Can A Man Have Their Kate and Edith Too? Part I

This post is a continuation of the series: A Woman’s Greatest Need. The first post, A Woman’s Greatest Need, identified the four things a man must communicate to his wife to satisfy her need to feel loved:

1. He Cares for His Wife Above Anyone or Anything Except God,
2. His Admiration and Love for His Wife,
3. His Commitment and Faithfulness, and
   
4. His Dedication to Provide For Her Financially.

Commitment & Faithfulness

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines commitment as a promise to be loyal to someone or something.  The dictionary goes on to define faithfulness as deserving trust; keeping your promises or doing what you are supposed to do.

With commitment and faithfulness defined, hopefully you see a committed husband is not necessarily a faithful husband.

Kate is our main chick, the stable and reliable spouse, who’s our babies mama, who we go to church with and grow old with. Edith is our side chick, the mistress or outside “friendship.” In their mind they are committed to both but in practice are faithful to neither.

As a real-life example, you only have to look as far as the 50+ year marriage of Bill and Camille Cosby. Married since 1964, Bill is committed to the mother of his four children. Camille is the stable spouse who probably was aware of her husband’s outside relationships.

Camille may have chosen to ignore her gut instincts regarding her husband’s lack of faithfulness in her expression of commitment. Cosby’s relationships with women outside of his marriage especially those lasting beyond one-night stand show his lack of faithfulness to both Camille and his affair.

The Value of Commitment

Is there any value of commitment if it’s not a guarantee of faithfulness?  Yes, commitment has great worth.  Commitment is like practicing for an athletic event. Practicing doesn’t guarantee winning, but it brings a lot of benefits.

Research indicates the more deeply people are committed to their spouse and marriage, the more likely they are to:

• Sacrifice for the marriage’s sake
  
• Say they’re satisfied with their relationship
• Feel less trapped in their marriage
• Enjoy longer-lasting marriages

They also tend to not have wondering eyes seeking different partners.

Benefits of Commitment

• Committed Couples Tend To Be More Emotionally Supportive Than Uncommitted Ones. They know when their spouse is feeling – irritated, happy or sad. They acknowledge those feelings as genuine and allowable. Unsupportive spouses challenge their mate’s feelings with statements like “You shouldn’t feel that way,” or “Quit feeling sorry for yourself.”
• Committed Couples Share Their Thoughts Deeply. They describe what they’re thinking, feeling, dreaming and planning going beyond the routine. Couples who believe their spouses should have Extra Sensory Perception (i.e., know what they are thinking without having to tell them) struggle relationally.
• Committed Couples Enjoy “Expressive Interaction.” Committed couples are engaged. They put down the paper, turn off the TV, give their undivided attention and connect with their spouse. Their behavior shows affection, empathy and the kind of warmth toward each other that translates into feelings of companionship, sexual responsiveness and support.
  
• Committed Couples Also Pay More Attention To The “Little Things” To Show Their Love And Concern. Simply saying “I love you” or phoning during the day or going on dates affirmed their commitment. They also write notes, hold hands, pray together and try to listen well.
  

How A Man Communicates Unfaithfulness

• Comparing Your Wife With Other Women. Whenever you compare your wife’s body, behavior, intelligence or cooking to those of another woman – especially your mom – you’ve made a big mistake.

• Making A Habit of Watching Other Women. You’ve probably already heard the sayings, “It’s okay to look as long as I don’t touch.” or just because, “I’m married doesn’t mean I’m dead.” These sayings perpetuate the false belief of the harmlessness of their behavior. If it’s truly harmless you shouldn’t mind your wife looking at or talking about other men all of the time.

• Bringing Up The “D” Word. A husband should never threaten to divorce his wife. Don’t even say the word. Many married people bring up divorce as a threat to get the other spouse’s attention. Your wife will become insecure if you talk about it, especially if you use it to manipulate or scare her.

About the author

Gerardo Campbell is a Nebraska native who now calls Silicon Valley, California home. In 1995, Gerardo married his wife Roberta aka the Pretty Lady and became the stepdad to her two children. In 2011, he started the website Support for Stepfathers in an effort to reverse the nearly 70% divorce rate for blended families in the United States. His website is to help and inspire stepfathers, aspiring stepfathers and the women who love them worldwide. You can follow Support for Stepdads on Twitter @support4stepdad and on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/resourcesforstepfathers.

Part II of this post will be published next Sunday. You can read the previous posts: He Cares for His Wife Above Anyone or Anything Except God and Admiration and Love for His Wife .