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What To Do If You’re In An Abusive Relationship

This post is in answer to the popular post, “Abusive Relationship – Five Warning Signs You’re In One.”



So you’ve come to the conclusion you’re probably in an abusive relationship.  Now what?  Here are the three critical things you need to do:

Get Support

It’s not unusual for people in abusive relationships to be isolated.

They pull away from people outside their abusive relationship because they’re embarrassed and because the abuser purposefully keeps them isolated from other people as a way of increasing control.

Abusive relationships are, by nature, confusing, and some with physical violence can be life-threatening.

You must set up a support system to help you figure out what is going on and what you need to do.

That support system can consist of:

  • licensed counselors,
  • clergy (as long as the person understands abuse and is supportive),
  • friends,
  • family members, and
  • domestic violence shelters and centers.

The police will come when you call them when you feel threatened and when violence has occurred. If you don’t know where the local shelters are, you can call your local police department and ask them if they have a list.

It’s also important you have a safe place to go in case you need to leave suddenly.

Find someone you trust that will allow you to come at anytime night or day. Keep a bag in your car with a change of clothes, money and other necessities. Unless it’s an immediate emergency, don’t plan to leave a physically abusive relationship without guidance from someone who understands abuse because that is when the most violence occurs.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233

Get Knowledgeable

Physical abuse is fairly obvious, but verbal and emotional abuse is subtle and difficult to recognize, but every bit as damaging.

You need to read about abuse so you can recognize how the abuser uses various tactics to control and punish you.

They include:

  • physical violence,
  • name-calling,
  • minimizing,
  • ridiculing,
  • threats,
  • undermining,
  • hostile anger,
  • belittling,
  • silent treatments,
  • withholding,
  • interrogation,
  • ordering, and
  • intimidation, along with denying any of these occur.

You also need to understand how the abuse affects you and how to respond.

You need to become acquainted with your legal and financial rights, especially if the abuser keeps money and assets hidden from you or if you’re considering a legal separation or a divorce. You also need to understand your rights regarding restraining orders and having an abusive person removed from your home.

When children are involved, you need to know how to protect them and what your rights will be regarding child custody. Make an appointment with an attorney to get basic questions answered unless your local shelter can give you the information you need.

Get Strong

Abuse destroys your self-esteem, and as a result, you doubt yourself and lose your self-confidence.

The abuser may be telling you caused the harm or that you’re crazy, and none of your feelings, thoughts, and perceptions are correct. You may even be told that no one else would ever love or want you.

You have to rebuild your self-esteem by knowing that you don’t cause the abuse, and you don’t deserve the abuse.

You have to learn to validate your feelings, thoughts, and perceptions regardless of what the abuser tells you. You have to believe in yourself and recognize it’s the abuse that has torn you down, and it isn’t true that no one else would love or want you.

You get strong by doing things to take care of yourself: reconnect with friends, get into groups, get a job, enroll in classes to build your skills, exercise, and anything else that reminds you’re valuable as a person.

If you’re in an abusive relationship, make a plan to get support, get knowledgeable, and get strong. It’s what you will have to do to either stop the abuse or get out.In an abusive relationship - first steps for abuse victims

About the author

About the author

This post is by Karla Downing, M.A., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author and founder of ChangeMyRelationship. Karla grew up in a dysfunctional family and eventually found herself in a difficult marriage. Through her struggles, she discovered biblical and practical principles she now teaches to others to change their lives and relationships. I’m signed up for her free relationship tips and truths, and I encourage you to visit her website and sign up for them.


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