Being a stepdad is a daunting prospect. There are all kinds of images and ideas both good and bad associated with the role.
You can very quickly start to feel like an imposter. You’re entering an environment with well-established relationships and hierarchies.
It’s easy to flounder if you’re uncertain of your role and what is expected of you as a stepdad. However, there are some tried and tested ways to make sure you have a happy and harmonious relationship with your stepchildren.
Don’t be Dad
Regardless of how your stepchildren interact with their biodad, it’s important to draw a line between yourself and him. Your relationship with them is only just blossoming, and you have to allow it to naturally progress.
It is nice to be called dad, but if it’s said for the wrong reasons under the wrong circumstances, it’s a hollow victory.
You owe it to yourself to avoid trying to be a replacement for dad. If your stepchildren imagine this is your intention, it will be the defining feature of your relationship.
Don’t Demand Respect
Entering into any new environment requires an excellent approach to listening and observing. This is doubly so in the delicate new situation you’ve found yourself in.
It might be tempting to stake your ground or lay down your boundaries straight away. However, going straight into a new family making bold statements and demanding respect can appear confrontational.
Confrontations cannot be won by a new stepdad in a new stepfamily. Ultimately, your spouse will retain authority.
Any authority you receive will only be borrowed. It’s essential, then, to take your cues from their mother. If you display united, consistent attitudes, your stepchildren will know the boundaries.
It’s also important to understand your step-children will never fully accept punishment from you, but they’ll accept advice. If mom has asked your stepkids to do some chores and you find they aren’t complying, you can only tell them what it might mean, rather than delivering any groundings or admonishments yourself.
Build Meaningful Relationships
No one likes to take direction from strangers. Familiarity and trustworthy attitudes will earn respect.
Therefore, it’s important to focus on building a meaningful relationship with your stepchildren.
If you step-kids see you treating their mom well, you are showing you are worthy of trust.
Establish Boundaries Early On
Though you don’t want to go trying to demand authority, it’s important to establish ground rules. This will take a bit of collaboration with your spouse.
Encourage your spouse to make your step-kids understand they too should play a role in establishing boundaries. One of the most sensitive areas you’ll have to navigate is the changing relationship your step-kids will have with their mother.
Though change is unavoidable, it has to be clear from the outset your stepkids will always have a firm, unshakeable place in the home, and you are an ally in this.
Get useful tips on how to answer your stepkids if and when they respond with, “You’re not my daddy.”
What a well written article, Martina. The prospect of becoming a stepfather can be pretty daunting. This post offered some really practical insights and advice. I think the most important tip was not demanding respect. Respect really does have to be earned in this kind of family dynamic. Thank you for sharing!
Thanks Ron for your thoughtful and insightful comments – most appreciated.
Gerardo