What do former President Bill Clinton, Senator John Edwards, former South Carolina Governor Mark Stanford, talk show host David Letterman, former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, golfer Tiger Woods, and, most recently, former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger have in common? These are all high-profile men whose extramarital affairs have, in the majority of cases, irreparably damaged the relationships with their wives, children, and families and permanently tarnished their reputations and legacies.
I write this as a man not above the behaviors of these men – all of us, any of us, can be tempted by sex, but by the grace of God, I haven’t followed their paths. It is also not from a place of judgment nor condemnation, but I do look at their lives as lessons and reminders of the stakes involved when infidelity is committed. I was initially sympathetic to Arnold when hearing he and Maria were separating after 25 years of marriage, but as the rest of the story came out about his indiscretions, that all changed when I considered the wreckage of his selfish acts:
- A highly probable, costly, public, and humiliating end to his marriage
- The loss of respect and trust of his children
- Another son who is traumatized by the news associated with his mom and celebrity dad
- Arnold’s son Patrick is changing his last name to Shiver from Schwarzenegger
- Traumatizing his family by having their unknowing participation in a lie for the past 13+ years
- A “delay” to his comeback movie career
When I was in the military, we used checklists to guide us in critical situations. We practiced these checklists regularly so that when a particular problem presented itself, we could respond. A man must be intentional about preventing infidelity in his relationship. Not only do you need a plan, but you must be able to implement it at a moment’s notice. Here are six protective “HEDGES” we can build around our marriages to keep them intact and flourishing.
- Hearing – Listening to your spouse is the key to unlocking their heart. People who have committed adultery often say, “My wife/husband never listened to me – they never heard me.”
- Encouraging – Experience the teamwork building power of a helping hand and a compliment. Focus on your mate’s positive qualities.
- Dating – Regularly spend alone time with your spouse. Build a life that celebrates marriage. Have fun, laugh and play together.
- Guarding – Establish safeguards for your relationship. Set clear boundaries that neither of you should cross. Wear your wedding ring. When faced with a compromising situation, run —don’t walk —to the nearest exit.
- Educating – Study your mate as if they were a textbook. Seek to understand and appreciate your mate’s unique qualities. Have a relationship with another man who knows you, and you know him, so you can keep each other accountable.
- Satisfying – Meet each other’s needs. Ask your spouse what they need from you, and then do those things.
Gentlemen, we must be present to the pain in our lives. We can’t keep acting out our past wounds by escaping from our pain into the arms of a woman. And we can’t keep waiting for women who hold us accountable for our actions. We need to deal with our woundedness before the roof falls in on us.
We must be men of courage, men of commitment, men of honor to stand with women of like heart and mind to lead the way. Sure, we all have fantasies about checking things out on the grass on the other side of the fence. You only have to read the stories of the men I named above to know with certainty the grass is NOT greener – it’s full of weeds, thorns, and holes. We must grow up—there are more important things we have to do. The world needs us. Our wives need us. Our children and grandchildren need us. Focus on maintaining your HEDGES and on the care and feeding of the grass on your side of the fence.
