I was rolling the empty garbage can from the street back to the side of the house. I saw my neighbor one house away in her driveway on the phone. I waved, “Hello” but there was no return wave. Hmmm, maybe she didn’t see me. I went back out to the street to get the recycling can. I made sure to stop in her field of vision and waved again, but there was still no wave in return.
Then my self talk started, “She doesn’t like me” or “Maybe she’s prejudice”. Before I allowed the talk to go any further I reminded myself to, “Not take it personally.” The fact she was on the phone outside in her driveway indicated she might be involved in a sensitive conversation and she was probably just oblivious to the outside world. Her failure to return my greeting had nothing to do with me.
“Don’t take it personally” may sound cliche, but this is sound advice for life especially life within the blended family. I first heard the adage during my doolie (freshman) year at the Air Force Academy. Invariably, I would be corrected by an upperclassman for some infraction, like not walking at attention, sloppy table decorum or substandard uniform appearance.
I would get verbally defensive, but I quickly learned that only got me in more hot water. Thankfully, one day an upperclassman pulled me aside and explained to me the corrections weren’t about me personally and whether or not I was liked or disliked. The corrections were to help make me into the best possible Air Force officer.
At that point, I began to break the chains of bondage to what others did or said about me. Everything is not about me. To take actions and words personally is at some level agreeing with whatever was said or done. The minute you agree you are in bondage to others. How can you not take things personally? It’s not going to be easy when you have an obnoxious biological parent, a stepchild that is angry with you, or in-laws speak harshly about you.
Rather than react and return the attack, remember it is not about you (even when they say it is). It is about them. Don’t take it personally.
We are only responsible for how we act. As parents, we are responsible to our children for what we do and how we treat those around us. If you learn to not take things personally, then teach this concept to your children you’ll be giving your children and yourself an invaluable gift.
Here are several tips for not taking things personally:
- Act. Commit to acting and stop reacting to the hurtful words and actions of others.
- Busy. Remember people are caught up with their own stuff. When people get busy they probably will not have the time to respond the way you would like.
- Communicate. If something doesn’t feel right, check it out with the other person. Be proactive. Say, “This may sound strange, but…” or “I’m afraid I may have said something out of line. Is that possible?” Most be people will be pleased you cared enough to clear the air.
- Avoid Collusion. Calling a friend to share your side of things is one of the best ways of perpetuating the pattern of taking things personally.
- Don’t Respond in Kind. Remember hurtful words and actions are not going to get someone to change. Also, remember you are modeling for your children.
- Wait. Before you respond to any problematic call, text, email, etc. wait at least a day before responding. Ignore the natural desire to defend yourself. After a day, you’ll probably find you don’t need to do anything. It really is about the other person.
The biggest benefits of not taking things personally are self-awareness and clarity. If you experienced this state you know how good it feels. Once you get a taste of it, you’ll work to be in that state more often. Even if you fall back into old patterns you’ll understand it’s your choice whether or not to remain stuck. Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”
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