The Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu once said, “Care about what other people think, and you will always be their prisoner.” There’s a lot of truth in that. It underscores the folly of constantly worrying about what others think and trying to win their approval.
The Greek storyteller Aesop said something to that end, “If you try to please all, you please none.” If you try to please everyone all the time, you might be a people pleaser. Here are some signs you are a people pleaser.
What Does It Mean to Be a People Pleaser?
A people pleaser consistently puts everyone else’s wants and needs above theirs. Many people try to be considerate of others and acknowledge that we all live in a society together. If everyone were only out for themselves all the time, society wouldn’t be able to function.
However, a people pleaser takes it to the opposite extreme. Someone who is a people pleaser will go out of their way and bend over backward for others. They will do this even at their own expense.
A people pleaser will do more for others and put themselves at the back of the line, which can be draining. Here are some examples of people-pleasing behaviors.
What are Some People-Pleasing Behaviors?
It’s one thing to know what a people-pleaser is, but it’s another to know what that looks like in practice. Thus, it can help to know some examples of people-pleasing behavior. If you’re a people pleaser, you have trouble saying “no.”
If someone asks for help and you don’t want or have the time yet do it anyway, you might be a people pleaser. Many people pleasers strive to avoid conflict because they don’t want to make other people angry or upset.
A people pleaser will typically agree with someone else’s opinion outwardly, even if they don’t honestly agree with that person. This can be a strategy to avoid conflict.
To that end, people pleasers are deeply invested in other people’s feelings. They feel like they have a direct effect on how other people feel. As a result, people pleasers will often apologize profusely, even for things that aren’t their fault.
People pleasers will also go to great lengths to blend in with the crowd. For example, if a people pleaser is hanging out with a crowd who drinks a lot, the person will drink more than they usually would to fit in.
One last people-pleasing behavior is not voicing one’s displeasure or stating that one’s feelings are hurt. If you have a relationship with someone, there’s a good chance that they will do something that hurts your feelings or makes you sad, angry, or upset.
If you don’t say anything when you’re hurting, this may mean you’re a people pleaser. It’s okay to feel bad because of what someone else said or did, and it’s okay to let them know precisely how it made you feel and why. Failing to express your feelings hurts you and the relationship.
Why Is It Harmful to be a People Pleaser?
People-pleasing is often borne out of insecurity or personal feelings of inadequacy. It’s more common in people with low self-esteem. This can be due to past trauma, abuse, or other personal experiences.
At its core, people-pleasing is a lack of personal boundaries. Someone may not have the self-confidence or self-esteem to say no to someone when they aren’t able to help them or don’t want to.
A people pleaser helps or accommodates someone when they don’t want to, leading to feelings of resentment or unappreciation. This makes the people-pleaser feel worse about themselves.
When the people pleaser feels worse about themselves, they may seek external validation from other people even more. They may help someone again when they don’t want to.
The people-pleaser then feels worse about themselves because they feel like they’ve been taken advantage of, and the spiral continues. This can create a debilitating mental health spiral. There are legitimate mental health consequences of being a people-pleaser, but there are also physical health ramifications.
According to an article on Talkspace.com, Reina Gattuso writes, “In one study, it was found that people eat more when they feel it will please others, even if they don’t necessarily want to.” A separate study found that people-pleasing behaviors often went hand-in-hand with overweight people.
Even so, the main problem with people-pleasing is that it results in less satisfying interpersonal relationships. Strong relationships are built on excellent and open communication. A people pleaser typically doesn’t genuinely or completely convey their needs to their friend, family member, or significant other.
Thus, the other person may feel things are going great with the people-pleaser when they’re not. But how are they to know something is amiss if the people-pleaser doesn’t voice their concerns?
People-pleasing is harmful when they begin to develop resentment. This is called gunnysacking, or the ill-advised practice of silently stacking up small irritations or grievances against someone else. This process fills up the metaphorical “gunnysack” until it eventually spills over and causes a massively hostile explosion.
The outburst can take the opposing party by surprise. This can happen to people-pleasers because they bite their tongue repeatedly until it becomes too much and erupts. This came out of nowhere and seems like an inappropriate reaction to something relatively small to the other person.
The solution to the issue of gunnysacking is twofold. When someone does or says something you don’t like, you can either address the issue right then and there or let it go and not worry about it. This will either cause the person to change their behavior or force you to realize that it’s not that big deal.
Why Is It Bad to Be a People Pleasing Stepparent?
Being a stepparent in the best situation isn’t easy. You want to support your stepchildren without overstepping because they aren’t your biological children. At the same time, you may feel a need to prove yourself.
You may know the stereotype of the evil stepparent and go to great lengths to dispel it. You may try to be everything a biological parent would be. However, that isn’t fair to you, your spouse, or your stepchildren.
Being a people-pleaser as a stepparent can lead to a great deal of dissatisfaction. You may not want to discipline your stepchildren. And you might not tell their biological parent about things your stepchildren have done that require discipline. You may be hesitant to ask for help with the children because you feel like you need to succeed at raising them on your own.
You may not communicate your needs to your spouse because you want to “get along.” But problems can simmer and get worse if they aren’t discussed. Don’t be afraid to speak up if something is eating at you.
There’s also the matter of trying to do the impossible. As a people pleaser, you may want everyone to like you. If you’re the stepfather, you may want your stepchildren to like you, their biological father to like you, and your in-laws to like you – but that’s not always possible.
There may be people within your family that don’t like you and never will, regardless of what you do, and that’s okay. You can still be cordial and treat everyone with respect.
Part of breaking free from people-pleasing behaviors is knowing that certain things are out of your control and accepting those things as they are. Knowing where your true loyalties lie and being kind and true to yourself can help you overcome some of your people-pleasing instincts.
How Can You Stop People Pleasing Behaviors?
Unlearning people-pleasing behaviors can feel daunting, especially if you’ve been a people-pleaser for a long time, but it can be done. It’s important to remember that you can still be a kind, compassionate, and generous person without being a people-pleaser.
If it’s your nature to help others, you should feel good about that and continue assisting people when possible. However, you don’t need to always put others above yourself at the expense of your sanity and self-worth.
Say “no” unapologetically. Tell them no if someone asks you to do something and you’re exhausted or don’t have the time. You can apologize if it’s genuine, but you shouldn’t feel compelled to say sorry. You can start small by saying no to something you don’t want to do.
It will feel odd at first, and you may feel like you’re letting someone down, but it’s important to go outside your comfort zone to make positive changes in your life. Setting firm personal boundaries is one way to do that.
Consider your own needs first. If you’re a people-pleaser, this may feel foreign to you. Thankfully, with a bit of practice, you’ll get better at considering your own wants and needs before going out of your way to serve others. The key to this is understanding your values and priorities.
For example, if your boss asks you to stay late but you are planning on having a family dinner at home, you can tell your boss that you had a family event planned that night. You could certainly make other arrangements to make up the work, but you shouldn’t feel obligated to miss out on family time because of your boss’s demands.
Be more assertive. If someone asks you to do something, but there are legitimate reasons why you can’t, explain why you can’t do what they’re asking. You can provide reasons if you want.
You can say no nicely while using a gentle tone and calmly explain your reasoning. Using empathic language can be a helpful tool here (“I understand why you would want me to do X, but I can’t because of Y.”)
Another form of assertiveness is voicing your wants and needs. People don’t always know what you want if you don’t say so. Therefore, it’s helpful to state your preferences verbally, so everyone knows where you stand. Again, you can do this respectfully, but you may need to speak firmly depending on the problem.
This might make you anxious initially, but you’d be surprised – some people appreciate up-front honesty. The point of being assertive about your wants and needs is setting your personal boundaries.
The best way to stop being a people pleaser is to talk to a licensed therapist about it. People-pleasing behaviors often stem from deeply rooted personal experiences.
A professional psychologist can help you work through these issues and get to the root of the problem. A therapist can also help you with issues such as low self-esteem, setting personal boundaries, and fear of rejection.
They should also be able to aid you in coping with mental health issues like anxiety, depression, or obsessive-compulsive disorder. They may also have you consider your values to help you move toward the person you yearn to be.
It’s possible to be kindhearted and charitable without bending backward to please others at your own expense. However, it takes some time and practice to recalibrate your compassion.
Once you do, you’ll see improvements in your relationships with others and the most important relationship you’ll ever have: yourself.
