Five Parenting Guidelines For Beginners

If you’re planning on marrying someone with children and don’t have kids of your own, it can be a serious adjustment.

However, these five parenting guidelines for beginners will provide a solid foundation.

Parenting, specifically, can be stressful, especially for stepparents who don’t have any prior experience. But it can also be gratifying. Stepparenting is often a thankless job, but the opportunity to become part of a family and positively influence a child or children can be well worth any stress that inevitably arises.

If you’re becoming a stepparent but don’t have any children of your own, you may greatly benefit from these parenting guidelines for beginners.

Before taking the plunge, discuss life with your partner’s kids and the expectations you both have with them.

• Try to get a complete understanding of what you’re getting yourself into. Their lives may be different when you’re not around, so asking questions will help get the bigger picture. You’ll never honestly know what it’s like until you’re living it, but it’s wise to try to prepare yourself as much as possible. Talk to your partner about:
  • What their days look like, typical routines
  • What their relationship is with their ex
  • How they discipline the kids, and your role in disciplining them
  • Their parenting style (As a stepparent, you will need to follow this parenting style. It’s your job to support your partner)
  • What their financial obligations are
  • Don’t have inflated expectations. Likely, you won’t be sure exactly what to expect when you become a stepparent. But you mustn’t expect that you and your new stepchild will instantaneously “click.” It will take time before you become one big, happy blended family.

1. Patience is a Virtue

It takes time to navigate your way around this new thing called parenthood. You won’t always know the right thing to do or to say, especially in the beginning. Parenthood takes practice; stepparenthood even more so. So don’t beat yourself up if things don’t click right away.

Don’t rush your stepchild into accepting you. As Ron Deal explained in his book, The Smart Stepfamily, a blended family is more likely to work if it has time to “cook.” Kids are not always easy to win over.

They will adjust at their own pace to feel out this new family dynamic, and their initial reaction to it may not always be positive. Some things take time, and that needs to be accepted.

2. To Earn Respect, You Must First Give Respect

“Every good relationship is based on respect. Just because you are marrying their parent, it doesn’t automatically make you their child as well. That’s a coveted title that is earned. It’s no easy feat either.

Always be respectful of the kids’ time with their parents, traditions, and feelings. This makes it much easier to request respect in return.

If your partner isn’t reinforcing respect in the relationship, that is a matter between you and your partner that needs to be addressed to move forward. In the best situations, respect evolves into affection and fosters good, healthy relationships all around.

Additionally, it would be best if you were sure to show respect for your partner’s ex as well. You and your partner’s ex don’t have to become the best of friends, but your stepchild needs to see the two of you at least be civil with each other.

3. Seek out Support

It’s normal and natural to feel like an outsider, especially at first. However, it’s essential to remember that your partner needs to spend time alone with their children to nurture their relationship properly.

However, it’s also essential for you to discuss your feelings with your partner. Then, after that, it should be okay for you to join in on family time, at least sometimes.

Like all parents, there will be days when parenting gets the best of you. There will be hard days, and you will need to lean on someone for support. It doesn’t matter if you turn to a friend, partner, family member, or a therapist: it’s okay to seek support.

4. Make Time for Yourself

Don’t forget to make time for yourself. To be the best stepparent you can be, you need to ensure you are cared for and feel connected to yourself.

Think of the adage: “you can’t pour from an empty cup.” Set aside time every week to do something that brings you happiness, whether that includes meditating, exercising, reading, or simply grabbing a coffee with a friend.

5. Read the Literature

Numerous books can help make you a better stepparent.

Some suggestions include:

• The Smart Stepfamily by Ron Deal
• The Smart Stepdad by Ron Deal
• The Smart Stepmom by Ron Deal
• Building Love Together in Blended Families by Gary Chapman
• The Stepmoms’ Club: How to Be a Stepmom without Losing Your Money, Your Mind, and Your Marriage by Kendall Rose

If you would like more advice and information on parenting, please read the article on mistakes to avoid as a stepparent.

About the author

In 1995, Gerardo Campbell married into a blended family, becoming the stepdad to his wife’s two children. In 2011, he started Support for Stepfathers to reverse the nearly 70% divorce rate for blended families in the US. His website is to help and inspire stepfathers, aspiring stepfathers, and women who love them. You can follow Support for Stepdads on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Instagram, and Pinterest.