What’s Wrong About “Why?”

Kids Asking Why: Stop the Disrespect Now

The author’s website, The Teaching Spot, provided a complete lesson plan on why kids shouldn’t be asking why.  Here are his points in blue and my response below in black.

• They’re too young to understand.  Generally speaking, kids won’t understand the explanation fully even into teenage years. 
  • This is an arbitrary generalization that’s unfair to lump all young people into.  
  • It’s an adult’s responsibility to communicate to the child at an age appropriate level to make sure of their understanding.  
  • These type of conversations stimulate critical thinking and reasoning in our children – this is a good thing.  
• They won’t agree. The only reason you would explain your ‘why’ is to try to convince them you are right in your response or even worse you have the authority to give the command or request. 
  • Another arbitrary generalization.  I feel it’s okay for kids to disagree provided it’s done respectfully and the child understands after listening, the adult makes the final decision.  
  • Additionally, to explain why gives me an opportunity to validate my rational – I don’t feel I have to be right all the time.  
  • The times I’ve changed my mind after listening to my son’s point of view bulids his self-esteem, confidence and teaches him skills like negotiation and compromise. 
    • Skills he will need outside our home and when he’s launched into adulthood.
    • These are skills I would hope my son employs with his own children. 
• It undermines your authority. When you start explaining your reasons and answer kids asking why, you are essentially opening up a debate. 
  • It only undermines your authority, if you allow it to. 
  • I’m the first to admit at times, Nathaniel will start channeling Clarence Darrow if I allow him to. 
    • It’s very important to establish firm boundaries that once the final decision is made there is no more discussion period. 
    • It takes two to debate and once the decision is made I do not engage him in any more conversation regarding the issue. 
• Their motives aren’t justified. Children aren’t asking why because they really want to know.  They ask why to ‘buy time’ so they can figure out how not to do what you’ve told them to do; they ask why to challenge your role as parent. 
  • This reminds of the Theory X of management applied to children. 
    • Children dislike authority and will avoid it to the extent possible,
    • They must be continually coerced, controlled and threatened with punishment to obey, and
    • They have little or no ambition, and prefer to avoid responsibility.
  • I am a proponent of a positive approach with children. 
    • Children desperately want our leadership and discipline.  
    • Most children understand they’re not adults and cannot have adult privileges without adult responsibility. 
    • Children deserve to be treated with respect at all times and trusted until they prove otherwise.
• Safety is compromised.  There will be times when you will need your children to listen to you right away for their own safety. 
  • I do agree questioning why is not appropriate where there is a potentially dangerous situation. 
    • I haven’t been confronted with this circumstance yet but my son knows the Pretty Lady and I can speak in a particular and distinct tone of voice that he knows he better listen for his own good.

Conclusion 

I am only in agreement with the author’s last point.  Although, he doesn’t specifically state it, his points strike me as the authoritarian parenting style along with children should be “seen and not heard” approach.  I believe adopting the author’s other points hampers/delays a child’s maturity, negatively affects the child’s self-esteem, confidence and delays their education in life skills like negotiating and compromising with superiors.  Having been raised by authoritarian parents I can attest to what I’ve listed first hand. 

Something else to consider is perpetrators of child sexual abuse count on the children not questioning their behavior when physical boundaries are violated.  Although, I have no evidence to back my claim my instincts tell me children raised in an authoritarian environment may be vulnerable to an abuser because of the emphasis on compliant and unquestioning behavior. 

Children are persons too they just don’t have as much experience as adults.  Children should be allowed to ask, “Why ?” in a safe, supportive environment.  What do you think?  Please leave your thoughts in the Comments.  Thanks.