Within the blended family your relationships should have this priority: #1 – wife, #2 – children and #3 – bio-dad. Yes, the bio-dad. Having a polite and respectful relationship with your stepchildren’s dad will give you and your family these benefits:
Bio-dad Relationship Benefits
A) Reduces or Eliminates Loyalty Conflicts. Your stepchildren may feel pulled in opposite directions by having affectionate feelings for you and their bio-dad. This can lead to your stepchildren thinking they must choose to be loyal to one dad (usually the bio-dad) and reject the relationship with the other dad (usually the stepdad).
Having a good relationship with their bio-dad will give your stepchildren the freedom to show and express their affection to both dads.
B) Helps Build Common Standards Between Households. One potential weakness where custody is shared between divorced couples is the different and in some cases, the dramatic difference in behavioral standards for the children between the two households.
For example, one household might have bedtime at 9:00 pm and the other may have it at 10 pm. Having the same standards between the two households will go long ways in reducing the stress on the children in transitioning between the households.
C) Establishes Lines of Communication. Having a relationship with the bio-dad will allow you to freely contact him when issues come up with the children. It removes your wife from having to play the stressful role of facilitator between you and her ex (bio-dad). This will have a positive effect on the missus and in turn your marriage.
D) Helps Build Trust. The bio-dad frequently distrusts the stepparent. Fears of sexual, physical and emotional abuse can negatively influence his perceptions of you the stepdad. Reaching out to the bio-dad can go a long ways in easing his fears.
Now that you know the benefits, how do you go about building the relationship?
Building the Relationship
Shortly, after I proposed to the Pretty Lady I wrote a letter to the bio-dad. In the letter, I made the following points:
- I would honor and respect his position as the kids bio-dad.
- I praised him for his role in raising his children.
- I wasn’t trying to replace him but to help contribute to the raising of his children.
I decided to write a letter because I felt meeting him in person for the first time to express the above could be lost in translation. Sending him a letter gave him an initial introduction without distractions of a meeting in person.
After receiving the letter the bio-dad expressed a desire to meet with me and the Pretty Lady to discuss raising the children. It set the foundation for a positive relationship going forward.
This worked for me but use your best judgement in deciding what will work best in your particular circumstances. How you go about establishing your relationship with the bio-dad is not so important as establishing one.
Other Considerations
- Set aside any differences you may have with the bio-dad real or otherwise.
- Connect with the bio-dad through shared interests. His children is your first common interest but there can be additional ones like sports, work, etc.
- Make sure you feel secure in your relationship with your wife (stepchildren’s mom). You don’t want to see the bio-dad as a threat to the relationship. Remember your wife chose you!
Tips for Making it Work
It’s a Partnership. As a stepdad you are partnering with the bio-dad. The purpose of the partnership is to raise the children into responsible and contributing adults. It’s not a competition as to who’s the better parent. If you make it a competition you will lose. Unless the bio-dad is a total jerk he will always have the edge.
Keep it Positive. Don’t judge the bio-dad or his behavior especially in front of his children. Don’t take part in conversations that tear the bio-dad down.
Discourage your wife from making negative remarks about the father in front of his children. If you don’t have anything positive to say then don’t have anything to say at all.
Put Yourself in the Bio-dads Shoes. If your ex-wife and another man the stepdad is now spending the time and energy you once did raising your children, how would you feel? Depending on the type of father he was he could be feeling insecure about losing his relationship to his children because of you.
The bio-dad could be grieving he is unable to spend the time he previously did with his children. By approaching the bio-dad as a partner will reduce any anxiety he may feeling about you being in his children’s life.
Do You Have to Be Friends?
No, you don’t have to be friends but you do need to be partners when it comes raising his children. In all likelihood, the probable lack of shared values and different lifestyles may make it unlikely you would become friends. Setting any personal feelings you may have for him aside you do need to get along with the bio-dad until the kids are adults.
If you liked this post please like Support for Stepfathers by clicking “Like” on the right. Thank you.
