The following was posted at Blended Family Advice.
A concerned family member asks: What do you think about a 3-year-old calling his mom’s fiancé “Daddy?” The real daddy has been in jail for two years awaiting trial on charges brought by the 3 yrs old mom when the dad was trying to break up with her.
The trial was conducted in late September and the real dad was found innocent of all charges and released. The real dad now has supervised visitation 2 days per week and plans on being an active part of his son’s life and is being re-introduced as “Daddy” to his son.
The mom’s fiancé has been around the little boy for 15 – 16 months and the toddler calls him “Daddy”. The mom and real dad do not talk or see each other due to a restraining order filed by the mom 7 months ago while the dad was still in jail.
Should a child call his stepdad ‘daddy?’ Any advice on how to handle this in the best interest of the little boy is appreciated.
Gerardo Response
I feel it’s inappropriate for the toddler to be calling his mom’s fiancé “Daddy”. I assume the boy was taught by the mom to refer to the fiancé as “Daddy”. Since there were apparently significant issues between the mom and dad I question the mom’s motivation in teaching her son to call her fiancé “Daddy”.
Why wasn’t the toddler taught to refer to the mom’s fiancé as “Mommy’s Fiancé or Boyfriend?” It’s great the fiance has been a significant influence in the boy’s life. However, until the couple is married I feel he should only be referred to as either “Mommy’s fiancé or boyfriend”.
I realize that sounds old school but I feel the old school approach is always in the best interests of the child as well as for everyone else concerned. What happens if some reason the couple ends up breaking up and not getting married? What would be the effect on the child?
It should be explained to the boy that although both men love and care for him very much his real dad is his biological dad. The biological dad should also be encouraged to build a relationship with his son and spend quality time with him.
The dad could refer to the other man as “Mommy’s fiancé or boyfriend”. This will help his son know there’s a difference between the two men. With time, maturity and based on the quality of the relationship the boy has with the two men in his life the young boy will eventually be able to decide who his “real daddy(ies)” is.
Since the biological dad is planning on being an active part of his son’s life I also believe both he and the mom need to resolve their differences. So, they will be able to effectively co-parent their child. Again this is in the boy’s best interest.
If you are a stepdad, here’s how to answer you’re not my daddy.
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I’m curious as to what the stepdad should be called after they get married. You’ve covered the boyfriend and the fiancee aspect well. I’m in a similar situation where the real father just started to reconnect with his 2.5 year old daughter right before I started dating her mom. We are now engaged. He’s daddy, and I’m Brian. I would prefer to be called something other than Brian, but I understand I’m not “daddy”. What do you suggest?
Hi Brian
I collaborated with the Pretty Lady in answering this one. We think what you should be called should be based on how you’ll refer to the 2 year old after you’re married. Will she be your daughter or stepdaughter? If she’ll be your daughter then I’d suggest the three of you come up with some endearing reference like papa, baba, poppy or papi. Do a Google search on “daddy” in other languages to get more ideas. For example, in Estonian “daddy” is Issi. If you’ll be referring to her as your stepdaughter then I’d suggest something like stepdaddy or steppapa. Thank you for your question and I hope you return to the site in the future.
Gerardo