Humor

New Year Resolutions That Make You Go “Hmmm” ~ Friday Humor

I will…

  1. Start washing my hands after I use the restroom.
  2. Stop drinking orange juice after I’ve just brushed my teeth.
  3. Stop licking frozen flagpoles.
  4. Only get divorced and remarried once this year.
  5. Watch more movie remakes.
  6. Go back to school . . . to avoid paying my student loans.
  7. Only eat white snow.
  8. Keep it to myself that I have trouble with authority when I’m being interviewed.
  9. Spend less than $1,825 on coffee at Starbucks this year.
  10. Claim all my pets as dependents on my taxes.
  11. Say I’m doing something and then procrastinate like hell.
  12. Not run while juggling knives.
  13. Try to hold onto the floor when I am clearly drunk and it is holding me.
  14. Try to remember if it is drink 13 or 14 that clearly gets me wasted.
  15. Pillow fight with a bag of spare change.
  16. Switch my username to “password” and my password to “username” to make each a lot harder for hackers to figure out.
  17. Avoid getting a divorce by practicing polygamy.
  18. Drink and drive, as I’m sick of running over speed bumps and spilling my beer in the car.
  19. Stop buying worthless junk on eBay – because QVC has better specials.
  20. Stop buttering my doughnuts.
  21. Gain enough weight to get on “The Biggest Loser.”
  22. Consider apple martinis part of my “daily fruit intake”
  23. Lower my bills by digging a hole to put them in.
  24. Keep better records throughout the year. That way I can listen to better music while I’m figuring my taxes.
  25. Talk with a robot voice all the time.
  26. Start smoking to lose weight.
  27. Not go to the gym on days ending in “y.”
  28. Not drink paint thinner while smoking a cigarette.
  29. Will do whatever to forget 2019 ever happen.
  30. To eat more bacon and drink more whiskey.
  31. To be more assertive if that’s okay with you guys.
  32. Visit the grocery more often than restaurants, especially when free samples are being served.
  33. Believe in something, like for instance “I believe I’ll have another drink.”

You know how I always dread the whole year? Well, this time I’m only going to dread one day at a time. ~ Charlie Brown

Do you know how to throw a space party? You planet. Find more clever puns like these here.

About the author

About the author

In 1995, Gerardo Campbell married his now ex-wife becoming the stepdad to her two children. In 2011, he started Support for Stepfathers to reverse the nearly 70% divorce rate for blended families in the US. His website is to help and inspire stepfathers, aspiring stepfathers and the women who love them worldwide. You can follow Support for Stepdads on Twitter and Facebook.

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