Can a three-year old teach a grown man a lesson in forgiveness? Yes, I know because I am that man! Nearly 12 years ago, a neighbor from up the street paid me a visit late one afternoon.
After going to the front door there was my neighbor who I’ll call Mike. Behind Mike was a woman who remained out on the sidewalk.
I later learned this was Mike’s daughter. I introduced myself to Mike and said, “Hello” to his daughter.
I extended my hand to Mike in friendship. Looking surprised Mike hesitantly returned my handshake. He was visibly angry so I knew this wasn’t a social call.
Mike also appeared to have been drinking. Mike started explaining he was upset because my stepson and his friends were regularly speeding up and down our court. Their reckless driving was putting his grandchildren at risk when they were outside playing.
I agreed with Mike their speeding was unacceptable and I assured him I would speak with my stepson and his friends as soon as I saw them. Evidently that wasn’t enough for Mike because he threatened he was holding me personally responsible if anything happened to his grandkids.
I told him threats weren’t necessary and suggested he report the speeding teens to the police. Mike proceeded to tell me that’s how they do things in Arizona.
Wild West style I guess. I reminded him we were in California and how they do things in Arizona didn’t matter.
At the encouragement of his daughter, Mike repeated his warning again and left. During our exchange, unknown to me at the time, there was a small gathering of family members behind me taking all this in.
After closing the door, my family shared how they were amazed I allowed Mike to threaten me on my own property and why I responded so calmly to his threats. While I may not have outwardly expressed my anger at the time I certainly had plenty of it inside.
The next time I drove down our court and Mike was out in his yard I made sure I gave him a look to remind him I hadn’t forgotten our meeting and especially his offensive behavior.
Whenever Mike was in his yard and I drove past he could expect a dirty look. I eventually stopped the nasty looks, but I never let the events of that afternoon go.
Almost three years later, I was in the driveway with my then three-year-old, Nathaniel. A moment of distraction and I noticed Nathaniel was running up the sidewalk toward the end of the court.
I started after him calling him to stop, he sped up. I saw Mike was in his yard and Nathaniel was headed on a collision course with him.
I felt a sense of urgency and hurried to reach Nathaniel but Nathaniel ran right into Mike’s open arms. Mike greeted me as I approached. He asked me what was my name. Seriously? I thought to myself.
The man’s acting like this was the first time we’ve met. In Mike’s mind, it truly was. He had totally forgotten our conversation years prior.
I was holding a grudge against someone who didn’t even realize he had offended me. At that point, Mike and I became friends, not the best of friends but friends just the same.
For nearly three years, I held on to something Mike didn’t even remember. It showed me the futility of holding on to a grudge.
“Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
~ Malachy McCourt
“To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee.”
~ William H. Walton
By choosing to hold on to my anger I was affected in several ways some perceptible, some imperceptible but all negative. By forgiving Mike I made a decision to let go of my resentment, anger, and thoughts of revenge. While the conversation I had with Mike that afternoon remains a part of my life, forgiving Mike removed its grip on me and allowed me to focus on more positive parts of my life.
Do you know the seven costs of unforgiveness? Click DESPAIR to find out.
