The following entries are from an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages four to 15 were asked to imitate “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.” Jack Handey is an American humorist.
He’s best known for his “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey”, a large body of bizarre one-liner jokes, as well as his “Fuzzy Memories” and “My Big Thick Novel” shorts, and for his deadpan delivery. Handey is a real person and not a pen name or character.
The Entries
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? — Age 15
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. — Age 13
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. — Age 10
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found the moon is really a big hard rock. That’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out. — Age 6
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that’s five more than the biggest number you could come up with! — Age 6
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you’ll have a couple of days saved up. — Age 7
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to until she got an unlisted number. — Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. — Age 5
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. — Age 15
