Don’t Fix It if She Says It’s Broke
You are diligently listening to your partner employing the great skills you learned in “Can You Hear Me Now?” She explains in detail the problem she’s having with her boss at work. When she’s finished sharing you take charge of the conversation and proceed to give your partner a complete problem resolution thinking your partner will so be impressed with your vast reservoir of knowledge which is only exceeded by your extensive problem solving skills. How do you feel when your now thoroughly irritated partner responds,
I wasn’t looking for you to fix it, I just wanted you to listen.”
You feel dejected and useless as you wonder why she even bothered you in the first place.
Don’t Follow Your Instincts
We men are fixers and problem solvers by nature but not all problems need fixing especially where your partner is involved. Just because your partner tells you something broke doesn’t mean she wants you to fix it. The majority of the time your partner just wants you to know what’s going on in their world. She just needs you to listen and only listen. If she needs your problem solving skills she’ll ask you for it.
When You Do Fix It
Make sure your partner wants you to fix her problem before offering a solution. If you provide your wife with an unsolicited solution you do so at your own risk. It reinforces to your partner, “men don’t listen” even though you must have been listening at some level to come up with a solution to the problem. Something I’ve practiced is asking the Pretty Lady when she starts sharing is whether she wants me to “just listen” or does she want my advice.
Is Your Help Wanted?
If your wife is constantly telling you how fat she feels, DO NOT go around the house throwing away cookies and pointing out every time she eats something fattening. If she has a problem she wants you to fix she will ask you to fix it. She will just come right out and say she wants your help. Otherwise, just listen!
Give Her What She Really Wants
Your partner just wants you to listen to her. She needs that from you. She wants to be able to express to us her feelings, thoughts on any issue or subject without our opinion, without our trying to fix it or worse trying to fix her.
By just sitting and listening to our partners without interruption allows our partner to feel connected to us. It builds our partners self esteem when we take time to hear her out. In most cases, our partner knows how to fix the problem anyway – she’s a smart lady remember that’s why you’re with her.
By consistently listening to your partner eventually she’ll feel we’re safe enough to ask for a solution. Our partners know we’re natural born problem solvers. They would like us to focus our problem solving abilities back into our relationships.
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