Narcissistic relationships are formed when one or both partners live with a narcissistic personality. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a mental health diagnosis defined by an enhanced sense of importance and an intense need for acclaim. While an official diagnosis doesn’t make a person inherently malicious, the consequences can be damaging.
For one thing, people living with NPD usually have a challenging time gaining positive relationships with others. In a romantic relationship, this can lead to toxicity and potentially traumatizing memories for their partner. If you feel like you’re being negatively affected by a narcissistic partner, resources are available to help you.
Narcissistic Traits vs. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
Before figuring out if you’re in a narcissistic relationship, it’s important to differentiate between narcissistic traits and an official diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Contrary to popular belief, they’re two very different things.
People can have narcissistic traits without an NPD diagnosis. For people with NPD, it’s an official mental health disorder that can negatively affect their everyday lives.
For example, a narcissistic trait could apply to someone who enjoys posting about themselves on social media. Other people may perceive it as self-absorption, but the influencer will separate their personal life from their online presence.
A person with NPD will take this to the extreme. They’ll transmit these behaviors into their relationships, increasing their need for attention and admiration.
Am I in a Relationship With a Narcissist?
Have you been feeling “crazy” for pointing out flaws in your partner’s behaviors? Do you feel like they’re always talking about themselves, even when you try to contribute to the conversation?
Do you notice that they aren’t very kind to their friends? If you answered yes to all three of these questions, you might be in a narcissistic relationship.
Like any mental health diagnosis, everyone has different experiences with NPD. There isn’t a black or white answer to any symptoms related to NPD, but the following traits characterize most cases:
- Lack of empathy
- Intense need for admiration
- The belief that they are special can only associate themselves with people of the same “status”
- A high degree of entitlement
- Intense jealousy of others or a belief that others are envious of them
- Overtly open displays of vain behaviors
- Fantasies of unlimited power, beauty, or love
- Interpersonally exploitative behaviors
Characteristics of a Narcissistic Relationship
It can be challenging to know if you’re in a narcissistic relationship, especially if your partner hasn’t discussed their diagnosis. Avoid diagnosing your partner over discussions and try to do your research.
If you’ve been feeling like something is off, your intuition is probably correct. Remember that an official diagnosis of NPD doesn’t excuse their toxic behaviors. It simply explains that they could help improve each other’s mental health.
Love Bombing
Psychologists refer to love bombing as the stage in which the person with NPD charms their partner into the relationship. Many people who have experienced narcissistic relationships report feeling like everything was perfect until their partner began to turn on them.
Watch out for red flags like your partner emphasizing traits that they deem as “reputable.” For example, your partner may praise you for being “intellectual” until you do something that contradicts that trait from their perspective.
They Crave Compliments
Despite what the name implies, people with NPD are characterized by a lack of self-esteem. To make up for this, they display themselves as confident and self-assured. People with NPD will constantly ask for compliments and admiration, usually targeted at empaths.
To differentiate between a person with true self-confidence and a person with NPD, pay attention to the execution of their fortitude. A person with true self-confidence doesn’t need validation from others. A person with NPD needs to hear assurance from others constantly.
Lack of Empathy
Apathy is a defining characteristic of NPD. Empathy is the ability to place oneself in another person’s situation, allowing them to understand their behaviors.
This can be debilitating for people living with NPD since they can’t understand emotions in the way empaths can. Unfortunately, people with NPD struggle to maintain relationships because of their apathy, making NPD a lonesome and isolating mental health diagnosis.
They Dominate Conversations
As mentioned before, people living with NPD struggle with self-esteem. To try and help themselves feel better about their self-worth, they’ll talk about themselves constantly.
This isn’t to say that it’s bad to celebrate one’s accomplishments, but people with NPD will take this to an unhealthy level. They’ll dominate the conversation to the point that you can’t contribute. When you try to engage with the conversation, they’ll shut you down or ignore your input.
They Don’t Treat People Well
Pay close attention to their inner circle and how they interact with others. This can include how they treat their friends and family.
Have conversations with the people they know and find out if they’re acquaintances, true friends, or someone they see as a nemesis. Unfortunately, people with NPD struggle to maintain long-term relationships of any kind.
Sometimes, narcissists will seek out people they deem as threatening. When this happens, they may display friendly behavior towards the person in question.
Yet, when they’re alone with you, they’ll take it as an opportunity to gossip about the person behind their back. Keep in mind that this is a symptom of a mental health disorder, but it must be held accountable.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic that people with NPD often use. It’s characterized by false accusations, blatant deception, and a distortion of reality.
If you’re being accused of being “too sensitive” for something that’s hurting you, your partner is gaslighting you. This makes their partner feel “crazy” for having feelings that are clearly happening as a result of the other person’s toxic behavior.
They Put You Down Constantly
They say a joke isn’t funny the second time it’s shared, and that’s especially true if you’ve become the punchline. Narcissists may use sarcasm, jokes, and one-liners to hide a hurtful comment beneath the surface.
To elevate their self-esteem, they’ll make you look inferior. If you react to the hurtful comment, this increases their negative behavior.
They Never Apologize
Do you always feel like the one apologizing even though you didn’t start the issue? A person with NPD will always believe they’re right, even when you try to make a compromise.
Unfortunately, it’s challenging to reason with a narcissistic person. When in a fight with a person with NPD, it’s best not to react or expect an apology after the argument.
Commitment Issues
A person with NPD may use you to have a relationship status without actually understanding the responsibilities that come with it. While they use you for the benefits that come with a romantic relationship, they’ll blatantly flirt right in front of you. If you try to point this out to the person with NPD, they may gaslight you or turn it into an argument.
They Become Threatening if You Try to Break Up With Them
From their perspective, a person with NPD will see a breakup as a reflection of themselves. If their ego is threatened, they’ll take it as an opportunity to harm you.
For a person with NPD, reputation is everything. If you try to break up with them, they may lash out.
Addressing a Narcissistic Partner
While the above signs are psychologically confirmed traits of a narcissistic relationship, it’s essential to understand it’s a mental health diagnosis. This by no means excuses these harmful behaviors, but people with NPD are often misunderstood for their actions.
They’re not inherently malicious, and they sometimes recognize the debilitating aspects of their diagnosis. If it’s clear that your partner wants to improve their behavior, it’s possible to make it work as long as you have safety measures in place.
Be Observant
Notice if you’re going through constant cycles of love bombing and harmful behaviors. To work with a narcissistic partner, don’t let them overpower you. Give yourself “me” time and tell yourself positive affirmations.
Stand Up For Yourself
While it’s wise to pick your battles with a narcissistic partner, you don’t want to let them hurt you without consequence. To prioritize your needs without coming across as flustered, stand up for yourself in a calm, gentle voice.
Take Turns in the Spotlight
Don’t let your partner constantly talk about themselves. Take away the mic and give yourself some time to shine, even if they don’t always like it.
Set Strong Boundaries and Expect Push Back
Set very clear boundaries and tell your partner about the consequences if they overstep those boundaries. They’ll probably try to push back or gaslight you into feeling bad about your decisions. If this happens, stand your ground and don’t hold back no matter what.
Keep Your Support System Close
Don’t lose sight of your loved ones, especially if the relationship doesn’t work out. An abuser will often try to separate you from your support system, so keeping them close is important.
Don’t Accept Promises – Expect Results
A person with NPD may make many promises they won’t keep. Instead of letting them make “promises,” stand your ground, state your needs, and don’t give in until you see results.
Encourage Them to Seek Out Professional Help
While it’s their responsibility to decide, kindly encourage them to see a mental health professional to improve their behavior.
Nourish Your Mental Health
If you’re being affected by your partner’s behavior, never hesitate to seek help from a mental health professional.
Recognize When it’s Time to Break Up
If it’s getting to the point that you’re sacrificing your mental and emotional health for the sake of your relationship, that’s your sign to end it. Never try to make the relationship work if you feel like you’re in danger.
How to Safely Break Up With a Narcissist
If it’s gotten to the point where you’re sacrificing your mental health for the sake of your relationship, it’s time to break up. The safety and ease of a break-up can vary for each relationship. Some people may break things off amicably, while others may have to take extreme measures to ensure their safety.
No matter where you fall, we encourage you always to play it safe, especially if the relationship has gotten violent. Here are some ways to break up with a narcissistic partner safely and effectively.
Don’t Tell Them You Want to Break Up Immediately
Avoid telling your partner about the break-up until the time is right. Telling your partner too early might open up an opportunity to love bomb and emotionally trap you back into the relationship.
Keep Track of Important Documents
Make a copy of all your important documents in case of an emergency (e.g., passport). This is especially important if you’re not from the area. They may try to trap you in a designated location to keep you from finding a safe place to get away from the relationship.
Never Give Them a “Second Chance”
When it comes to narcissistic abusers, there’s no such thing as a second chance. Your second chance will quickly turn into a third, fourth, and fifth chance before realizing you’re trapped. This is especially true for abusers that are becoming physically violent. For your safety, leave the relationship as soon as possible.
If Need Be, Go to the Police
Never hesitate to report to the police, especially if the relationship is getting violent. If you’re not comfortable going to the police, talk to your primary care doctor. They can refer you to a domestic abuse shelter or support group.
Seek Comfort from Your Support System
Always reach out to your friends and family when you need to break up with your partner. They can provide shelter, support, and, best of all, a safe haven.
Be Aware of Finances and Technology
Pay attention to warning signs that tell your partner’s tracking your phone. Log out of all your abuser’s devices and always keep a separate bank account in case they try to use finances to trap you.
Never Try to Maintain a Friendship – Stay Away
Never try to maintain a friendship. Once you’ve officially broken up with your partner, allow them to become a memory. This prevents them from manipulating you back into a toxic relationship.
Allow Yourself to Heal
Once you’ve cut yourself off from your narcissistic ex-partner, it’s time to start the healing process. Allow yourself to grieve and nourish any hurt that your ex-partner left behind. If need be, seek out a mental health professional.
Many support groups are available for survivors of narcissistic abuse and domestic violence shelters. Remember that it wasn’t your fault. You are strong, and you’re not alone – some resources and people want to help you.
Helpful Resources:
- For survivors of Narcissistic Abuse: https://narcissistabusesupport.com/
- National Domestic Abuse Hotline: https://www.thehotline.org/
- For people living with Narcissistic Personality Disorder: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20366690
Here are some common mental health issues.
