Divorce can be a devastating and life-changing experience, especially if you’re ending a long marriage. As much as you once loved your partner, you both decided to go your separate ways. These self-improvement tips for the newly divorced will help you lead a more purposeful life.
This is okay, but it doesn’t change the fact that this comes with many complicated emotions and future possibilities. While every divorce is different, there are a few general ways to take care of yourself as you transition into this next stage of your life. Here are some self-improvement tips for the newly divorced.
Healing After Divorce
1. Talk About Your Emotions
There are a lot of feelings that you might experience after a divorce, and they’re all valid. Whether you feel sadness, anger, or fear, it’s essential to acknowledge your emotions and take some time to talk about them.
Consider speaking with a mental health professional, particularly one that specializes in grief or divorce recovery. You can also reach out to friends and neutral family members to help process your feelings.
2. Practice Acceptance
It can be challenging to accept that your marriage has ended. You may attempt to figure out “what went wrong” or “how it could have been better,” but it won’t change anything about the outcome.
Practicing acceptance is not a linear journey. What matters is that you learn to redirect regretful thoughts. Having regrets is valid, but it’s important to remember that divorce is a reality. Be kind to yourself so that you can move forward and heal.
3. Allow Yourself to Feel
Healing after divorce is a grieving process, even if it doesn’t always feel that way. We often associate grief with death, but it’s essential to acknowledge that the end of a marriage is a form of loss.
During the beginning stages of divorce, you may feel your emotions intensely and deal with overwhelming thoughts. Remember, two things can be true simultaneously: you can love this person while realizing why the divorce was necessary.
4. Co-Parent Diplomatically
Create a diplomatic co-parenting plan immediately after deciding to divorce. You may not be married anymore, but you’ll always be co-parents. Thus, it’s best to start things out amicably right away to avoid potential conflict later on.
Always put your children first and make decisions that will positively affect everyone. Consider working with a mediator to make parenting decisions that won’t put your children in difficult situations.
5. Pay Attention to Red Flags
It’s normal to experience intense emotions during the beginning stages of divorce, especially while you’re grieving. However, if you’re beginning to experience these feelings long after the marriage has ended, it could be a sign that something’s wrong.
This is especially true if you already live with a mental illness. If you notice your ex struggling after the divorce, never hesitate to ask for help.
6. Be Communicative
Whether you have children or final decisions that need to be made following the divorce, you’ll need to communicate with your ex – to a certain degree. Remember to set boundaries with each other immediately during this process.
This can look like restricting phone-related conversations to text or focusing on matters like childcare. No matter how you decide to communicate, remember to do so consistently and without disrespect to each other.
7. Take it Slow With Dating
It’s understandable to feel the need to move on to another relationship after experiencing a divorce. However, this can unintentionally lead to further feelings of hurt, sadness, and grief. Plus, getting back into dating too fast can lead to another unhealthy relationship.
Consider taking some time for yourself after your divorce. As scary as it can feel to be alone, it can also be an amazing opportunity for self-discovery and self-improvement.
8. Let Each Other Move On
Movies like The Parent Trap can create an illusion that divorced exes get back together after some time apart. This isn’t to say that this doesn’t happen, but it’s unfortunately quite rare.
Since divorce can feel so life-changing, it’s easy to beg your ex for forgiveness and try to make things work again. Sadly, this can unintentionally make the transition even more difficult. To truly heal after divorce, it’s best to leave each other on good terms and allow both of you to move on.
9. Spend Time With Friends
Sometimes, the best way to heal after the end of a romantic relationship is to spend time with others platonically. Unfortunately, you may have been introduced to friends through your ex, leaving you lonely and isolated after separation.
If that’s the case, consider making new friends or reconnecting with old acquaintances. Don’t seclude yourself away from people that love and care about you! You can do this by participating in local clubs, attending divorce support groups, or volunteering.
10. Get Into a New Routine
Trying to get back into an old routine after divorce can sometimes exacerbate feelings of loneliness, sadness, and grief. Instead of immediately returning to your old routine, try mixing up your schedule and attempting new activities.
This can help you feel like your own person outside your ex, preventing intense feelings after divorce. It can also help you find happiness in new hobbies and promote a newfound sense of healing.
Post-Divorce Coping Mechanisms
Validate the Grieving Process
As mentioned, coping with divorce is a grieving process, and that’s okay! It’s perfectly normal to experience intense emotions after separation, and accepting that you may process the divorce differently from your ex is essential.
Take time away from work or other exhausting responsibilities to allow yourself to heal, and never hesitate to ask others for help. People will want to support you during this difficult time, and it will ultimately help you recover.
Practice Self-Kindness
Don’t beat yourself up about the divorce. You’re kind to yourself, validating your feelings, and reaching out to others. All of your feelings are valid, but it shouldn’t mean that you sacrifice your well-being.
Try your best to avoid replaying constant scenarios of “what could have been” and instead focus on moving forward with your life. You still have a future outside your previous marriage, and you will eventually heal.
Be Respectful to Your Ex
It should be emphasized that no two divorces are the same. You may have divorced your partner to get out of an abusive relationship, so it’s important to follow your best judgment when approaching your ex. However, in an average divorce, it’s always best to keep negotiations civil throughout the process.
Divorce can get tumultuous very quickly if you don’t agree to be respectful to each other from the start. Thus, it’s best to consider options that maintain a diplomatic and courteous relationship with your ex.
Utilize Your Resources
Resources are available to help you if you are struggling with life after your divorce. As mentioned previously, mental health professionals can help you process your grief and provide further coping mechanisms to help you thrive after the end of your marriage.
You may also consider attending a divorce support group to meet others going through similar experiences. There are also several self-help resources available online or through books if you want to continue caring for yourself after divorce.
Avoid Viewing Your Marriage as a “Failure”
Marriages end for several reasons, and the divorce rate proves it’s relatively common. Thus, stigmatization around divorce is continually decreasing as it becomes more normalized.
Cherish the memorable and happy moments of your marriage while learning from the mistakes you made along the way. Please be assured that you did not “fail” at your marriage. Instead, try to look at your divorce as a mutual decision made between two mature adults.
Supporting Your Children Through Divorce
1. Stay Involved With Your Children
This is especially important if you’re divorcing a partner from a second marriage. Children greatly value time spent with their parents, even stepparents. Avoiding your children or stepchildren following a divorce makes them feel unimportant.
You may be separating from your partner, but you’re not separating from your children. Make time to spend quality time with your children and continually remind them how much they are loved.
2. Be Truthful About the Divorce
Sometimes, parents accidentally make the mistake of sugarcoating their divorce to children. As well-intentioned as this may be, it can do more harm than good. Being honest about your divorce can help them heal much easier.
Provide truthful explanations such as “we don’t get along anymore.” Tell them you love them throughout the entire conversation, and allow them to ask you further questions. Be open about any significant changes with school, living arrangements, and other activities.
3. Be Supportive of Your Ex
Never try to use your child as a way to say negative things about your ex. It’s important to be honest with your children about the divorce, but it’s just as essential to practice restraint. For example, cases of infidelity may make it difficult to hold back feelings of hurt when your ex isn’t around.
Try your best to avoid blaming the other person and limit what you say about the divorce if your children don’t need to know about it.
4. Don’t Put Your Child in the Middle
On a similar topic, never force your child to mediate or take sides. This means saving adult conversations for when your child isn’t around and being supportive co-parents.
Be nurturing when your child spends time with your ex and encouraging if they develop a relationship with a new stepparent. Communicate directly with your ex instead of treating your child as a messenger. Remember that your words can significantly impact your child, so it’s essential to treat your ex respectfully.
5. Allow Your Children to Grieve
While it’s important to validate your feelings following divorce, it’s also important to remember that you and your ex won’t be the only ones grieving. Divorce can be very difficult for children, especially as they cope with losing their family unit.
Please help your child grieve by allowing them to speak openly and validating their feelings. Allow them to ask questions about the divorce, even if it’s several months after the marriage ended. Above all, actively listen to their input and give them space to grieve.
6. Lead by Example
Children follow their role models, and that includes their parents. Thus, they’ll do the same if they witness their parents being respectful towards each other and caring for themselves. This includes promoting an environment of healing using expressing emotions and having honest conversations.
In other words, being a role model to your children means taking care of yourself and respecting your ex. Plus, taking care of yourself allows you to get involved with your children’s lives.
7. Continue Their Routine
Children crave consistency, which is why divorce can be difficult. Since their lives are going through so much change, it’s important to maintain as many of their same routines as possible. To be clear, Switching up your personal routine is perfectly okay.
Make sure your children’s routines maintain structure to bring them peace of mind. This can look like consistent chores, extra-curricular activities, and after-school routines. Here are some tips to help you move on after a divorce.
