Most people go into a blended family situation with a sincere desire to make it work. But no one talks about the common mistakes to avoid as a stepparent. There’re many things to consider regarding stepparenting.
“Blending” a family is no easy feat. Being a stepparent may be the most challenging role to play in a family.
No matter what you do, there’re no guarantees of creating one big, happy family, making it all too easy to make unintentional mistakes. We’re human beings, so it’s inevitable we’ll make mistakes.
However, it’s more than possible to create a happy stepfamily and to be a great stepparent. It’s essential to be mindful of the complicated dynamics of a blended family and be aware of the hurdles you may face so you can maintain a positive perspective and keep your blended family intact.
Listed are ten common mistakes to avoid as a stepparent:
1. Lack of Communication with your Partner
It’s essential to act as a team. The only way to make that happen is to properly communicate and make sure you’re on the same page with each other.
It may be uncomfortable at times, but it’s vital to discuss complex topics. These topics may include:
- If you’re feeling left out or like an outsider when your stepchildren are around, then it’s imperative to communicate your feelings to your partner. Lack of communication can create resentment.
Resentment towards your stepchildren can create even more significant problems down the road. Talk to your partner now about your feelings to avoid those major issues. Your partner’s and the children’s feelings matter, but so do yours.
- Before committing to a relationship with someone with children, it’s important to discuss the role you expect to play as a stepparent. You two must be on the same page with these expectations.
For example, let’s say you expect to immediately take on the other bio-parent’s role and discipline the children yourself (which isn’t okay, but we will discuss that later). However, your partner wants you to leave all parenting decisions up to the biological parents.
If the two of you haven’t discussed this and are not on the same page, this can cause a MAJOR rift in your relationship.
Having high expectations will undoubtedly lead to disappointments.
- Layout clear house rules. Discuss with your partner the rules the children are expected to follow and the consequences if they don’t. This establishes clear boundaries. It also helps the two of you to support each other and act as a team.
If your stepchild breaks an established rule, you’re in the right to correct them because you support the rules you and your partner put in place. Clear communication regarding boundaries is crucial in establishing trust and structure within the household.
Communication is the foundation of any strong relationship. For a blended family to be truly successful, bonds must be unshakeable. Thus, communication is of the utmost importance.
2. Not Accepting Your Partner and their Children is a Package Deal
This might sound like a given, but a lot of stepparents struggle with this idea. It can be hard to accept your partner had a life before meeting you. It’s normal to struggle with the feelings that come with accepting that.
The child might look like, act like, or favor your partner’s ex. It might be easy to harbor resentment towards the child for being a constant reminder of their other biological parent and your partner’s past. But they’re not an extension of your partner’s ex.
Your stepchildren are individuals in their own right. They may be stuck in an unfortunate situation they didn’t choose for themselves, and you’ll only make it worse by not understanding how difficult it may be for them.
You must come to terms with the fact you cannot have one with the other. Your relationship with your partner is the most important within a blended family.
Respect the bond between your partner and their child. Also, never put them in a position where they feel they have to choose between you and the child. That is toxic behavior.
Instead, be kind, loving, accepting, and allow them to connect with the real you. Eventually, your stepchild will realize you’re a positive addition to their life.
3. Disrespecting the Biological Parent
Dealing with the other parent can be incredibly frustrating at times – whether it be due to late child support payments, missed school events, or something else altogether. It’s tempting to speak your mind but don’t.
It’s never okay for the child to witness disrespect towards any parent. When children hear criticism of their parents, they become defensive and take that criticism as a personal attack.
They are half of that parent and feel they’re getting criticized. If a child hears you, or your partner, speaking poorly about their other parent, they will think: “If they are bad, then that must mean I am too.”
This can be incredibly hurtful and damaging to the child.
“Keeping quiet nurtures your bond with your stepchildren because they’ll never feel like you’re making them choose between parents,” says psychotherapist Christina Steinorth-Powell, who specializes in working with stepfamilies.
It may sound like a difficult task. But, if possible, it’s worth giving it a try. Being a part of a blended family means you will also be a part of each other’s lives because you share a connection: your stepchild.
You and the other parent will be there for weddings, graduation ceremonies, holidays, illnesses, new homes, babies, and so much more. You may as well attempt to get comfortable with each other and avoid a lifetime of schedule juggling.
4. Disregarding your Partner’s Parenting style
Your job is to be supportive. It is not the role of the stepparent to form a parenting style. A stepparent’s role is to adapt to your partner’s parenting style already put in place.
As mentioned above, it is crucial to discuss the expectations you and your partner have of your role in your stepchild’s life.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a psychology expert, states: “You can act like a parent when your stepchildren are about to do something irrevocably stupid, and you’re the only one around to stop it. But you have not to be the parent pretty much every other time.”
She mentions that this is especially true when both biological parents are involved in the kids’ lives. Invest in your stepchildren’s lives without overstepping boundaries. The best way to be a good stepparent is to be a caring, responsible adult figure to the kids – much like a loving aunt, uncle, or grandparent.
5. Having Too High of Expectations
Many stepparents may feel incredible pressure to be as perfect as possible, especially considering long-held social stigmas associated with stepparenthood. (How many stories include an evil stepmother? Remember Cinderella?)
But, unrealistic expectations lead to disappointments. If you’re a new stepparent and immediately expect to form a close bond with your stepchild or take on the role of the other biological parent, then you’re surely going to be disappointed.
In the vast majority of cases, bonds take a long time to build – some say it may take up to 10 years. It should never be your goal to replace the other parent, especially if they are still in the picture.
6. Trying to Replace the Biological Parent
As mentioned before, it is not the stepparent’s responsibility to take on the biological parent’s role, especially if that parent is involved in the child’s life.
Don’t create, or participate in, any competition with the biological parent.
Stepchildren, regardless of age, may feel pressure from their biological parents to deny their stepparents as big of a role in family events. “Show your support by not participating in the ‘you have to like me best’ game,” says Steinorth-Powell.
Never force that upon them. Consider the feelings of your stepchild and their boundaries.
It may sound like a harsh truth, but the reality is you’re not their mom/dad. The child doesn’t have to perceive you as a replacement of their parent to have a good relationship with you.
You can support your stepchild and care about them without trying to replace their biological parent. Respecting these boundaries and your stepkid’s feelings will undoubtedly help to strengthen your bond.
7. Allowing your Stepchildren to Disrespect you
Dr. Durvasula states it’s common for children to resent their stepparents and treat them with disrespect. Many stepparents allow this behavior in hopes of getting the stepchildren to like them.
But this is unacceptable.
Just as you’re expected to be respectful, it should be expected you, too, will be respected.
Allowing disrespect downplays your role in the family and will also cause resentment down the line. You’re important too and deserve to be treated well.
To put an end to disrespectful behavior or prevent it from happening in the first place, make sure your partner establishes your place within the household. Your partner should convey to the kids you’re an authority figure in the home deserving of respect.
8. Not Allowing your Stepkids to Spend Time Alone with your Partner
A common misstep even veteran stepparents make is forgetting stepkids need one-on-one time with their parent, your partner. Steinorth-Powell explains that this often happens due to the stepparent feeling threatened by their partner’s relationship with their children.
She states: “The original parent has a shared history with (their) kids that the stepparent doesn’t have, which can lead to feelings of insecurity and envy.”
It’s crucial for children to feel supported and loved.
Your partner must designate time to focus all of their attention on their children to avoid this feeling of grief and loss. Allow your partner to nurture their relationship with their child.
Steinorth-Powell explains when you encourage your partner to spend quality time with their children, “it sends the message that there’s no competition between you and the kids for (their) affection, which shows you truly want to see your stepchildren; happy.”
9. Not Making Time for your Relationship with your Partner
According to Judy Osborne, a marriage and stepfamily therapist, many couples neglect their marriage/relationship to strengthen the bond between stepparent and stepchildren.
If your marriage falls apart, your blended family falls apart. It’s easy to put your relationship on the back burner to ensure all your family’s needs are met.
But, your relationship needs to set aside time for the two of you to enjoy each other’s company and reconnect. If you do not feel connected to your partner and consequently feel unhappy, the entire family will suffer.
Weekly dates, or even going on a date once a month, can make a huge difference.
10. Immediately Becoming an Authority Figure
As mentioned earlier, it is not your responsibility to form a parenting style. Thus, it is not your place to discipline your stepchild or take on an authoritative role.
A strong bond will never be formed if you immediately become authoritative and start trying to discipline your stepchild. It immediately shatters any chance of building trust with the child.
In fact, this is a sure way to create a rebellious kid and perhaps even heighten any behavioral problems.
It’s been said before, but it bears repeating: respect the parenting style of your partner. It’s your partner’s job to take the lead in parenting your stepchildren.
Again, we are all human, and making mistakes is inevitable. If you have found you have made any of these mistakes, it is necessary to correct them. It’s never too late to make things right.
Finally, the best marriage advice you can follow is to make your partner a priority. Learn what having a strong marriage means to your kids.
This is an excellent post. It was crucial for me to read those steps to see that I had not crossed those lines.
Thank you for your kind words Prasanta. I’m glad you found this post helpful.
Thank you for including me in your article. Please note, my correct website address is: https://www.christinasteinorthpowell.com/ Thank you.
Hi Christina,
Thank you for your comment. Your website address has been corrected. Thank you.
Rae.