How To Speak With Children About Violence And School Shootings
Helping Kids process Violence with Truth, Love, and Faith
- September 10, Evergreen High School, Colorado.
- August 27, Annunciation Catholic School, Minnesota.
- August 15, Southeast Raleigh Magnet High School, North Carolina.
- April 22, Ridgewood High School, New York.
- April 22, Northeast Denver Middle School, Colorado.
- April 16, Brewer Academy, Texas.
- April 15, Wilmer-Hutchins High School, Texas.
- April 10, Newark ASPIRA Charter High School, Delaware.
- April 10, Billingsley Elementary School, Maryland.
- April 10, Wisdom High School, Texas.
- April 8, Lakeland Elementary School, Washington.
- April 7, Lee Hill Elementary School, Virginia.
- March 27, Pete & Gracie Hosp Elementary School, Texas.
- March 4, Lansdowne High School, Maryland.
- February 25, Bethesda-Chevy Chase High School, Maryland.
- February 6, Challenger Elementary School, Alabama.
- February 1, Pasadena Memorial High School, Texas.
- January 30, Madisonville Primary School, Tennessee.
- January 27, Kentridge High School, Washington.
- January 22, Antioch High School, Tennessee.
- January 14, Newburgh Free Academy, New York.
- January 13, Comstock Middle School, California.
There have been 53 school shootings since the start of 2020; these are just the ones at Kindergarten -12th grade schools. Each incident is a nightmare for parents and kids; that’s impossible to comprehend. However, your kids, regardless of their age, will inevitably have questions. You must have a plan in place for what your answers might be.
The Golden Rule: Be Honest
Kids look to you for answers, even when you don’t have them. The most important thing is to be honest with the kids about what’s happened. Don’t use euphemisms, and don’t be afraid to say you don’t know or can’t explain something.
It’s also important to know kids rarely hear about school shootings from the news first; they hear about them as rumors on social media and from their friends. Our kids hear speculation passed off as truth often long before we have the chance to talk to them ourselves, and you have to remember that when they come to you with questions.
The best place to start is by asking, “What have you heard?” Listen without interrupting, and offer truthful reassurance. Find out what they know and what they think they know; discerning between the two is very hard for kids. (It’s hard for adults, too!)
Children may also exhibit fear in indirect ways, such as trouble sleeping, stomach aches, or irritability. You also need to remember school shootings create grief as well as fear, and both grief and fear can manifest as anger. Children often struggle to find the words to describe what they feel, but your patience and openness create a sense of safety.
Although it is hard, remember the words of Psalm 23:
Model that image of the gentle shepherd for your children by showing them that expressing themselves isn’t weakness, and reassure them that you’ll always be there as a loving guide and guardian.
How to Talk to Kids About School Shootings at Different Ages
Another element of school shootings that requires discernment is figuring out what to say. Your kindergartner and your eighth grader can handle very different levels of detail and emotional depth, and you don’t want to confuse a little kid or give a simplistic explanation to an older kid. While every child is different, the general guidelines are:
- Young children (5–10): Keep it simple and avoid graphic details.
- Preteens (11–13): Provide context, answer questions, and validate emotions.
- Teens (14+): Engage in deeper discussions about causes and prevention.
No matter how old your child is, encourage open dialogue about their feelings– but remember that dialogue doesn’t always mean talking. Some kids process through conversation, while others prefer journaling or drawing, and still others need movement to release tension.
This can be especially tricky for blended families to navigate because your stepkids might not feel comfortable opening up to you yet. If they don’t feel ready to talk to you, don’t force the issue; just let them know you are there for them and continue to show up. Your presence is more important than you can understand.
Shaping the Discussion
In the aftermath of a shooting, video and images often get released online–and content moderation usually misses them in the hectic initial hours after a tragedy. As parents, it’s your responsibility to make sure they know they can come to you about things they’ve seen online.
You need to maintain that open, safe environment in your daily life so that when something goes wrong and your child experiences something traumatic, they know that telling you will make them feel better.
It’s also a good idea to schedule family time where phones are away in the immediate aftermath of a shooting. This reinforces the feeling of family support and makes your kids take a social media break. A couple of hours of no screen time gives content moderation cycles a chance to filter out the most graphic content.
You also need to acknowledge your fears. As a parent, the worst thing imaginable is to send your child somewhere you believe will be safe, only for that place to be dangerous. Talking about school shootings with kids brings up difficult emotions, and you might want to put on a brave face for them.
Don’t. They’ll see right through it. Instead, talk to them about your feelings; tell them that you’re scared and confused, too. Children look to us for example. Be honest about your own struggles, and show how you cope through prayer and community.
As we’re reminded in Psalm 46,
When you’re honest about your own fears and pain, it shows your children what real resilience is and helps move the conversation from hopeless fear to hope for a better future.
Place your worries at His feet and show your kids how to do the same.
Building Support After School Shootings in a Blended Family
As tragic as school shootings are, your kids need to see that there’s still good in the world–and you need to find that good in the community and in your own family. After a school shooting, kids need to see they can still trust the adults in their lives. This means that now, more than ever, you need to be consistent and kind.
And for blended families, that also means you might need a little extra communication with your kids’ other parents. Even if you have serious differences, it’s essential to ensure your kids know how much they are loved.
You don’t have to have these conversations by yourself. If you need additional support, there are lots of professional resources available to help you have these tough conversations:
- Your child’s school will have psychological resources that are targeted to their age group
- Child psychologists and counselors in general
- Pastors, priests, rabbis, and other trusted faith leaders
- American Psychological Association practitioner search
- Child Mind Institute resource page
- National Association of School Psychologists resource page
- Sandy Hook Promise resource page
- National Child Traumatic Stress Network school shooting resource page
How to Talk to Kids About School Shootings With Faith and Hope
We can’t shield our children from every danger, but we can guide them to face the world with faith and resilience. The world can feel overwhelming, but conversations like these remind our children that they are never alone.
They learn that family is a safe harbor and that faith is an anchor when life’s seas get rough. Your willingness to lean into hard conversations and maintain a steady, loving presence teaches them courage and compassion.
As God promised in Isaiah 41:10,
You can get through these events as a family.
Taking steps to prevent violence at school is not merely the responsibility of the staff and students. Parents can foster a safe school environment by talking to their children early and often about mental health, violence, and healthy relationships. Empowering Parents: Strategies To Prevent School Violence explores the strategies to prevent school violence and the steps parents can take.
