Is He Right for You and Your Children?

You love him and want to be with him, but you don’t want to make another mistake.  And you know your children need to be considered too.  So, how do you know if the guy you want to be with is right for you and your children?

Here are the things he should have in order for you to bring this man into your family:

• Good Communication

  • He needs to be able to communicate about his feelings, needs, concerns and preferences. When people communicate clearly and directly about themselves and issues that come up, they have less conflict and better relationships. This gives you the opportunity to talk about things before they become problems.

• Conflict Resolution Skills

  • If there is one thing you should know for sure, it is problems will come up. Step families are more difficult to maneuver than families with two biological parents. You need to have observed this man’s ability to resolve conflict with you and with your children so you will know if he can do it in a healthy and effective way.

• Self-Examination Skills

  • The major difference between a healthy and unhealthy person is the ability to self-examine. This means he can review and take responsibility for his feelings, choices, thoughts and reactions. He can admit when he is wrong because he is willing to consider that he might be.

• Likes Your Kids and Your Kids Like Him

  • This doesn’t mean he just likes children, it means he likes YOURS.
    

This doesn’t mean they love each other, just that there is enough likeability that there will be respectful relationships.

• No Red Flags

  • Red flags include things like addictions, financial problems, mental illnesses, difficult personality, abuse, control, anger, reactivity, value and lifestyle conflicts, lying, and emotional immaturity. Any of these red flags or other things that make you think twice should be paid attention to.

• Agreement on the Big Stuff

  • You need to know that you have workable agreements in the big stuff which includes handling money, discipline of the children, house rules, and lifestyle choices. These things should be talked about BEFORE he moves in so you will know if you can actually live together in a mutually acceptable way.

If you have these things, you will increase your odds of forming a healthy successful step family. If you don’t have them, you will likely have major problems.

About the author

This post is by Karla Downing, M.A., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author and founder of ChangeMyRelationship. Karla grew up in a dysfunctional family and eventually found herself in a difficult marriage. Through her personal struggles, she discovered biblical and practical principles she now teaches to others to change their lives and relationships. I’m signed up for her free relationship tips and truths and I encourage you to visit her website and sign up for them.

Karla has authored several posts in the past:

Safe Individuals, Safe Families

Triangulation: The Dangers of Stepping in the Middle

Help for Children Dealing with a Difficult Stepparent

Please make sometime to check them out.