Why Do Kids Hate Their Stepparents? Understanding Loyalty Binds
Loyalty Binds in Blended Families
One of the hardest things about being a stepparent is confronting the fact you may never have a warm parental relationship with your stepkids. Sometimes the best we can hope for is peaceful neutrality, especially if the step kids are older. But too many step parents and stepkids have angry relationships – just look at social media. When you look at social media like Quora and Reddit, there are hundreds of responses to discussions about why stepchildren hate their stepparents. Some are from the kids, some are from the parents, but even a quick look will tell you just how dire some step-situations are.
It doesn’t have to be this way. Peace is possible, but it requires understanding the emotional and psychological dynamics of life in a stepfamily. Kids don’t hate their stepparents for any one simple reason; there are tons of complexities behind why these relationships sour. One major one is the loyalty bind.
What is a Loyalty Bind?
Many children feel that liking, or even accepting, a stepparent is an act of betrayal against their biological mom or dad. This is known as a loyalty bind, and when a child is dealing with one of these, they will keep you at arm’s length or reject you on principle, no matter how kind you are.
How Loyalty Binds Form – A Child’s Perspective
To understand loyalty binds, you need to look at them from the child’s perspective.
They might think that they are protecting their parent’s feelings by resenting you, which can cause intense emotional distress.
Loyalty binds may also arise from the lack of control the child feels they have over the relationship. They’ve already undergone so many changes during the divorce and remarriage process; now they have to deal with another one. The loyalty bind can emerge as a coping mechanism or a way for the child to feel some control.
In these cases, resisting a stepparent becomes a way for the child to assert their own agency in a situation where most decisions have been made without their input. Rejecting you might feel like one of the only choices they get to make.
How Loyalty Binds Form – Confusion
Confusion also fuels loyalty binds. Everyone in a stepfamily can be unclear about their roles at first, and a child might wonder, “Do I have to listen to my stepdad like I do my real dad? What do I call him? Why is this stranger acting like a parent?” This ambiguity can make children anxious or defiant as they test boundaries, especially because it’s often difficult to put uncertainty into words.
Sometimes a biological parent or other relative will intentionally or unintentionally reinforce a loyalty bind. A bio parent might have unkind things to say about the person they see as their replacement. In some cases, especially volatile divorces, they may even try to sabotage the relationship and use the children as pawns in their bad relationship with their ex.
How Loyalty Binds Form – Unintentional Cues
Other times, the bind is maintained through unintentional cues, like a sigh when your name is mentioned. Simply not encouraging the child to bond is a way that loyalty binds are maintained. Kids are perceptive, and they pick up on these emotional signals even when nothing explicit is said.
These cues can shape their understanding of what’s “allowed” when it comes to caring about a stepparent. Without open encouragement or emotional permission to connect, the child may feel stuck between pleasing one parent and betraying another, even if no one ever puts it into words.
Handling and Overcoming Loyalty Binds
Overcoming a loyalty bind can be hard, because kids need to feel like they have permission from the other parent to accept you. If possible, discussing the loyalty bind with the other parent can be very helpful. They’re the only ones who can really break a loyalty bind by telling their kid that it’s ok to accept you.
But in many situations this simply isn’t possible – it’s unlikely your spouse’s ex will want to discuss something so emotionally vulnerable with their ex’s new partner… or their ex. Emotions run high after a divorce! One way you can help with this is to make it a point to speak respectfully about the other biological parent, even if tensions are high. This creates emotional safety for the child and models how to hold multiple loyalties with grace.
It can help if your spouse lets the child know that it’s ok to be friendly with you, and that it’s not a betrayal of the other parent. Don’t try to replace the other parent; you’re not “new mom” or “new dad.” Remember, loyalty binds emerge when kids feel that accepting a stepparent’s love is a betrayal of their other parent. The key here is to never ask them to choose sides. Let them know it’s okay to love all the adults in their lives. You’re not here to replace anyone; you’re an addition, not a subtraction.
Don’t Force It
It’s also important to remember to be patient and not try to force the relationship. Loyalty binds are stronger when a child feels unsure about your role or your motives. Focus on building a relationship through shared experiences, consistency, and genuine interest. Let the connection develop at the child’s pace, rather than trying to manufacture closeness or earn their affection right away.
Don’t Take It Personally!
It’s important to remember that loyalty binds aren’t about you; they’re about the child’s feelings. Even if they like you, they still might push you away, because they feel guilty about having positive feelings towards you. Understanding this behavior comes from internal conflict, not malice, can help you respond with patience instead of hurt or resentment.
Kids may express anger, guilt, or withdrawal when stuck in a loyalty bind. Rather than correcting or dismissing these emotions, make space for them. You can say something like, “I know it might feel weird getting close to me when you care so much about your other parent. That’s completely okay.” This acknowledgment can release some of the internal pressure they’re feeling.
However, do understand that not all rejection comes from a loyalty bind. Sometimes… well, sometimes it is personal. I read a story on Reddit recently where a 39-year-old stepmom was upset her husband’s daughters were rejecting her. The daughters were also in their late 30s. No 37-year-old in the world is going to call a woman just two years older than her “Mom,” and if that’s anything like your situation, you’re going to have to balance your expectations. That’s not a loyalty bind; that rejection had other causes.
Work Together
Children are less likely to feel conflicted when the adults in their lives present a united front. Co-parenting dynamics that are civil reduce the need for children to pick sides. If loyalty binds are causing serious stress, family therapy can provide a neutral space to work through emotions. A skilled therapist helps kids share concerns and guides adults in seeing family dynamics they might not recognize themselves.
Loyalty binds don’t mean a blended family can’t thrive! They’re just a sign a child is navigating complicated feelings with the tools they have. Your steady, understanding presence can be exactly what helps them untangle those knots over time. Don’t give up. Stay present and patient, and give everybody space and grace.
Have you dealt with loyalty binds in your blended family? What are your thoughts on dealing with them? Sharing your experiences in the comments can help stepparents just like you work through tough relationships. And for more thoughts on the trials and triumphs of the blended family, check out the Support for Stepdads blog!
