The following is from the original Ezinarticle,”Teenagers and Trouble – How Parents Can Keep their Teens Out of Trouble” was written by Sue Blaney. After the article I identify specific considerations for stepdads raising teens in a blended family.
Teenagers are a work-in-progress and parenting teenagers can be tricky business. Many kids get into some kind of trouble at some point, and, although this can provide them a powerful learning opportunity, taking a “kids will be kids” attitude is downright irresponsible parenting. Good parenting requires us to remember that even if they look fully grown they are not. Teenager issues abound and parents need to be aware of all we can do to keep our teenagers on the straight and narrow. Here are some tips to help you keep your teen out of trouble because what you do can make all the difference.
1. Cover the Basics. The “basics” count more than anything else. Let your teen know they are loved unconditionally and they won’t want to let you down. Not wanting to disappoint parents really is a big deterrent for teenagers.
2. Expectations. Let your teenager know what you expect of them. Be specific. Let them know where the boundaries are firm and where there is room for negotiation. Share your values. Be clear in your communication so there is no room for confusion.
3. Invest in your Relationship. Spend time together having fun. Listen to your teen’s thoughts, goals, fears and questions. Show them you care about what they say, think and feel. Give teens meaningful praise when they show the behavior you expect.
4. Outside Interests. Encourage them to develop healthy outside interests. Sports are wonderful as is participating in music and theatre, clubs…almost any other such activity. Not only does this keep your teenager busy in a productive way it helps to build them self-esteem. A healthy sense of self-esteem can keep kids from getting into trouble.
5. Responsibilities. Help your teenager develop responsibilities. A teen with responsibilities will be more mature, more reliable, and have a higher self-esteem than one without responsibility.
6. Say No. Look in the mirror and practice saying “no.” You’ll know if this applies to you; if you have trouble saying “no,” practice. It is a parent’s job to say it sometimes; and it may be the most important to do so when it’s the hardest so get prepared.
7. Ask Questions. Learn how to ask the right [sometimes hard] questions of your teen and don’t be afraid to pick up the phone and [tactfully] verify what they’re telling you. (see next item) Be plugged in to what’s going on in your teen’s life. Get your teen used to the fact that you know other parents and that you will be in touch with them.
8. Ask Friends’ Parents Questions. Learn how to ask the right [sometimes hard] questions of your teen’s friends’ parents. Probe. Find out if there really is going to be supervision to your satisfaction. Not all parents are as vigilant as others. Offer to help supervise. Offer to send food. Keep it friendly, but be clear.
9. Monitor Cell Phone & Internet Usage. Be smart about cell phone and internet use. Cell phones can be your friend and help you and your teen stay in touch but they can also be abused. Teens have been known to be places other than where they say they are and if the cell phone is the only method of contact parents can be caught unawares. Have a good sense of what your teen is doing on the internet and consider using some of the blocking methods available.
10. Be Aware of Drug & Alcohol Use & Abuse. Know the facts about drug and alcohol use and abuse. Your teen needs you to be knowledgeable, otherwise you are unable to help her in this area. Know what is common in your kid’s school. Know what the signs are of use and abuse. Do not stick your head in the sand. Be vigilant, informed and smart.
11. Provide Outlets for Emotional Tension. Teenagers feel emotions twice as intensely as adults and this is a developmental fact. Intense emotional responses can impact their behavior and so parents need to encourage teens to have appropriate outlets for emotional tension. Physical activity is particularly effective.
12. Be Available. Expect to give up your weekend. Not all the time…but you may not actually have the freedom you envisioned when they were little. You need to be attentive to keep them safe and you need to be around and available.
13. Set a Great Example. Earn your teenager’s respect by your good, honorable, ethical and respectable behavior. Your teenager is learning about adult behavior from you and they are likely to behave like you. Better give them a great example!
Parents have tremendous influence…don’t underestimate the importance of your behavior because what you do counts – a lot!
I’m in agreement with all of the points made by Sue above. However, I feel there are some additional considerations if you’re a stepdad raising teens in a blended family.
- Unity of Purpose. Ensure you and your wife agree upon established rules and consequences that are applied equitably to all teenagers (step and biological) in the household. Put the rulers and consequences in writing and have you, your wife and teenagers sign.
- Discipline. Discipline should be handled by your wife – the biological parent. It is important (while you are not a direct disciplinarian) your wife explains to her teens they will be required to respect you not only as a stepparent and as a member of the family but also as an adult.
- Don’t Take it Personally. Accept the fact you are an outsider – your wife and her children were a family long before you entered the picture. If the teen initially resents your appearance on the scene don’t take it personally. It isn’t necessarily you as a person they are resentful of it is the situation you represent. You are proof positive their parents’ marriage is over, it failed and there is no going back now. This can be difficult for a teen to accept, so be patient and considerate of the various emotions they are experiencing.
- Moving in with the Other Bioparent. It’s fairly common for a kid who has lived primarily with one parent for years to want to change households and live with the other parent. Household shifting is especially common when a boy has been living with his mom and wants to be in closer contact with his dad a male role model.
- Connect with Your Stepchildren’s Dad. In order to avoid misunderstandings, confusion, frustration, or any other negative emotions be sure you attempt to hold an open and honest discussion with your stepchildren’s father. This discussion will essentially allow you to listen to his or her expectations about what role you will play in your stepchildren’s lives. Let him or her know you have absolutely no intention of replacing them in any way and your main goal is to serve as an additional resource for him/her, helping to provide supervision and/or guidance (when necessary).
- Coaching/Mentoring Relationship. Have someone other than your wife you can go to share your concerns, frustrations and get advice from other than your wife. She probably won’t be very receptive to hearing complaints about her kids, at least not all of the time.
To learn more about effectively parenting your teenager buy the book Parenting Teens with Love & Logic. Whether you have troubled teens, average teens, or great teens, this book provides a plethora of answers for parents with questions about being the best parent they can be. The love and logic program teaches parents how to love their child by taking care of themselves and by allowing their teen to suffer real world consequences. The book is half instruction and half ideas and suggestions for resolving common teen problems such as parties, friends, drugs, sex, back talking, etc. Suggest you make it part of your permanent library.
