I first heard this expression while in the Air Force. Typically, the expression was used in response to when a new leader would join an organization. Usually, after a short period, the leader would implement organizational, procedural, or administrative change regardless of whether it was necessary.
In many instances, the change was made for egotistical reasons. The leader made the change out of a desire to establish themselves by leaving a last mark on the organization.
When you become a stepfather, you agree to be a part of a whole new life. This is especially true for stepdads who don’t have biological children of their own.
This will be your introduction to parenthood, forcing you to step outside your comfort zone and learn new things. As a new stepfather, it’s your responsibility to take the initiative and bond with your stepchildren.
Unfortunately, the process can feel overwhelming if you haven’t had previous parenting experience. It can seem tempting to try and take complete control or change your stepchildren’s routine.
When this happens, stepchildren start feeling resentment towards their new caretaker. This can make it even more challenging to form a relationship with them.
Instead of trying to take control, spend some time preparing yourself for parenthood. Here are ten parenting tips for new stepparents.
Prepare for the Journey
It’s okay to admit that being a new stepparent will be challenging. In fact, if you identify the obstacle, you’ll be more prepared to overcome it.
Before agreeing to marry your partner, have genuine discussions about parenthood and your expectations with one another. Blending a family isn’t easy, and it will come with a fair share of obstacles for everyone.
With that said, this can be an opportunity for you to start planning ahead. Instead of trying to dive in headfirst, do some research. Check out some parenting books at the library or refer to blogs online.
Talk to other blended families and ask for advice. Once you’ve agreed to spend a life with your partner, you’ve agreed to become a role model for their children.
Practice Patience
Becoming a parent can be a significant undertaking, especially in the heat of the moment. If you expect perfection from your stepchildren, you’ll be disappointed.
It can be easy to accidentally yell at your stepchildren or feel the need to punish them, but this may only make them resent you. Avoid taking control and start practicing patience.
Expect your stepchildren to resist you, especially during the first few months of your marriage. It may take time to get used to you as a parental figure.
This can be especially true if both biological parents are in the picture. Instead of reacting in response, try to wrestle through the worst of their behavior. This doesn’t make it okay. It just gives them some time to get used to you.
Be Empathetic
Try your best to see the situation from your stepchildren’s point of view. They have to change their life just as much as you, not to mention the transition to a blended family.
While these changes aren’t inherently bad, they may be a lot to process. Try your best to be as empathetic as possible with that in mind.
For example, if one of your stepchildren lashes out for interfering with a certain situation, take a moment to hear their perspective. Remember that they didn’t get to choose who came into their biological parents’ lives, which may feel unfair to them.
There may even be moments when they have a point. Before getting angry, take a moment to understand where they’re coming from.
Show Respect
It may seem simple, but you have to give respect to get respect. If you keep approaching your stepchildren with ridicule, they’ll continue to draw away from you.
This doesn’t just include outbursts or overt acts of disrespect from your stepchildren. Being in a parental role doesn’t give you the authority to be disrespectful.
This includes your interactions with your partner’s ex. Your stepchildren’s biological father should never be your enemy, especially if you want to build a bond with them. If you genuinely want to earn your stepchildren’s respect, approach their biological father with kindness.
Focus on Bonding
Don’t stand on the sidelines while your stepchildren go on with their lives. Fully commit to your role as a parent by getting involved in their interests.
Try your best to plan bonding activities that don’t involve your partner. This can give you a chance to bond with your stepchildren as yourself.
This can look like supporting them with their extra-curricular activities. If your partner can’t pick them up from school, offer to do it for them. It will help you get to know your stepchild and be a positive role model.
If your partner needs a break from the kids, offer to spend the day with them. Take them to the zoo or spend some time in the local park. No matter what, try to be as involved as possible.
Talk to Your Partner
Make sure to focus on your marriage while taking on your role as a stepparent. Avoid arguing altogether, especially in front of the children. Instead, recognize when conversations need to happen outside of an argument and take time to think before saying things you’ll regret.
In general, try your best to have healthy conversations, even when you disagree with your partner. Be clear about your needs and develop a discipline strategy that supports your relationship with your stepchildren.
Support Your Partner and Their Children
Never make your partner choose between you and their children. If your partner has a strong relationship with their child, this can be especially devastating. There’s nothing that will make a marriage fail faster than a spouse interfering with their child’s relationship.
Plus, this will immediately lose any respect your stepchild may have had for you. Support your partner’s relationship for their child and recognize that it’s a form of unconditional love.
Embrace Family Traditions
You sign up for a whole new life by choosing to marry your partner. With this comes customs that you’ll need to respect. This includes holidays, activities, and family gatherings.
Don’t sit out on family traditions just because it makes you uncomfortable. Instead of retracting away from family traditions, participate with your family. This will improve your relationship with your partner and your stepchildren.
Take Breaks
You’re only human, and it’s okay to take some time for yourself. Recognize and validate negative feelings when they come up. When your stepchildren are at school, set aside some time to do an activity you enjoy.
When your children are around, make sure to use healthy coping mechanisms during stressful situations. Read a book, take a walk, or do yoga to help yourself unwind after a long day.
Ask for Help
Never be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Ask for advice from other blended families, or talk to your partner about what’s on your mind.
Talk to a mental health professional if you’re wrestling with mental illness while learning to be a stepfather. For other forms of support, attend support groups or community classes that can get things off your chest while hearing some advice at the same time.
