A common maxim is “the hardest job in the world is being a parent.” Some might say an even harder job is being a stepparent! As a stepparent, you are responsible for the health, safety and well-being of a child who is not biologically related to you. But, unlike a biological parent, you are not necessarily receiving the same amount of praise, affection and recognition from your child, or from your family, for your efforts.
Despite this challenge, stepparents still strive to be caring, kind and positive influences on their stepchildren. The role and duties of a stepparent don’t only differ from that of parents, they differ from stepparent to stepparent depending on the situation. If you are a new stepparent wondering where to begin your parenting journey, here are six tips to being the greatest stepparent you can be.
1. Spend Special Time Together
Regularly invite your stepchild to accompany you on fun outings. The child will value being asked to join you because it is a sign you care about him or her. Don’t take a negative response personally – some children will always say no. The key is to ask often anyway. Make sure they are loved and wanted by you.
2. Let Affection Build Naturally
Don’t agonize about how to “love the child like your own.” If you and your stepchild naturally grow to love each other over time, that is wonderful. But don’t punish yourself if the relationship ends up being a close friendship instead.
Just try to maintain a friendly, positive relationship with your stepchild, especially at first. Prove yourself as someone who can be a trusted positive influence in their lives.
3. Let Your Stepchild Speak Freely
Relax if your stepchild talks to you about his other biological parent. Your stepchild is not trying to hurt your feelings. Cherish the fact your stepchild feels comfortable enough to speak openly with you about his “other mother” or “other father.”
Don’t ever talk negatively about your spouse’s ex in front of your children. If all you can do is nod and smile at their seemingly crazy story about their other parents, then do that. Just don’t bad mouth or say anything negative.
4. Communicate Often
Communicate sincerely with your stepchild and keep a continuous line of dialogue open with him or her. Regular communication between you will prevent many misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Remember you have two ears and one mouth for a reason.
You should listen much more than you speak. If they want to tell you about their friends at school or a television show they watched, let them, no matter how petty or mundane it may seem to you. The more you listen to the little stuff, the more likely they are to discuss the big things.
5. Coordinate Discipline with Your Spouse
Take time to discuss discipline with your spouse or partner. Decide together in advance how various discipline scenarios will be handled so that when the child misbehaves, both of you react the same way and implement the same disciplinary measures. You need to be united on the parenting front. Your step child may be a little hesitant to take discipline from you at first, but consistency will be key.
6. Seek Support from Others
Find a stepparent support group to join before you need any actual support. You can follow online groups like supportforstepdads.com, or look for a group to meet with face to face in your area. The group will give you lots of great tips and advice any time you need it.
Following these six simple tips, you can establish a close, rewarding, long term relationship with your stepchild. It may not look like other blended family relationships, but that doesn’t matter. Make your new family uniquely your own. As long as everyone is happy, things will work out.
Kara Masterson is a freelance writer from West Jordan, Utah. She graduated from the University of Utah and enjoys writing and spending time with her dog, Max. Information credited to Valerie M Little Law Corp, family lawyer in Coquitlam, BC.
These are great tips, and I believe seeking support from others is one of the best things you can do in this situation. Too often, we are too prideful or embarrassed to ask for help and advice in the times we need it most.
Thank you for your comment, Anita. The stakes are too high to allow pride or embarrassment get in the way of obtaining needed help and advice.
Gerardo
Thanks for the great tips.
I made a commitment to my fiance and her son. A commitment I take serious. I never expected it to be smooth sailing, And I even started a forum for step parents. I just want to be the best I can be. At the end of the day, it’s about the child.
You’re welcome Andy. I’m glad you found the tips helpful. I applaud you for taking your commitment serious. Suggest partnering with another stepfather so you can keep each other accountable and encouraged. I really admire your attitude. I’m sure your fiance and son are blessed to have you in their life.
Gerardo
P.S. Did you know Support for Stepdads has a forum?
I have a son. I’ve help raise him since he was six and now he is 14. I’ve failed in my journey! I am disappointed mostly with myself b/c he spends the majority of every day with me and he has become very antagonistic and extremely rude with a side of potty mouth and I cannot express how truly and utterly devastating it feels to know I’m the one responsible for him being a not so nice person! I feel alone for I have no one my own age w/ a teenage son nor do I have very many good examples to take from being I also came from a broken home! All I’ve ever wanted is to let him know he is loved, cherished, and adored but I screwed up somewhere and let him believe it’s ok to b disrespectful and disceitful. He’s now at an age where I’m trying to hold on b/c I know in a few years he’ll be off on hopefully a journey to become the great man I know he can be! Floating away in sea w/ all the wrong answers is me.. Jen.T.
Hello Jen
Thank you for sharing about your role in your son’s life. It’s obvious you care deeply about him, your role in his life and his future. Your son is lucky to have you as his mom.
It’s not readily clear to me why you feel responsible for him not being a nice person. Did you model the negative behaviors (disrespect and deceit) to your son and did you allow the behaviors to occur with your son receiving no consequences?
If you did, you should be encouraged because you recognized you’ve made some mistakes as most parents do. The encouraging aspect is you’ve realized your mistakes while your son is still within your direct sphere of influence. Many parents don’t realize they’ve made mistakes until their children are long gone and on their own.
Does your son’s Dad feel the same way as you? The most effective way you can successfully correct your child’s behavior is for you and his dad to be on the same page. This is especially important because at 14 your son will probably be more influenced by a significant male. This is not to say you don’t have any influence because you do.
My suggestion is for you to have a serious heart to heart with your son where you acknowledge your mistakes if they exist and about his negative behaviors. Communicate how his continued negative behaviors will derail his path to being a great man and adult. Ideally, it would be best if both you and his dad meet with him together on this which is why I stress you both being on the same page. You and his father should come up with consequences for his negative behaviors and commit to enforcing them.
Finally, ask for God’s help in bringing circumstances into your son’s life where your son eventually realizes how his negative behaviors doesn’t serve him well.
Gerardo