I was recently contacted by a stepdad Greg who shared the following.
Greg’s Story
Greg is a stepdad of nine years to his nine-year-old stepdaughter, Diane. He feels he’s being made to look psychotic by Diane.
Greg does feel Diane respects him more than her biodad, Frank, who has never been there for her. However, since Frank has recently got out of prison, he’s been showering Diane with gifts.
Now Greg feels forgotten about by Diane because of her focus on her biodad. Greg wants advice on how to deal with the current circumstances. He doesn’t want to disparage Diane’s biodad. Greg hates Frank and describes him as a “terrible” person.
My Take
Before I begin, my only credential is from personal experience and those experiences shared with me by other stepdads. I’m not a counseling professional.
I believe I can understand your frustration. As a stepdad, you’ve been there physically, emotionally, and financially for your stepdaughter since birth.
Until recently, you’ve been the only father she has ever known. Suddenly, her biodad enters the picture, and you feel betrayed and abandoned by your stepdaughter. To quote your words, “mentally thrown” to the wind.
The Bond
The Biodad
Your Relationship
What’s Next?
The following is from Karla Downing, a Southern California marriage family therapist. Karla is a regular contributor to the blog.
Your advice to Greg was good. I would add a few things:
Frank is a novelty to her. He is also doing what kids love, which is to shower her with gifts and fun. It’s highly likely Frank will not be there for the long haul.
She will not replace you with Frank. She will always know it is you that have been there for her consistently. Don’t doubt that. Every kid wants to know bio parents.
There is a hole when they aren’t there. It is good for your step-daughter that her dad is in her life in whatever form she can get him. Keep that in mind. It is also normal for you to feel jealous and uncomfortable.
You are feeling pushed aside (angry, resentful, overlooked, hurt), and you are feeling protective of her because you don’t know Frank. This is another sign you are there for her for the long haul and are feeling all the things a true father should feel.
Now the hard part is to not act out on those things. When you say she is making you look psychotic, my guess is you’re having trouble containing your reaction. I would suggest you talk to your wife about it if you haven’t already.
Your step-daughter doesn’t need to have this put on her unless she notices it and asks you. In that case, you can be honest about feeling pushed aside and protective without putting her dad down. I agree if you make Frank your enemy, it won’t be good.
You don’t want him to try to get in between you and Diane or to make him feel threatened by you. Your wife should be the one who keeps Frank a safe distance based on what she knows about him.
The following is from Karla Downing, a marriage family therapist. Karla is a regular contributor to the blog. She lives in Southern California.
Your advice to Greg was good. I would add a few things:
Frank is a novelty to her. He is also doing what kids love which is to shower her with gifts and fun. It’s highly likely Frank will not be there for the long haul.
She will not replace you with Frank. She will always know it is you that have been there for her consistently. Don’t doubt that. Every kid wants to know bio parents.
There is a hole when they aren’t there. It is good for your step-daughter that her dad is in her life in whatever form she can get him. Keep that in mind. It is also normal for you to feel jealous and uncomfortable.
You are feeling pushed aside (angry, resentful, overlooked, hurt) and you are feeling protective of her because you don’t know Frank. This is another sign you are there for her for the long haul and are feeling all the things a true father should feel.
Now the hard part is to not act out on those things. When you say she is making you look psychotic, my guess is you’re having trouble containing your reaction. I would suggest you talk to your wife about it if you haven’t already.
Your step-daughter doesn’t need to have this put on her unless she notices it and asks you. In that case, you can be honest about feeling pushed aside and protective without putting her dad down. I agree if you make Frank your enemy, it won’t be good.
You don’t want him to try to get in between you and Diane or to make him feel threatened by you. Your wife should be the one who keeps Frank a safe distance based on what she knows about him.
Thank you, Karla, for adding your insights. It’s very appreciated.
Gerardo