One week after Curtis inherited ten million dollars from his grandfather. Pat agreed to marry him.
After three months of married life, he began to notice his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the very rare occasions when she would go to bed with him, she would be indifferent and even call out the names of other men.
When they were out in public, she would ignore him completely and flirt endlessly with other men. Finally, Curtis decided to confront her.
“Pat, let’s face it,” he said, “the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died.”
“Don’t be so foolish,” she replied, “I don’t care who left you the money!” 😀
The first post, “Do You Like Drama?” discussed the benefits of overlooking minor offenses within your blended family. This post will look at when to confront and when to overlook.
1. Check Your Motives
- Why do you want confront?
- Why do you want to avoid confrontation?
- Are you angry and want revenge?
- Do you have a grudge against the person and you want to unload on them?
- Will you only feel better after you unload on the alleged offender?
Your motive in confronting must be pure and directed toward helping the other person. If it’s not let it go and don’t bring it up. Your main motive in confronting someone should be to help the person improve out of genuine care and concern.
2. Are You Right?
If you established your motives are honorable and you’re not overlooking a similar offense in your own life then answer the following:
- Are you dealing with a clear violation of boundaries or is it a gray area?
- If this is a gray area where there is no clear definition of right or wrong, suggest letting the issue go.
3. What’s the Importance?
If you made it through the first two filters and still feel this is an issue worthy of confrontation, you need to consider how important this issue is.
- Are you dealing with a personal preference or a clear matter of right and wrong?
- Will the issue have long-term affects or is it something that won’t matter one way or the other?
If you decide the issue is more about your personal preference than anything else and it’s not of great importance – just let it go.
4. Is There a Pattern?
We all have times when we act out of character. For example, your stepson is usually responsible in completing his daily chores. One day, he forgets to do them. If it’s just an isolated occurrence you should let it go. However, if he is constantly forgetting to take care of his responsibilities this is probably something wife or you should talk to her son/your stepson about.
There still may be reasonable cause for him forgetting his chores – stress, schedule conflicts, etc. As a rule of thumb, it is better to confront patterns of offenses instead of isolated incidents. Of course, with more blatant offenses you will probably need to confront them right away.
5. Be Sensitive
Ensure you are sensitive to the offending person’s unique situation before confronting them. There may be stresses or strains in that person’s life causing them to act out in ways out of character. In this circumstance, you are not excusing the offender but understanding difficult times can cause even the best person to act out in uncharacteristic ways. Deciding to confront the person during this time is probably not the wisest or most sensitive thing to do at that time.
Whether you choose to confront may also depend on your relationship you have with your offender. You may have some relationships with people who have the maturity to appreciate your counsel or sensitive confrontation.
6. Seek Help
It may be helpful to seek the guidance of a mature accountability partner or confidant before pursuing confrontation. Make sure you don’t use this as an opportunity to gossip and vent. After which you will feel better and drop the matter altogether. Getting wise counsel may be an excellent way of “error-checking” your assessment of the previous four steps.
Final Thoughts
Within your blended family it’s wise to let go of minor offenses. This will avoid creating negativity in your relationships. Once you decide to let go of minor offenses also let go of any associated pride and anger. You need to be willing to totally drop the offense, not telling others about it and not letting it fester into bitterness. Offenses involving disrespect, major boundary violations and blatant offenses should be confronted. Finally, remember confrontation is not to make you feel better but to make the offender a better person. Please rate this article by using the stars and thumbs below. Thank you.
Read more great tips on how to be a good stepdad in the Archive How to Be a Good Stepdad.
