The first tip discussed partnering with the biological parents and the second tip asked you to be involved. This time, “Be There!”
At times, biological dad’s can be guilty of taking the relationship with their children for granted especially the relationship with their son’s. Unless the bio dad’s are a total “no show” for their kids, bio dad’s know they will always be looked upon as dad.
A stepdad doesn’t have a biological foundation to build a relationship upon. The relationship with your stepson will not happen by chance you must be deliberate and intentional.
One of the best ways a stepdad can demonstrate his affection and care for his stepson is by being there in his life – there is no substitute. By being there, you communicate your genuine interest for him in a powerful way that words cannot express. Being there for your stepson requires intentional effort especially in today’s hectic culture. Here are some ways you can be there for your stepson.
Be a Role Model of Adult Manhood
The way you live should be a positive example to your stepson. Although you may think you are the invisible man in your blended family but your stepchildren and especially your stepson is watching you. Your lifestyle and actions need to match your words. Do what you will say you do and say what you mean. Nothing will lose your credibility with your stepson quicker than to say, “Well, don’t do as I do, do as I say.”
If you have some immature behaviors (for example, laziness, lust, drunkenness, neglect, selfishness, whining, etc.) get serious and take action to correct them. These behaviors negatively impact your entire family and serve as a poor example for your stepson who will one day lead a family of his own.
Be Attentive
Being there means being present both physically and mentally. Checking your cell phone or trying to multi-task while your with stepson is guaranteed to make what should be a positive experience negative. Make a conscious effort to leave everything else behind and focus on your stepson.
Make Him Think
Ask him a thought provoking question or give an interesting idea to consider. Tell your stepson what you’re thinking about and give him a chance to think about it too. He’ll appreciate the fact you interested in knowing what he’s thinking.
Conversation
Conversation is an important part of being present. Good conversation with your stepson can begin with asking good questions. Ask open-ended questions about things you know he’s interested in. Make his interests your interests.
Give your stepson your full attention when he’s talking. Show a genuine interest in what he’s saying making eye contact, reflecting back what you hear him saying, and ask follow-up questions.
Balance Discipline with Fun
Especially as a stepdad, don’t make the mistake of being only known as the disciplinarian. Your stepson won’t be able to see the man behind the rules. Besides, your wife should have primary responsibility for disciplining her children.
Your stepson needs something to laugh about. You don’t need to be a comedian to have a sense of humor. Sharing laughs is a great way to bulid a relationship. On the other hand you don’t want to be so focused on having fun that you become one of the kids.
Seek Him Out
Don’t sit around wondering whether your stepson wants you to be a part of her life. Assume she does. Don’t wait for her to come to you. Go to him. Make being present in his life a priority for you.
Final Thoughts
One of the most significant ways you can be present in his life is to love his mother. Loving his mother gives your son the security and comfort to know that you will always be there for him too. I realize that you may be in a relationship with your stepson’s mother that is complicated by separation or divorce. But you can still determine to seek the best for your daughter’s mother. And what’s good for her mother will probably be good for him too.
There is no substitute for your being there. Your intentional presence in your stepson’s life is one of the key ways to build a relationship that will last a lifetime.
