Maintaining a strong sense of connection is essential to every intimate relationship. When you’re connected with your spouse, you feel safe, understood, and strong enough to face and emerge from life challenges victoriously.
A couple has to be intentional about staying connected; it doesn’t just happen. In the absence of the work to stay connected, we tend to drift apart.
If a couple isn’t careful, you can become two people living parallel lives rather than living lives intimately connected. So, how does a couple stay and remain connected?
Usually, when a couple begins to feel disconnected from one another, intimacy is the root cause. There are several reasons why intimacy may decline. However, some of them are subtle, yet insidious, like the ever-increasing busyness and complexity of blended family life.
Other reasons are overt and intentional, like trying to use the lack of intimacy as payback. Whatever the reason, once intimacy begins to diminish, it can become hard to get back on track. Several other reasons could be the source of the problem, and here are a few.
Root Causes of Common Intimacy Issues
Several issues might cause someone to fear intimacy. It may have to do with past experiences, especially those from childhood.
Possibly, it’s a defense mechanism. You don’t allow yourself to become vulnerable or trust in someone else because you don’t want to get hurt.
1. Fear of Rejection
Fear of intimacy may be rooted in fear of being rejected. You never take those first steps toward building a relationship.
You may fear rejection because it happened to you before, or you’ve seen it happen to others, and you don’t want to experience that kind of hurt.
2. Fear of Abandonment
You might be worried that once you’re in an intimate relationship, the other person will leave. Fear of abandonment can be due to something that happened in childhood. It could be the death or separation of a parent or other close adult.
3. Avoidant Personality Disorder
Also known as intimacy anxiety disorder. It affects about 2.5 percent of the population (men and women equally) and tends to start in childhood.
Symptoms of avoidant personality disorder include:
- An exaggerated sense of potential problems
- Oversensitivity to criticism
- Avoidance of social situations
- Fear of judgment or humiliation
- Low self-esteem, shyness, awkwardness
4. Childhood Sexual Abuse
Childhood sexual abuse can lead to fear of intimate emotional or sexual relationships. Such abuse can make it challenging to trust another person enough to become intimate.
Symptoms of fear of intimacy linked to childhood sexual abuse may include:
- Inhibited sexual desire, difficulty becoming aroused
- Seeing sex as an obligation
- Feelings of anger, disgust, or guilt when touched
- Emotional distance during sex
- Inappropriate sexual behaviors
- Physical problems such as pain, erectile dysfunction, or difficulty having an orgasm
5. Previous Verbal or Physical Abuse
Some of the long term effects of verbal and physical abuse include chronic pain, depression, and intimacy issues. A person who was abused may also decide to date casually or is unable to connect intimately.
Also, the fear of intimacy is one of the reasons a person may have a commitment phobia.
6. Parental Neglect
Intimacy issues are prevalent in people who suffered parental neglect in their childhood. Consequently, the fear of rejection may prevent them from trusting others. This can also make them feel unworthy of love and support from their partner.
7. Separation Issues involving Overdependence on Parents and Family
Moving away from parents and family after a period of overdependence without proper support can affect one’s state of mind. Such a person might be worried that separation or abandonment may occur with your partner and thus prevent them from opening up intimately.
8. Fear of Being Controlled or Losing Oneself in a Relationship
People who fear losing control may sabotage their relationships. This may take form in different ways such as being critical of their partners, making themselves unlovable, or accusing their partner falsely.
9. Personal History of Depression
Depression can create feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and make intimacy difficult in a relationship. One of the signs of depression is feeling lost and alone. Ultimately, it can have an impact on your love life and make it challenging to emotionally connect with your partner.
10. Unhealthy Family Relationship
A toxic family relationship is a breeding ground for future unhealthy intimate relationships. It can be a source of mistrust and fear which can subsequently create intimacy issues in your love life.
11. Mental Illness in a Partner
Mental illness in a partner can limit bonding opportunities and cause friction. The loneliness, lack of understanding, and support may trigger intimacy issues in one or both partners.
Symptoms of Intimacy Issues
Fear of intimacy may be obvious, but it can be misinterpreted as anger, indifference, or coldness. Someone who fears intimacy may:
- Have low self-esteem
- Have trust issues
- Experience episodes of anger
- Actively avoid physical contact
- Have trouble forming or committing to close relationships
- Have a history of unstable relationships
- Be unable to share feelings or express emotion
- Have an insatiable sexual desire
- Live in self-imposed social isolation
Tips to Overcome Intimacy Issues
Your approach to overcoming these fears depends on why you have them in the first place, as well as how severe the fear is.
You may have a very mild fear that you can deal with on your own or with some behavioral therapy. But if your fear is due to severe trauma or is accompanied by depression, professional counseling is recommended.
Coming to Terms with your Fear of Intimacy
Think about events in your life and try to understand where your fears come from. Are you unconsciously destroying relationships? And do you want more meaningful relationships?
Value Yourself
All relationships come with a degree of uncertainty. Many intimate relationships are also worth having, even if they don’t last forever.
Cut yourself some slack. You’re not perfect, and neither is any potential relationship partner. If someone ends a relationship with you, it says nothing about your value as a person.
Communicate
Be open with your partner. If it’s not too painful, talk about your fears and where they come from. However, if it’s too painful to discuss, explain that you’re willing to work through these issues with a medical professional.
Define your personal boundaries. Describe what helps you feel safe, as well as the things that trigger fear. Tell your partner what you need and let them know you’re trying to overcome your fears.
Seek Help from a Professional
The main treatment for avoidant personality disorders is psychotherapy. Mental health professionals can help you understand where those fears originate and how to cope with them.
When your Partner Fears Intimacy
If it’s your partner who has the fear of intimacy, keep the lines of communication open. Let them know you’re available to listen, but don’t push them into revealing the source of their fears. This may be too painful.
Support them in seeking therapy. Ask what you can do to help them feel safe. Be patient, because learning to cope takes time. It’s not easy, but keep in mind their fear of intimacy isn’t about you personally.
Takeaway
The fear of intimacy is a mental health disorder that can lead you to sabotage relationships and isolate yourself. It takes time and patience, but with professional guidance, you can learn to overcome your fears and form meaningful bonds with others.
When talking about “intimacy,” many couples instantly think of the sexual side of their relationship. However, the truth is emotional intimacy plays just as important of a role in a happy marriage – if not more important than a physical connection. Click here to learn more.
