There’s a saying, “Better sooner, than later.” When it comes to couples struggling in their marriages, seeking outside help as soon as possible can prevent moderate issues from becoming more serious, and serious issues from becoming hopeless.
As human nature often dictates in stressed marriages, pride or shame can keep one or both spouses from seeking professional help that can, many times, turn the marriage around.
Most of us don’t have the psychological tools or training we can effectively use to keep an unhealthy marriage from drowning. For those of us trained in counseling, positive transformations can and do take place!
Let’s take a look at some warning signs in a marriage which, if ignored, can tear a marriage down, brick by brick:
Warning Signs
1. Conflicts are not being solved in healthy ways – chronic yelling, name-calling, silent-treatment, etc.
2. One controlling partner who suffocates the happiness of the other – emotional, mental, physical abuse.
3. Lack of compromise – “My way or the highway…”
4. Little or no communication – except for “communication” involving nagging, dictating or no communication at all.
5. Lust – pornography, affairs and “men’s” clubs.
6. Deception – adultery, lies, cover-ups or half-truths.
7. Arguments – money and/or parenting.
8. Addictions – gambling, sex, alcohol, drugs, personal pursuits.
Becoming Transparent
A skilled marriage counselor will address any of the warning signs, and more, to determine the root causes of the marriage’s deterioration.
In Christian counseling, such as Heartfelt Christian Counseling, incorporating God’s principles into the root causes of marital dissent will become a focus. While non-Christian counseling will look for root causes as well but from a non-spiritual viewpoint.
In either case, the basis for the battles must be exposed to effectively decide what is truly at work within the relationship. Ultimately, clarity and candor, hidden under layers of denial, can eventually work their ways to the surface to help produce healing and restoration.
We’re Human – That’s The Problem
A methodical counselor will discuss human traits which, due to their nature, can run amuck if left unbridled. Here are a few “human conditions” that could be discussed during a counseling session to expose root-causes for relationship dysfunctions:
1: Loving You vs. Loving Me
All too often, one spouse will tip the scales of selfishness and pursue their personal agenda of having his or her needs met most of the time. As flawed human beings, selfishness is a trait we all share; and when a spouse loves himself so much that it causes the other person to feel 2nd or 3rd or last in importance within the marriage, extreme bitterness can ensue.
Both spouses might be asked to dig deep in terms of what they do or don’t do to make their partners feel loved or unloved. Loving one’s spouse as one would want to be loved, may sound easy, but for many, unaddressed self-centeredness can become a marriage killer.
2: Not-So Honest Communication
True communication doesn’t solely mean interaction with one spouse to another, but rather, one’s assessment with oneself. A counselor will be very interested in knowing if a husband or wife feels any personal accountability for conflicts within the marriage.
You have to be brutally transparent with yourself to decide how much of a contributor you might be with any given struggle. If you’re unwilling to “own” responsibility for conflict escalation, a brick wall will be reached; and it’s virtually impossible to make healing if you are stuck in denial. Self-examination is the heart-beat of honest communication.
In Healthy Relationships
1. Humbleness must trump pride
2. Empathy must overpower critical judgment
3. Honesty must undermine deception
4. Love must exceed lust
5. Resolution must be desired over revolution
Missouri is home to Cindi’s full time medical career, as well as her base of operations for motherhood and doodling.
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