I will…
- Start washing my hands after I use the restroom.
- Stop drinking orange juice after I’ve just brushed my teeth.
- Stop licking frozen flagpoles.
- Only get divorced and remarried once this year.
- Watch more movie remakes.
- Go back to school . . . to avoid paying my student loans.
- Only eat white snow.
- Keep it to myself that I have trouble with authority when I’m being interviewed.
- Spend less than $1,825 on coffee at Starbucks this year.
- Claim all my pets as dependents on my taxes.
- Say I’m doing something and then procrastinate like hell.
- Not run while juggling knives.
- Try to hold onto the floor when I am clearly drunk and it is holding me.
- Try to remember if it is drink 13 or 14 that clearly gets me wasted.
- Pillow fight with a bag of spare change.
- Switch my username to “password” and my password to “username” to make each a lot harder for hackers to figure out.
- Avoid getting a divorce by practicing polygamy.
- Drink and drive, as I’m sick of running over speed bumps and spilling my beer in the car.
- Stop buying worthless junk on eBay – because QVC has better specials.
- Stop buttering my doughnuts.
- Gain enough weight to get on “The Biggest Loser.”
- Consider apple martinis part of my “daily fruit intake”
- Lower my bills by digging a hole to put them in.
- Keep better records throughout the year. That way I can listen to better music while I’m figuring my taxes.
- Talk with a robot voice all the time.
- Start smoking to lose weight.
- Not go to the gym on days ending in “y.”
- Not drink paint thinner while smoking a cigarette.
- Will do whatever to forget 2019 ever happen.
- To eat more bacon and drink more whiskey.
- To be more assertive if that’s okay with you guys.
- Visit the grocery more often than restaurants, especially when free samples are being served.
- Believe in something, like for instance “I believe I’ll have another drink.”
You know how I always dread the whole year? Well, this time I’m only going to dread one day at a time. ~ Charlie Brown
Do you know how to throw a space party? You planet. Find more clever puns like these here.
