Going through a divorce is unpleasant, complicated, and stressful. This is only compounded if the divorce involves separating yourself from stepchildren with whom you’ve grown close. You’ve probably spent the course of your marriage learning and growing to love your spouse’s children.
Those emotional ties don’t just end with the marriage. But if your marriage is ending, those ties will have to be re-adjusted. It’s a delicate situation—you and your spouse are obviously dissolving your marriage for a reason, so staying in your stepchildren’s lives without stepping on your soon-to-be-ex’s toes is akin to walking a tightrope over a bed of fire with only the thinnest of wires to save you in the case of a misstep.
So how do you re-draw the lines of your post-divorce relationships with your stepchildren?
Ask Your Stepchildren
It is their relationship with you in question, after all. Their opinions of what they want their relationship with you to be post-divorce matter more than those held by anyone else.
Talk to your stepchildren about the kind of relationship they want to maintain with you once the divorce is over. Ask them to give you honest answers about their opinions of the divorce, of your relationship, and of you, and be ready to listen without comment or argument.
Do they still want to remain your friend on social media platforms such as Facebook? Do they still want your phone number in order to call or text you?
Do they still want to spend time with you, and if so how often? How do they wish you to refer to them in conversation with your friends (such as introductions)?
Of course, you have to be prepared for the possibility your stepchildren will not wish to keep you in their lives. Although that would be difficult, you do have to respect their wishes, no matter what their wishes end up being.
Ask Your (Ex-)Spouse
Once you’ve talked to the kids, if they still want you in their lives, you should talk to your spouse. These kids still may be living with your spouse for most of their lives, so your spouse does have some influence over how these kids live their lives.
Your spouse, soon to be your ex, should also be aware if their children are choosing to keep you in their lives – that’s not the kind of knowledge a person wants to be surprised with two months after their divorce.
So sit down with your spouse and have an open, honest, civil dialogue about your continuing role in the children’s lives. If you keep it civil and try to come to a compromise, you are assured a healthy relationship with your stepchildren (and your spouse) post-divorce.
Ask an Attorney
You should also probably ask your attorney or an attorney you know outside of the divorce (a second opinion never hurts) what some usual arrangements are for a continued step-parent relationship after a divorce in a situation like yours. This may give you some ideas you hadn’t thought of for a suitable arrangement to maintain your relationship to the step-children whom you still love.
Once the terms of the divorce are finalized, your attorney is also a good person to counsel with on what is and is not appropriate for your new relationship with your ex-spouse and (former?) stepchildren. Whatever your reasons for divorce are, if you have honest discussions with all of these people, you will be able to set up a healthy post-divorce relationship with your stepchildren.
About the Author
Leslie Mason is a homemaker and garden expert. Leslie enjoys writing, gardening, do-it-yourself projects, and fixing up the house.
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