Some of the feelings we have as stepdads are closely held out of fear we’d be considered warped, evil or something worst. It’s time to come out of the shadows and enter the light! Once you understand many of your emotional reactions are a normal part of stepfamily development and you’re not crazy, you can accept life in a blended family easier.
Read the following list of the top ten most common feelings stepfathers have and with honesty and objectivity check off the ones you’ve experienced. If you haven’t had these particular thoughts but other even more embarassing ones then read on anyway because you’re still accepted here. I have felt:
__Contempt for my wife because she won’t stand up to her children or the ex.
__Hurt because I do so much for the kids yet they still treat me like I don’t matter.
__ Jealous when my wife kisses or hugs my stepdaughter/stepson or angry when one of the kids disrupts my plans for couple time.
__ Hesitant to discipline my stepchildren.
__Irritated at the ex-husband’s behavior.
__Disgusted – I can’t get the picture of my wife and her ex having sex out of my head since my stepchild is a constant reminder she has slept with someone else.
__ Tired because I am the one who has to do all the changing to fit into their family.
__Invisible to my stepchildren and wife.
__Sad because if it were just my wife and me we wouldn’t have all these problems.
__Defensive of my children because my wife treats mine differently than her own.
Do any of those sound familiar to you? If so, you’re not alone, Stepdad. Stepfathers all over the world have felt the very same things. In order to begin moving away from the negativity of sadness, hurt, resentment and contempt here are a few things to try.
Build a Reservoir of Positive Feelings
Besides educating yourself about stepfamily dynamics, creating positive feelings is the single most important thing you can do. Build emotional connection points with your spouse by doing fun things together. Create pleasant memories with your stepchildren by having a laugh about something you shared. Workout or pursue your favorite hobby so you feel good about yourself. Build those positive vibes in any way you can think of and they’ll influence every other part of your step-life.
Learn about the Cycles of Stepfamily Development.
Here’s an important announcement: You’re normal. You’re sane not insane. You’re a good man not evil, wicked or selfish. You’re a stepfather. If you know that your feelings of resentment toward her stepdaughter are stemming from the fact you are the outsider longing for the same level of intimacy with your family they have with each other then it can be easier to move toward new feelings such as compassion and empathy. Learning about what is normal can ease your feelings of guilt or shame and open you to deeper bonds with your stepchildren and your wife.
Talk to Your Wife About What you Each Think Your Role Is
Have an open discussion about what each of you thinks a stepfather should be doing. You might surprise each other with your notions about what kind of disciplining and level of involvement a stepfather should have. Be honest with each other about your hopes and your disappointments but keep your eye on the big picture here: You want to create a team approach. The tighter you are as a couple, the stronger your stepfamily will be. Be kind to each other as you talk about these emotionally loaded topics.
Find a Stepfather Friend you can be Really Honest With
If you don’t have a friend who’s also a stepfather you can talk to on the phone or in person, find one right now. Make that your goal. You need someone you can be transparent with about all those thoughts and feelings you have that you can’t share with your spouse or your non-stepdad friends and family. But don’t just vent the entire time. Once you’ve let off steam, help each other brainstorm action you can take to move you to more positive ground.
Counteract Negative Feelings with a Gratitude List every Day
Negative feelings seem to carry more weight with people than happy feelings so stepdads tend to forget all the wonderful things they love about their stepfamily life when they are focusing so intently on what is not working. When I start coaching sessions by asking men what their happiest memory of their courtship days are we end up in a much happier place by the end of the session than when we start right in with the challenges. So what are you grateful for about your spouse or stepchildren? What are you grateful to the ex-husband for? Write down five things you’re thankful for every single day.
Be Curious
If you are stuck wishing your stepchildren would stay at their dad’s house or fantasizing the ex is hit by a bus try turning on your curiosity. Ask yourself questions that spark your interest such as: I wonder why my stepson is so belligerent today. Maybe something happened at school. Maybe he’s hitting puberty? I wonder why the ex is so angry? Could he be scared? Could he be insecure because he thinks I’ll judge him?
Rest assured if you’ve had a terrible, ugly thought about your stepfamily life, another stepfather has had the exact same thought. Even better? Instead of dwelling only on what isn’t working you can decide to focus on positive thoughts and actions that can help you build a happy stepfamily.
