John Rosemond’s Perspective On The Stepfamily

John Rosemond’s perspective on the stepfamily is quite enlightening. Also known as America’s most widely-read parenting expert. Since 1971, John has worked with families, parents, and children in family psychology. 

He is a nationally syndicated columnist and authored several best-selling parenting books. He’s also known for his sound advice, humor, and relaxed, engaging style. 

In recent years, John’s appeared on numerous national television programs, including 20/20, Good Morning America, The View, The Today Show, CNN, and numerous print interviews. 

The following is based on two articles from John Rosemond titled “John Rosemond: Marriage relationship must come first in stepfamilies,” http://www.ohio.com/lifestyle/john-rosemond-marriage-relationship-must-come-first-in-stepfamilies-1.199487   and “John Rosemond: Reflecting on today’s stepfamilies,” http://www.omaha.com/article/20110614/LIVING/706149997.

John Rosemond’s Perspective On The Stepfamily

In the 1950s, John grew up in a stepfamily, although it wasn’t called stepfamily.  John relates that they were a family. They weren’t really different from any other family, as far as he could tell.  

John called his stepfather “Dad.”  His biological father, who only saw in the summers and lived over a thousand miles away, had no problem with that.   

His stepfather set rules, assigned responsibilities, and disciplined him when he felt John needed discipline.  John’s mother allowed her husband to raise her son without interference.

According to John, the primary problem concerning today’s stepfamilies is that the members don’t act like they’re living in a family.  Instead, they act as living in a “step,” emphasizing the prefix. 

Under these conditions, the stepparent is as a houseguest on an extended visit.  He believes this is especially the case when the stepparent doesn’t get a free disciplinary license with their spouse’s children.  

Allowing the stepparent free disciplinary license is contrary to the philosophies of Doctors Laura Schlessinger and Phil, who both feel a stepparent should not discipline their stepchildren.  

Most mental health professionals have also adopted their philosophy. These experts claim that when the stepparent disciplines, there’s a violation of boundaries. 

This violation causes the stepchild confusion and resentment from the child and biological parent. It can cause rebellion and other equally bad stuff.

John believes the dramatic increase in the divorce rate for stepfamilies is mainly because stepparents follow the recommendations of Doctor Laura and Phil and most mental health professionals.   

John feels it creates an us-and-them family that isn’t a family at all.  It’s just a collection of people with significant, unresolved territorial issues attempting to live under one roof.  It’s a convenient financial arrangement, but that’s about the best it gets.

John claims there was no confusion when growing up in his blended family. He stated that when he went to live with his biological father, his rebelliousness hit an all-time high. He didn’t resent his stepfather’s discipline any more than he resented his mother’s discipline.   

After living with him for a little over a year, he called his mom. He begged to come home even though his biological dad had given him a car and set him up in his apartment at 16.   

He gave all that up for a stepfather who only let him drive his car occasionally and had him do things like paint the house and weed the yard by hand.

John makes the following recommendations:

Marriage Relationship First

When blending a family, the marriage relationship must come first.  This is the number one family rule regardless of prefixes or their lack.

Parent-Children Relationships Reduced

It is in everyone’s best interest that the preexisting parent-child relationships be “reduced” and moved to the proverbial back seat. It’s advisable to prepare the children in advance so their new status doesn’t come as a shock. The more proactive the adults involved, the more likely everyone will succeed in the new family arrangement. 

Parental Authority Over the Children

Both adults have authority over the children in their household. The couple should jointly establish the household rules and communicate the rules to the children.

This will ensure their understanding and then ensure the children’s compliance.  There should be regular open communication about the discipline and care for all the children.

Please understand that I’m not promoting John’s experience growing up in a blended family as the answer for all of us and not even for the majority of us who find ourselves in a blended family.  There are too many dynamics that demand consideration to include the following:

• Maturity and Temperament of the Stepparent,
• Hypersensitivity and Defensiveness about any Discipline on the part of the Non-Biological Parent,
• Role of the “Ex” (biological parent) in the New Family, and
• Ages of the Children at the Time of Blending.

Considering the high divorce rate of blended families attributable to parenting issues, I feel what John has to say deserves serious consideration.  I’m in complete agreement with the prioritization of the marital relationship and the corresponding reduction of the parent-child relationship.   

I think it’s safe to conclude that what Dr’s Laura and Phil have been recommending hasn’t achieved the desired level of success. It’s time to adopt a fresh new approach – an approach unique to your family and circumstances.  To be sure to learn what will work in your blended family will require diligence, communication, and determination.