While divorce can be a stressful experience for families, it’s possible to manage the tension and protect the children from any harmful effects. When parents talk to their children about divorce in a straight forward manner, children from divorced families will feel, act and grow in the same way as kids whose parents stay married.
What to Say
Children are resilient and highly flexible in accepting the changes that come with a divorce. It would help if their parents are responsible and avoid negative behaviors, such as blaming each other or raising their voices in anger.
When talking with your children about the divorce, it’s best to have both parents present, if they are on good terms. If the adults cannot come together without arguing, then it’s better for each parent to discuss the situation with the children separately.
Regardless, the message should be put in simple terms. Parents should not bring up details about the situation, including specifics of why they cannot stay married.
This often causes the children to try to “fix” the situation or even feel they’re at fault for the breakup. When discussing the divorce with your children for the first time, be sure to include the following:
- This is in no way your fault. You did nothing wrong and are not the cause of this divorce.
- Mommy and Daddy love you very much.
- This separation will help both Mom and Dad be happier.
- You will have two homes and be loved equally in each.
- Both Mom and Dad will still be a big part of your everyday life.
- You will still see and spend time with both of your parents.
Pay close attention to your children’s reactions. Each child may respond differently, depending on their personality and age. They may have mixed feelings about the news. Also, it’s possible they’re not surprised at all.
Your children may have questions. Answer them simply and honestly, keep things at the surface level avoiding details into the complaints you may have with your spouse.
However, as adults, both Mom and Dad came to the conclusion it would be best for the family if they divorced. Remind them the choice to live separately has nothing to do with them.
Responding to Your Children
Your children may not immediately express their concerns or questions. Give them time to work through this change in their life and support them as they experience the emotions associated with such a drastic change.
It is essential that children are assured that they will be safe and secure. Children will focus on how the divorce will change their lives.
Will they still live at their current house? Will they still go to the same school? Who will they live with?
Where and when will they visit their other parent? Will both parents still attend their soccer games and choir concerts?
Encourage your children to honestly face their emotions and feel free to ask any question they have. Try to calm your children’s worries by approaching potential questions even before they are asked.
You can try to seek help from a family law attorney or a legal counselor. Your children may have friends with divorced parents and may make assumptions based on what they know about it.
Be sure to clarify exactly what they can expect in regards to changes in their day-to-day lives. Some topics you may consider addressing with your children:
This was not your fault.
You cannot do anything to fix our relationship and keep us together.
We will not get back together in the future based on any changes that you make in your behavior.
We will both still love you even if you are mostly living in one house.
You will still get to see us both frequently.
We will have enough money.
Be Available
Be available for your children as they make the transition to their new living and custody arrangements. This may very well be a scary time for them, so you and your spouse must both show support and love to your children.
Minimize any disruptions to their daily routines. While it may be necessary to move to a different house in a different school district, it is possible to still sit at the dining room table every evening or read a book before bed every night.
If a divorce is not handled properly by both parents, there can be some negative consequences of divorce on your child. Read on for more tips on how to deal with a divorce when kids are involved and successfully reduce the impact of a divorce on them.
