The divorce rate for blended families approaches 70%. However, there isn’t a single reason why blended families fail. With that said, I do feel there’re several contributing factors to the high divorce rate.
If you’re part of a blended family or looking to start one, it’s a smart move to consider the problems you could face and prepare for them. Here’re some common reasons why blended families fail.
1. Lack of Preparation
Couples who actively prepare for stepparenting have better odds of making it work. Experts on remarriage and blended families recommend reading books, taking classes, and considering marital or family counseling to confront the issues proactively.
Sadly, many couples enter a blended family marriage thinking it will be like the nuclear family marriage – big mistake. The stepchildren and ex-spouses also bring new dynamics to the marriage, which need to be considered.
2. Unrealistic Expectations
The Brady Bunch only exists on television. In real life, stepsiblings don’t always get along. Stepparents don’t always bond with each other’s kids. Jealousies. Resentments. Rebellions. Conflicting parenting styles.
Not to mention vindictive ex-spouses stirring the pot. A stepparent needs to enter the blended family prepared. It would help if you do not expect a textbook solution to your blended family problems. You and your partner will need to figure this out together.
3. Failure to Put the Marriage Relationship First
The marriage relationship needs to be the most important relationship, and everyone in the family must understand this. Unfortunately, in many marriages, sometimes the parent with children raises her children from a position of guilt.
This can contribute to a child’s negative behavior to the stepparent and blended family. They may struggle with the idea of sharing their parent.
4. Sibling Rivalry
Sibling rivalry is more manageable in a nuclear family compared to a blended family. Children struggle for attention from their parents and begin to feel spiteful and competitive towards their siblings if they notice any form of favoritism.
It’s also common for stepsiblings close to the same age to have frequent arguments and join sides against one another. Both parents should expect strife between siblings and figure out a plan on how to resolve them.
5. Struggle for Attention
The struggle for attention among children and even spouses can lead to the eventual collapse of a blended family. Children who aren’t used to sharing a parent’s affection with a spouse or new bonus kids may become upset with the new development.
A spouse, on the other hand, may also be unprepared to share the partner’s time and affection with the kids. Your union with your partner is the foundation on which your blended family lies. Neglecting your partner will put cracks in your relationship.
6. A Troublesome Ex
The Ex will always be a part of your family if kids are involved. Maintaining a healthy, cordial relationship with the Ex is essential for your relationship with your stepchildren, and the overall stability of your family.
An Ex who’s constantly making visitations or co-parenting difficult can stir a lot of trouble for a blended family. Some Exes can use children as leverage to get back at an ex-partner or completely destroy the new family.
7. Stepparent Discipline
Many couples have different parenting styles, and this can make co-parenting challenging. However, in the case of a blended family, a stepparent approach to discipline can be mistaken for abuse and cause a few problems between a couple.
More so, there might be instances where you will get critical of each other’s bio kids. Offensive comments about your stepkids can sow a seed of annoyance in your partner’s heart.
8. Financial Difficulties
Blended families are often larger, with more children and associated costs in raising them. Handling household expenses may be difficult, especially after a divorce. This can take a toll on a couple and put a strain on the relationship.
9. Challenges with New Traditions and Routines
The start of a blended family often means the dissolution of another. Hence, parents and children have to form new routines, rules, and traditions for their new family. The new stepfamily may also face challenges when routines and family traditions are combined.
Getting used to a new way of living can take its toll on the children and parents. Find a balance and give everyone an opportunity to adjust at their pace.
10. Dislike for a Stepparent
Another common problem a blended family may encounter is a stepkid’s dislike or disinterest in forming a relationship with a stepparent. This might be a result of the breakage of their parent’s union or the hope that their parents may come back together.
Do not keep your child in the dark. Take the time to answer all their questions and let them know what the new family means for you and them.
11. Not Being on the Same Page with your Partner
The blended family unit requires a lot of work and commitment. This also includes presenting a strong united front with your partner and also encouraging your children to do so.
When this is lacking, the two of you will be unable to make unified decisions on how to parent or run your home smoothly. Remember the reason for the union in the first place and commit to remaining one with your partner.
12. Lack of Preparation for the Outside World
Failure to prepare your family for the negative comments from the outside world can cause your new family a lot of unease and distress. If you want your blended family to succeed, you need to figure out how to deal with hurtful comments regarding your family.
The keys to successful blending include consistency in parenting, communication, flexibility, patience, respect, and also knowing how to deal with the inevitable conflicts healthily and productively. I started the website Support for Stepdads to help and encourage stepdads and aspiring stepdads to be successful stepparents and build successful blended families.
You should also ensure your family is happy, healthy, and functioning well as a single strong unit. If you’re struggling to adjust to your new blended family, you should consider family counseling. This can help you improve the relationship between your children and your partner.
