Do you feel unappreciated? Raise your hand if you ever felt like this or are now feeling like this. As stepfathers feeling unappreciated is one of our most common complaints. If you’re like me you can come up with a long list of all the things you’ve done for the family.
“I pay the mortgage and the majority of the household bills, do the grocery shopping, take the children to school and their extracurricular events, help the kids with their homework and help make sure dinner’s on the table!”
If you feel unappreciated how do you view yourself? Do you also feel abused? Like a victim? Martyr? It is through this view of yourself you justify your “stinkin’ thinkin” or worse negative behaviors towards your wife, her ex and her children.
This type of justification is called “I Deserve It”. People who feel they are unappreciated or unrecognized rationalize their negative behavior as justification for their wife’s and stepchildren’s neglect.
Your View of Yourself
–I’m mistreated
–I do so much for them and get nothing in return
–I’m unappreciated in my own home
Your View of Others
–Her kids are so ungrateful
–She has no idea how she’s mistreating me
–Her ex is mistaken I do so much for his kids
Your Feelings
–I’m so resentful
–I’m feel deprived of my wife’s affection
–I’m entitled to xyz because I did ABC
Your View of the World
–This is so unfair
–I wasn’t expecting this – you owe me!
–This situation is so wrong! Where is the justice?
The biggest complaint I hear from my brother stepdads is they feel so unappreciated for all that they do. I can’t help but think “why do you do all that?” Why are you your wife’s and her children’s Santa Claus? Why are you picking up all the household chores slack? Why are you enabling your adult stepchildren? Why aren’t you allowing others to take responsiblity for themselves?
I know I’ve been guitly of this kind of behavior as well but when I go down this road, I’ve learned to stop and ask myself, “did I agree to do this?” And if my answer is yes – then I ask myself why am I complaining? Why am I feeling sorry for myself?
I recognize I setting myself up for severe disappointment and hurt if I do things in my stepfamily thinking someone is going to nominate me for stepfather of the year or hand me a silver platter with a crown on top of it. I do what I do because that’s who I am. I normally don’t feel unappreciated when I step in or step up when it comes to Nathaniel or any of my step kids.
Press Pause
When you feel unappreciated or mistreated please stop and ask yourself, “Why?” before you do something that you have to justify why you did it because “my lovely wife ignores my contribution to the family.”
What is it you are doing that makes you feel resentful towards your family? More than likely it’s because you’re doing something and you expect something in return. You aren’t doing it just because. You’re doing it for quid pro quo, a reward, a pat on the back or praise. You are doing it to get something in return.
If you are doing something for your wife or your stepkids and you expect something in return – don’t be silent about it! If you agree to watch the kids because your wife has to work tell her what you need in return! Be honest and upfront. It will save your tongue from bleeding and your heart from breaking.
Do the Right Things for the Right Reasons
There are times when you step up to the plate because it’s the right thing to do. Every fiber in your body knows when you are doing the right things for the right reasons. You feel energized and your mindset changes from one of biting resentment to abundant love.
When you act out of love and loving service you do so for what you receive internally. Knowing you did the right thing for the right reason more than makes up for anything your wife or her kids could give you. It speaks to your character and your integrity. It speaks to who you are as a human being.
Homework
The next time you feel unappreciated or you feel overcome with resentment please press pause. Ask yourself what’s going on here? Why do I feel this way? What am I doing to cause this feeling? What are my expectations and who’s not meeting them? Are my expectations reasonable or am I expecting my wife or my stepkids to read my mind again? Is my heart at war or is my heart at peace?
