Understanding and addressing the concerns raised by biomothers can be crucial for fostering harmonious relationships within a blended family. Here are the top ten biomother complaints on stepfathers, shedding light on common issues and providing insights into the delicate balance required for successful co-parenting in blended households.
1. He Tries to Put Me in the Middle Between My Kids and Me, and He’s Making Me Have to Choose
You never want to put your wife in this situation because a mother will consistently choose her children. You’re the adult, and you shouldn’t be putting your wife in an immature “pick me” situation.
2. He Tries to Be Their Dad, and They Already Have One
In most blended families, your stepchildren already have fathers who they more than likely love very much. Their father’s authority is much better established than yours, so whatever you do, don’t try to step into his place, and don’t ask them to call you “Dad.”
While insisting on being called “Dad” is a bad idea, that doesn’t excuse you from actually being a dad. Act responsibly, and be there for the kids when they need you.
Share their joys and sorrows with them, build them up as much as you can, help them with their homework, offer advice, explain how things work, organize their day, and so on – all the things you’d do if they were their actual father. Do it because it’s right; you probably won’t get much attention or appreciation.
3. He Feels I Don’t Discipline My Children and I Spoil Them
Remember that your wife and her children established a system of operating well before you arrived. Be patient and take time to see how things run before implementing changes.
Refrain from falling on your sword at everything you disagree with; instead, focus on the significant stuff. Be sure to discuss sensitive topics like discipline out of listening distance from the kids.
4. He Talks Down to My Children and Doesn’t Listen to Them
As a stepfather, your stepchildren should be empowered to express their feelings and thoughts, which should be accepted at face value. Treat your stepchildren the way you would like to be treated.
Make sure you listen and respond to their concerns. Be open-minded. Regardless of age, your stepchildren will have something you can learn from them. They can help teach you a thing or two about being a stepdad.
5. He Tries to Buy the Kid’s Love
Win your stepkids over by being yourself and being a man of character and integrity. Don’t try to win them with gifts, shopping trips, or the theme park. Most kids, especially stepchildren, are pretty savvy and will use your over-eagerness to please to manipulate you.
Additionally, unless you’re Daddy Warbucks, you’re building relationships on a foundation that you can’t possibly sustain. They will start resenting you when you run out of stuff to give.
6. He’s Unforgiving and Holds Grudges
Invariably, like in a nuclear family, there will be conflict, and someone will cross your boundaries. Forgive your stepchildren for being difficult, forgive their mom for not always being in your corner, and most of all, forgive yourself.
As a stepdad, you will make many mistakes, just like I did, and continue to do so. Accept that you and everyone else involved will experience failures – learn from them and move on.
7. He is Jealous When I Speak With My Ex About the Kids. He Doesn’t Understand How Difficult It Is, but I Have To Do It For the Sake of Our Children
Support your wife when she speaks with her ex. Remember, it’s in the best interest of the children. Also, reach out and develop a relationship with your children’s father. It helps reduce the loyalty conflicts with their father they may feel because you are in their lives.
8. He’s Overly Assertive With My Son. I Worry About him With My Daughter
Not that I think he’d do anything sexual (he would never cross the line), but I sense this intense attraction/repulsion between them, and I’m not comfortable with it.
9. He Wants Me All to Himself and Resents the Time and Energy I Put Into My Kids
Give your stepchildren time away from you, preferably with their biological parents. The exclusive time stepchildren had with their biological parent before she married you came to a screeching halt after remarriage. Honoring your stepchildren by giving back this whole time will help them to respect you sooner.
10. He Wants to Take Over. I Did Just Fine When I Was By Myself
The last thing you want to do if you’re trying to win over a stepchild’s heart is try to take control of them. Let the child’s biological parent set up the rules and direct things until you have a good relationship with the children.
Entering a family as a new stepdad will be a challenging transition for all concerned, especially your stepchild. This stressful period will likely bring out the worst in everyone, especially teenagers.
Be patient and forgiving as much as you can. Compassion will show your new stepchild that you are an easygoing person who doesn’t hold a grudge.
If a teenager sees that you will not push them away from you just because of a bad attitude, they are more likely to begin to trust and have faith in you. This isn’t to say you should become a human doormat, but you should try to let things go unless they are major.
Invariably, you’ll have negative feelings, but you need mature ways of dealing with those feelings. If you are hurt, frustrated, and confused in this situation – you need to be able to talk to your partner or another stepdad.
As an adult, you need to be able to work toward accepting the situation and not trying to control it. You should still feel things – how you deal with the things you think are important. Here’s how to bond with your new stepchildren.
