Secret Defined

As defined in the post, “Secrets – Don’t Tell Mom” a secret is based on withholding information from your partner regardless of the subject or content.

Not Just About the Money

In early 2010, the Associated Press released a story about an older Romanian couple.  The husband hid 40,000 euros (approx. $51,600) in an old, filthy pair of shoes.  While it must have seemed like a good idea at the time he made the mistake of not telling the missus.  The husband decided to keep the info about the money in the shoes a secret from his wife.  The holidays were approaching and the wife wanted to clean the house in preparation.  In the course of cleaning the wife threw away her husband’s nasty old shoes.  Sadly, $51,600 was thrown away because of a secret.

Although, $51,600 is a painful amount of money to lose it doesn’t begin to compare to the cost of the emotional pain and relationship damage caused by secrets.  Secrets are a tear in the fabric of the relationship.  When we are not transparent with our spouses or intentionally “hide” things from them, we hurt them and break the trust it took time for us to build.  It also compromises the glue that would keep us together during the most difficult times.  Not to mention it interferes with receiving the blessings that can only come by the couple acting as “one.”

One + One = One

Rather than a modern math concept, the equation refers to the mystery of a man and woman becoming one through marriage – the “two shall become one.”  Two individuals becoming a single couple.  Emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, financially, and in every other way, the couple is to become one.

Psychiatrist, Doctor Carole Lieberman who hosts the Internet radio show Dr. Carole’s Couch says,

Even the tiniest of secrets closes off a part of a spouse’s heart.  You’re always aware you’re being dishonest, and this creates distance.”

If you’ve been on the receiving end of secrets and lies you probably already know they are some of the most difficult events to put behind you.  For the sake of your marriage and your peace of mind it’s essential to learn to forgive and put all of it behind you.  They create a significant rift in the relationship.  As the injured partner you feel left out and experience a degree of mistrust where your loved one is concerned once secrets are brought to light either through confession or discovery.

Injured partners ask themselves why they are being lied to by the person they love and, depending on the seriousness of the secret kept, may feel betrayed and/or even defrauded. The latter could either be financially or emotionally depending on the type of secrets being kept.

When one partner keeps information hidden this is often perceived as a lie by omission by the other partner.  While the secret-keeping partner may not have outright lied in their actions, by not being forthright and honest about an act, situation, comment, or withholding other pieces of information, the other partner is likely to still feel as if they were deceived.  If this occurs, the trust level in the relationship can rapidly decline. 

The next post will discuss secrets within the blended family.  Please share this post using the social media buttons below.