Being a stepparent is not easy. The keys to being a successful stepdad are easy to follow if you’re willing to make your blended family work.
As a stepchild myself, I can attest to the truth of this statement. I know that I did not always make it easy for my stepdad to fill my dad’s role. But he still managed to do it, and successfully I might add.
Stepparenthood can often be rough, murky waters that are difficult to navigate. But he was able to do it successfully. That is not to say that it was always smooth sailing for our blended family. Often, it was quite the contrary.
However, now, as an adult, I have a healthy relationship and am very thankful to have my stepdad in my life. I even call him “dad” because, to me, he is my dad.
If you are a stepparent and want to cultivate a healthy relationship with your stepchild, here are five keys to being a successful stepdad.
1. Understand there Will be Challenges in the Beginning
I was a very young child when my stepdad became a part of my life, but I remember when I first met him. I had my reservations and did not initially welcome him with open arms. Even as a young kid, I was protective of my mom and was skeptical of anyone new.
This type of behavior is pretty typical of stepchildren. It takes us a while to warm up and accept a new person into our lives. Our life experiences- aka the reason, there is room for a stepparent to enter our lives in the first place- shape the way we see the world and may make us less apt to give out our trust so easily. Stepchildren will test boundaries; I certainly did.
When I first met him, I actively tried to push away my stepdad. I put him through tests, and he had to gain my trust. He was able to gain my trust because he took the time to try to understand my perspective.
My stepdad understood that I wasn’t just a bratty little kid. He knew that I had experienced sadness and feelings of abandonment but was too young to understand my feelings.
He understood that I had an emotional wound from my biological father choosing to remove himself from my life, and, as a young child, I did not know how to process this wound.
Had he become angry, defensive, or only thought about his own perspective, I likely would have never been open to the possibility of accepting him as my father figure.
If you are a new stepparent, it is vital to accept your stepchild will challenge you. Still, the negative feelings directed towards you may not actually have anything to do with you personally.
2. Do Not Badmouth the Biological Parent
Although there could have been so many bad things in my personal situation that could have been saying about my biological father, my stepdad never made a peep about him while I was growing up.
When I was ten years old, I wanted to try to get to know my biological father. (I did not have any type of relationship with him up to that point). My stepdad fully supported me.
Although I am sure he was very uncomfortable with the idea of having my mother’s ex in his home, he never made it about his feelings. He was only concerned with my feelings.
He made sure to let me know our relationship would not change even if I wanted my biological father to be my “dad.” He let me know I did not have to choose between the two of them.
Things did not end up working out to where I would have a relationship with my biological father, but it was not due to anyone’s fault but his own.
Attempting to get to know my bio dad only made me appreciate my stepdad even more. I have a lot of respect for him for creating the space to form my own opinion of my biological father.
If you do not think very highly of your stepchild’s biological parent, keep your opinions to yourself. Never let your stepchild hear you or your partner say anything negative about the other parent.
Not only will it damage your relationship with your stepchild, but it could also fuel an internal conflict within your stepchild. Your words could damage the way they view themself, affect their self-esteem, and even create guilt for loving both sets of parents.
3. Do Not Force Your Stepchild to Call You “Dad” (or “Mom”)
My stepdad never tried to force me to call him “dad.” I made that decision on my own. It was so natural that I do not remember the exact moment when I made the conscious decision to start calling him “dad.”
However, when I tried to get to know my biological father, he did try to force me to call him “dad.” I remember that he angrily told me that I was disrespectful when I tried to explain to him that I was uncomfortable calling him that before getting to know him better.
As a ten-year-old, his negative reaction made me incredibly angry. I already had my stepdad, and I wasn’t looking to replace him with a stranger.
I have always believed and still do that the title of “dad” is an earned moniker. The quote “Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad” comes to mind.
As a kid, I saw this aggressive attempt by my biological father to force me to call him “dad”- something that he had never been to me before that point- as total disregard for my feelings. Needless to say, our relationship went down the drain after that.
It is not too far-fetched to believe that older stepchildren would have this same reaction to stepparents forcing them to call them “dad” or “mom.” To try to force your way into a certain role in the child’s life is blatant disrespect.
Not only is it disrespectful towards the person that has previously been the only one to hold that role, but it is also disrespectful to the child. It shouldn’t be a surprise if your stepchild mistrusts you if you attempt to force them into anything that they do not want to do willingly.
4. Follow the Lead of Your Partner– Don’t Take It Upon Yourself to Discipline, Your Stepchild
My stepdad did not immediately jump into his role with the expectation that he would take on the responsibility of being the disciplinarian. If I needed to be disciplined as a child, it was accepted by all parties involved that that responsibility belonged to my mom.
My mom did not typically punish me with violence, and it was made abundantly clear that she did not want my stepdad to either. This was a boundary that she made sure to vocalize early on.
I don’t recall ever being spanked as a child. Although my mom made sure that we all knew that she would be the one to do the spanking if it was ever necessary. My stepdad supported the expectations that my mom had clearly laid out when it came to discipline.
If you are a stepparent and immediately attempt to become a disciplinarian, I can almost guarantee you that your stepchild will resent you, and so will your partner.
Choosing to follow your partner’s lead on how they want to raise their child is a much healthier option for all blended family members. Having a conversation with your partner about the expectations you both have about your role as their child’s stepparent will greatly help you be a successful stepdad or stepmom.
5. Support Your Stepchild
My stepdad did not make me feel like my role in our family was any different than my sister, his biological daughter. To him, I was just as much his daughter as she was.
His family was not always as accepting of me. I can easily recall attending a holiday event with my stepdad, mom, and sister. And his grandmother went out of her way to make me feel like an outsider. When “Nana” overheard me refer to her grandson as “my dad,” she interrupted my conversation with another family member.
“You mean ‘Kristopher,’ right?” she interjected.
“Yeah, my dad,” I responded, confused by what she had meant.
“He is not your dad,” she coldly snapped at me.
I was about fourteen years old and had been calling him “dad” for years by then. This wasn’t the first time she made me feel like she did not like me because I was not biologically related to her. However, it was the first time that she was so obvious about it.
My stepdad made it known to his grandmother that he did not appreciate how she treated me. He made sure that she knew that I was every bit a part of our family as my sister.
Demonstrating support for your stepchild, especially in the face of challenging situations, can build trust in your relationship. If your stepchild knows you have their back, then your bond will be stronger than you could ever imagine.
Conclusion
Although I have supplied very personal examples, these five general rules are sure ways to create more harmonious relationships between stepparents and stepchildren. Being understanding, respectful, and supportive are excellent ways to improve any relationship.
