As we go through life, we meet people who we immediately dislike or eventually grow to dislike. Even biological parents have times where they dislike their child.
In the case of the stepchild you don’t like, the first thing is to ask yourself, “Why?”Take a step back and reflect on it for a moment. Maybe you don’t like your stepchild because:
- Your stepkid is so different from you.
- He or she is not a good student, not outgoing enough, or they’re irresponsible.
- Maybe your stepkid likes to complain and is really negative.
- He or she acts out, is defiant, disrespectful, and creates trouble for you and your household.
- Your stepchild’s behavior is stressing you out, wearing you down and causing friction between you and the Mrs.
These are all acceptable reasons to feel dislike towards your stepchild. Why would you like someone who treats you poorly, is disrespectful, or behaves in obnoxious ways?
It’s About You Not Them
Disliking your stepchild is more about you than him or her because these are your feelings and reactions to him or her. In fact, your reactions could be contributing to your stepchild’s unlikeable behaviors.
Since the only person you can change is you, here are some things you can do to build your relationship and likeness for your stepchild.
Keep It Real
Acknowledge and accept your feelings. Don’t deny them because you think it’s bad or wrong to dislike your stepchild. You don’t have to like your feelings, just own up to them. You’ll experience less guilt and a better relationship with your child when you can acknowledge your feelings.
Dating Your Stepchild
While you’re still dating and are in agreement your relationship is headed toward marriage, start dating your stepchildren. The purpose is for you to better get to know your future stepchildren as well as for them to get to know you their future stepdad.
Don’t jump right into the parenting role. The goal for the first few years after meeting your stepkid is to befriend him or her. Get to know who your future stepchild is and what their needs are.
Listen to your stepkid– really listen. Be yourself with him or her. Let them know your values, beliefs, and preferences.
Accept your stepchild and pay attention to their strengths, rather than what you think are weaknesses. Over time, a more meaningful relationship will emerge.
Find The Cause
Find out what’s causing you to dislike your stepchild. If it’s because he’s different from you or because he’s not how you want him to be, then manage your own expectations. Remember, you don’t like your stepchild’s behavior, not the person.
Keep It Positive
Focus on what’s right with your stepchild and begin building on what’s good. Having a positive mindset will lead to more positives. Build your relationship by letting your stepchild know what you appreciate about him or her daily.
Complement your stepchild for doing something well. Point out your stepchild’s strengths. Ask him to help you in things he’s strong in, so you build on his strengths.
Look At Your Reactions
Focus more on yourself than on your stepchild to build and improve your relationship with him or her. Decide how you want to behave with your stepkid, no matter how he or she behaves with you.
Stop reacting and start responding more positively. Stop the tug-of-war with your stepchild. Don’t always try to get the last word or prove you’re right. Admit to your mistakes and struggles.
Be Easy Going
Bring more fun and playfulness to your interactions with your stepchild. Recognize your communication with your stepchild has been the problem. Your stepchild may be a problem, but he or she is not the problem; your interactions have been the problem.
You’re a part of that, too, so stay focused on changing your role in the drama.
Engage in Activities you both Enjoy
Finding an activity you and your stepkid enjoy and creating time to engage in them is a win-win. For example, if you and your stepkid love music, you can take him or her to a concert to see a band you both love perform.
Include Your Stepchild in Extended Family Traditions
One of the ways you can build a relationship with your stepchild is by including them in extended family traditions. Family celebrations and holidays present an excellent opportunity to incorporate your stepchild in extended family traditions.
More so, it’s a great time for you and your stepkid to get to know each other without too much pressure.
Are There Contributing Factors?
If you’re feeling dislike because of your stepchild’s defiant behavior, is there any way you or others in your family are contributing to his or her behavior. Is your stepchild acting out other unresolved issues?
Figuring it out helps you determine your next course of action. Keeping communication lines open and making your stepchild feel you’re always available to listen and help will ease the tension and dislike you both may be feeling for each other.
Serve Them
Serve your stepchild by giving your time and energy. This will go a long way in communicating your care and regard for them. Make their lunch; put a note of encouragement inside. Take them on an outing to their favorite movie or hangout.
Your Stepchild’s Behavior
For addressing your stepchild’s behavioral issues, be sure to partner with your stepchild’s biological parent. Do NOT act alone. Make sure you and your spouse are on the same page before taking any action. Your stepchild’s biological parent should address the concerns with her child.
Mutual respect should be the minimum standard for all interactions within the blended family.
While there’s nothing wrong with not loving your stepchild, it’s important for you to at least like them. In reality, what seems like disrespect to you might be a cry for help.
Trying to find the underlying complexities of a stepchild’s spirit can lead you to a clearer and potentially stronger relationship. It’s important not to feel guilty about it because we all have expectations of what our children will be like, and it can be painful when they’re not what we expected.
You feel let down, and then you feel guilty for feeling that way. But remember, as James Lehman says, you have to learn to “Parent the child you have, not the child you wish you had.”
Stepparenting can be a challenging situation, but, we’ve got you covered! Here’s how to ease the tension of being a stepdad.
