It can be hard being a stepfather to a teenager. You want the child to accept you and respect your style of parenting, but the teen could be determined to clash with you every chance he or she gets. Many stepfathers will go to great lengths to accommodate the teen’s desires in order to ultimately win approval. Unfortunately, this can have an negative effect for developing respect.
Establishing Rules According to Your Experiences
As adults, there may have been a lot of rules you look back on and wonder what your parents were thinking. It’s not that your parents didn’t know what they were doing, but more of teaching you to respect their wishes.
While there are better ways to go about building this respect, bending the rules in order to make the teen happy is not one of them.
You may look back at a rule and decide your up-bringing would have been “more fun” had that particular rule not be in place. In order to provide that more alluring lifestyle for the stepchild, you may feel obligated to do away with various rules in order to make yourself look like the “cool dad.” However, this could further cause dissension in the household.
Know Your Role
Your teen doesn’t need more friends in order to make him or her happy. It is the guidance and love you show in the home that will be more conducive to the child’s development. You need to fully understand your role as a parent.
You’re goal isn’t to be a buddy, but to prepare the teen for what life is truly like once he or she leaves the nest.
This doesn’t mean you have to act like a drill instructor, but you need to enforce the consequences for breaking the rules before it becomes habitual for the child.
Positive Reinforcement
Some parents mistake positive reinforcement with outright bribery. This can be especially true for the stepfather that is having a hard time finding common ground with the child.
Positive reinforcement is more like compliments and encouragement to succeed rather than allowing the child to have his or her own way.
Try to stay away from the “or else” statements and praise good behavior and mannerisms. The more praise a child receives, the more he or she will crave the attention. Regardless of the child’s age, parental approval will always be an integral part of his or her life.
Don’t Try to Replace the Biological Father
Some stepfathers will go to great lengths in order to berate and shatter the views a child has of his or her biological father.
While you may not agree to his methods of raising the child, you shouldn’t involve yourself in that relationship unless it’s clearly putting the child in harm’s way.
Being yourself can do more for your relationship with the teen than trying to surpass his or her view of the biological father. Don’t view raising the teen as some sort of competition.
Support Your Spouse
Some stepfathers try too hard to be the “good guy” in order to gain acceptance by the child.
By not supporting the decisions and rules of your spouse, you are teaching the child that it’s OK to disrespect the individual in such a manner.
However, support can only go so far. If your spouse is clearly in the wrong, then you should confront them about it – away from the child.
The teen needs to see a united front from the parents and belittling each other in his or her presence can undermine authority from one or both of you.
It shouldn’t be your goal to befriend a stepchild. Your role is to be one of nurturing and care.
You don’t have to be the teen’s best friend in order to be the most awesome stepdad in his or her eyes.
Keep your involvement on a parental level and your status could improve through care and concern.
Ken Myers is a father of three and passionate about great childcare. He’s always looking for ways to help families find the support they need to live fuller, richer lives. Find out more about expert childcare by checking out @go_nannies on Twitter.
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