrasting the number of sites dedicated to stepfathers.

It must have something to do with how we men tend to be lone rangers and are not naturally wired to reach out to other men for help and support, but that’s a topic for another blog. This post is dedicated to women with the honorable title of Stepmother. 

Since first becoming a stepparent in 1995, I have experienced mixed emotions of disappointment, happiness, and surprise on Father’s Day. I can quickly identify with the feelings experienced by stepmothers on Mother’s Day.

The feelings are even more pronounced for stepmothers, considering their caregiver role. As stepparents, we feel as though we have all of the pain, frustrations, financial strain, and difficulty of being a parent in name only but none or very little of the rewards or pleasures. 

One stepmom stated, “As it [Mother’s Day] approaches, I am reminded how disappointed and hurt I used to be when my stepdaughter didn’t acknowledge me on this day. When I married my husband when my stepdaughter was only four, I always felt she viewed me as his wife rather than a stepmother.”

Another stepmom related how being wished a Happy Mother’s Day by her parents and friends also felt bad. “How could I sincerely accept their considerate remarks when my stepdaughter didn’t recognize or appreciate my efforts in this capacity? I felt fraudulent as a stepmother.”

A stepmother shared that my stepdaughter handed me a card – the most wonderful – in which she wrote a long note about how much she appreciated me in her life and knew I loved her.

“It was completely unexpected – and exactly what I needed to hear – that the day-in and day-out struggle of raising a family is worth it, that the things we do 364 days a year are appreciated and noticed. It didn’t matter that I wouldn’t be toasted as the best of the best – just that the sentiment was said. And as I went through my day, I pulled out that card and read it repeatedly.”

Takeaways

For Husbands

1. Show Appreciation

Use Mother’s Day to show your spouse how much you appreciate her being a good stepmother to your children. Make Mother’s Day special by lavishing her with something you know she’ll like. Remember to tell her you recognize her role as a stepmom is not easy and that you appreciate how hard she works.

2. Focus on What You Can Do

Don’t force your child(ren) to do something special for your wife on Mother’s Day. Your child might feel it’s dishonoring to his mom to show appreciation to his stepmom. Pushing your kids to do something might create resentment towards you and your wife.

Your wife may also notice the resentment and detract from anything you make your children do. Instead, focus on what you can do for your wife. 

For Stepmothers

1. Manage Your Expectations

The only thing you should expect on Mother’s Day is the unexpected. Setting your expectations low might be a good idea to minimize any hurt from unreasonable expectations. However, while your desire to be acknowledged by your stepchildren is reasonable, they may not have the maturity to sit down and tell you how much they appreciate you and the things you do.

Additionally, their loyalties may lie with their mother, and they may believe she will be offended if they acknowledge you as their stepmother.

2. Be Happy with Whatever Form of Gratitude you Get

Focus on your great job as a stepmother, regardless of whether or not it’s acknowledged. Also, be willing to accept and understand why your stepchildren may not reach out to you on Mother’s Day. 

3. Tell Your Spouse How you Feel

Your divorced husband might need to be made aware of the significance of Mother’s Day to you. He may be traumatized by his divorce and need help to see how much you do for his kids. 

So, let’s do what is good. We will reap a harvest of blessings at just the right time if we don’t give up. ~ Galatians 6:9.

Here are six stepparenting challenges and their solution.

In 1995, Gerardo Campbell married his now ex-wife, becoming the stepdad to her two children. He started Support for Stepfathers in 2011 to reverse the nearly 70% divorce rate for blended families in the US. His website is to help and inspire stepfathers, aspiring stepfathers, and the women who love them worldwide. You can follow Support for Stepdads on Twitter and Facebook.