Conversation is one of the best ways to connect with your stepchildren. If you want a meaningful conversation with your child that will reveal their feelings and opinions, you will need to learn how to effectively lead a conversation.
To connect with your stepchildren will require you to meet them where they are in getting them to share their thoughts with you. Here are seven tips:
- Dump the Interrogator Approach. Only works in Law & Order. I understand you’re asking questions because you’re interested in their lives, but our children often hear us as interrogators or testing them to see if they say the “right” answer.
- No Single Right Answer. To get your children to open and share more, first let them know most of life’s questions can have more than one right answer. Then start asking them questions where any answer is okay.
- Praise the Thought Process. Responding, “Great answer!” is counterproductive. Some children may interpret that to mean, “That person got it right.” Instead praise your child’s thought process, for example, “I’m impressed with your thinking” which will encourage your child to share even more.
- Let your Child Set the Pace. Children tend to speak or tell stories slower than what we are used to in our adult conversations. As parents, we may be unknowingly sending non-verbal signals telling our child, we are not really interested, or we are in a hurry. Children pick up on these signals and will not bother trying to engage in a conversation.
- Patience. Also some kids may initially shy away from even creative, open-ended questions. If that’s the case, when your at the dinner table they can first listen to conversations where everyone is giving a different answer to the same question – and all answers are treated with respect. Be patient once they trust the process they’ll start participating.
- Full Attention. You must give your child your full (100%+) attention. As difficult as it may be, do not interrupt your child during their story. Allow them to get it all out before you begin to ask them questions. Questions should be asked in a way that requires your child to reveal how they felt about an incident.
- Just Listen. As a stepparent, you want what is best for your children. It is difficult to see them struggle, but they may just need a sounding board. Just listening to them and asking questions can help them solve the problem on their own. You can strengthen your relationship with your child by practicing active listening skills.
The dinner table is a great place to start conversations! These topics can keep the communication lines open and give you a peek into your child’s heart and mind.
- What’s a good way to respond when someone compliments you?
- If you could receive one thing in the whole world as a present right now, what would it be?
- What do you want to be when you get older? Why?
- What is the silliest thing you have ever said or done?
- What do you like to spend your allowance on?
- What is one thing you don’t know how to do that you wish you did?
- What’s a good way to respond when someone criticizes you?
- What thought lifts your spirit when you feel discouraged?
- What’s the best thing about being a kid/tween/teen?
- What does integrity mean? Why is it important?
- What is honor? Can you think of an example of someone acting honorably?
- Name a costume or an item of clothing you’d love to have a chance to wear.
- What do you like to daydream about?
- What’s your favorite summer memory?
- What important life lesson have you learned the hard way?
- If you could make your own movie, what would it be about? Where would you set it?
- What are the most important things to include in a sincere apology?
- If I gave you a “thank you” card right now, who would you send it to? Why?
- If someone is mean to you or treats you unfairly, how would you respond?
- Why is it important not to give up on something just because it’s hard to do?
- What are some ways our family can show generosity to others?
- If you could set up a reading nook or homework corner anywhere in the house, where would it be and how would you make it comfortable?
- If you could be a teacher, what subject would you teach and how would you make learning fun?
- What are your favorite ways to relax and unwind?
- What special qualities does it take to be a good dad?
- Is there anything you’re afraid to try or do, and if so, what are your fears?
- What qualities does a person need to be a good friend?
- What’s one thing you’d like to accomplish this year?
- What’s the most hilarious dream you’ve ever had?
- How do you define successful?
- What’s the most interesting website you’ve visited this week?
- What matters to you the most when you’re at school?
- If you could be a character from a book, who would you be and why?
- What would you like to go back and change about today?
- What do you hope to do or learn this year?
- How would you help a friend who needs encouragement?
- What’s the most important thing people need to know about God?
- What’s your favorite thing about back-to-school time?
- If you could have any wild animal in the world as a pet, which animal would you choose, and why?
- What are you looking forward to most during summer vacation?
- What’s your favorite book and why do you like it?
- What are some ways you can help unpopular or “different” kids in your class feel accepted?
- What’s the first thing you would do if you were elected President of the United Status?
- If you could be a superhero, what kind of power would you have?
- If you could be an explorer for National Geographic, what area of the world would you most like to explore?
- If you could choose your own nickname, what would it be?
- If you were given one chance to travel back in time, what event would you like to see?
- What is one question you are looking forward to asking God?
- If you could invent one thing to make life easier for people, what would you invent?
- When you grow up and have children, what will your kids like most about their uncles and aunts (i.e. your brothers and sisters)?
- If you could plan the kids’ menu for a restaurant, what dishes would you serve?
- What is one thing you prayed about today?
- If your friend was ill and confined to bed, name three things you could do to brighten their day.
- If you could be invisible for a day, where would you go and what would you do?
- If you were asked to organize a field trip for your class, where would you take them?
- What are some meaningful ways to show love to others?
- If you had a time-machine, would you go to the future or the past; and why?
- What do you like most about Christmas?
- What are your dreams for the future?
- Can you think of some fun ways to help others – like your teacher, our pastor or our neighbors?
- What’s your favorite holiday and why?
- If you were to write a book, what kind of story would it be?
- What’s the best way to spend a rainy day?
- How do you think we could become closer as a family?
- Why do you think God loves us so much?
- If you could celebrate your birthday in any way you like, what would you do?
- What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?
- How do you think God wants us to respond to difficult people?
- What’s your favorite thing about fall?
- What are you looking forward to most about this school year?
- Who are your heroes?
- What do you think is the best way to make friends?
- What kinds of things do you daydream about?
- If you could be someone else for one day, who would you be?
- What’s your biggest challenge at school?
- What’s your best family memory?
- Who is the funniest person you know?
- What would you like to be better at?
- What gifts or talents do you think God has given you?
- What’s your favorite thing about Grandma and/or Grandpa?
- What’s the most courageous thing you’ve ever done?
- Has God been teaching you anything new lately?
- If you could learn a new skill or talent, what would it be?
- Do you want to have a family of your own someday? Why or why not?
- What do you think it would have been like to be one of Jesus’ disciples?
- What’s the best dream you’ve ever had?
- Is there anyone at school or church that you look up to or want to be like? If so, why?
- Who is your best friend and what makes him or her so special?
- What do you think your biggest fear is?
- What’s your favorite Bible story, and what do you like best about it?
- What other countries in the world would you like to visit someday?
- Is there anybody at your school who’s new or seems to be left out a lot?
- What do you think an angel does all day?
- What’s your favorite hobby or interest?
- If you could fly, where would you go and what would you want to see?
- What do you like best about our family, and how can we make our family even better?
- What was the best part of your day today?
- What would you say to God if He were sitting here at dinner with us?
- What are your favorite and least favorite subjects at school?
- What do you want to be or do when you grow up?
- Who’s your favorite teacher at school, and what do you like best about him/her?
- What’s your funniest joke or story?
As a stepparent it is important to try and foster close relationships with your stepchildren. The best time to start is before you say, “I do.”
Engaging your children in conversation is just one fun and creative way to bond with your stepchildren.
