Marriage is a wonderful thing. Two partners – best friends and lovers – unite and spend the rest of their lives together.
Research shows 40% of new marriages involve one partner who has previously been married. Having an ex is one thing, but a second marriage can take a complicated turn when children from previous relationships are involved.
A blended family is a wonderful opportunity to extend your love for your spouse, but it can also create troublesome relationship conflict.
When it comes to merging two families together, things can get tricky. Here are the top 10 causes of relationship conflict that can make your dream marriage into a blended family a nightmare.
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Hurt Feelings
The impacts of divorce on children can be devastating for children. Adjusting to a new schedule, school, two different homes, and now new siblings and a step-parent can be emotionally jarring.
All this change can be overwhelming and result in hurt feelings and bad behavior. Studies show mothers and fathers both experience financial loss post-divorce.
Furthermore, the study goes on to show children of divorce also mature slower than other kids, are more likely to experience anxiety and depression, and have distorted sexual behavior – perhaps using sex to seek approval or love from others.
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Where is the Line?
One cause of relationship conflict in a blended family comes from confusing or blurred lines when it comes to raising someone else’s children. You may be wondering such things as:
- Am I allowed to set up playdates/treat/befriend my stepchildren?
- Am I supposed to ask both biological parents for permission before making a decision regarding their children?
- Will I be permitted to discipline and enforce rules upon the children as I do with my own?
These are all important questions you and your spouse will need to answer before you bring your two families under the same roof.
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Lack of Communication
Communication is key to a happy marriage and a happy family life. Going through these new life changes can leave your children and your spouse with a lot on their minds.
Be sure to communicate with your children regularly about their needs and have a parental “check-in” to make sure they’re doing alright. Knowing they can talk to their parents about whatever they’re feeling without judgment can do wonders in restoring that parent-child connection after a divorce.
On a similar note, you should also have a marriage check-in regularly to talk with your spouse about how they’re feeling and what their needs are in the relationship.
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Children Don’t Like New Spouse
What do you do when your children don’t like your new partner? It’s natural for children to want their biological parents to be together, but their active dislike of your new spouse can be a strong source of relationship conflict.
Establishing a regular family mealtime is a great way to establish a new routine your children can count on. This quality time together can also strengthen the bond in your new family.
Similarly, studies also show that regular family mealtime can contribute to a child’s developmental skills.
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Financial Issues
Going from being married to divorcing, to raising your children alone and using all of your income to provide – to getting remarried, potentially paying alimony out to other spouses, and also being financially responsible for raising someone else’s children can be a whirlwind!
However, you should stay open with your spouse about money. Create a household budget and stay well within it. This will help you avoid a host of financial relationship conflict.
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Jealousy
It’s natural to have jealousy emerge in a nuclear family between biological siblings, so it isn’t surprising that throwing “new kids” into the mix may stir up more than a little envy between stepsiblings.
Your children may not be comfortable with their housemates. They may not get along or could experience sibling rivalry that makes living together uncomfortable.
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Treating the Children Differently
Relationship conflict can rear its ugly head if you and your spouse aren’t careful about the way you treat your children.
Of course, it is the natural inclination to favor your biological children in a blended family situation. However, you must talk to your spouse so you are both on the same page about how to treat the children.
You won’t get anywhere if you each take your biological child’s side every time a disagreement comes up.
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Different Parenting Styles
As a blended family, it’s important to have the same type of parenting styles.
This means no child should be able to manipulate a parent or expect a different answer to the same question depending on which parent they ask. Talk to your spouse about how you want to parent your children and strive to get on the same page about what sort of rules and discipline are expected in your household.
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Not Spending Enough Time Together
Research shows adaptability is one of the top qualities that contributes to a lasting, healthy marriage. Yes, it’s important to make sure your new family gets along.
However, in your race to make everyone else happy, don’t forget to spend quality time together as romantic partners. Studies show happy couples experience less stress and greater happiness during time spent with their spouse.
Make a weekly date night a regular habit to keep your marriage strong and healthy.
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The Ex-Effect
Dealing with your spouse’s ex-partner is never easy, especially when they have children together. Sharing a child means you will always have contact with your partner’s ex and vice versa – for the rest of your lives!
The appearance of an ex in your lives can create no shortage of relationship conflict. This interference can also cause jealousy, turmoil and emotional upheaval of both spouses and children especially if the former partner still has feelings (whether it is love or absolute hatred) for your new husband/wife or has made it their mission to cause problems in your marriage.
Nobody said having a blended family would be easy. There may be child jealousy, confusion about parenting someone else’s children, and interferences from one or both of your exes.
There may be many bumps along the way, but with time and effort, you and your spouse will learn how to navigate relationship conflict with ease. Find out more about blended families and how you can handle some of the conflicts you may experience.
