What do former President Bill Clinton, Senator John Edwards, former South Carolina Governor Mark Stanford, talk show host David Letterman, former New York Mayor Rudy Guiliani, golfer Tiger Woods, and most recently former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger have in common? These are all high profile men whose extra marital affairs have in the majority of cases irrepairably damaged the relationships with their wives, children and families and permanently tarnished their reputations and legacies. I write this as a man not above the behaviors of these men – all of us, any of us, can be tempted by sex but by the grace of God I haven’t followed their paths. I am not judging nor condemning these men but I do look at their lives as lessons and reminders of the stakes involved when infidelity is committed. I was initially sympathetic for Arnold when hearing he and Maria were separating after 25 years of marriage but as the rest of the story came out about his indiscretions that all changed when I considered the wreckage of his selfish acts:
- A highly probable costly, public and humiliating end to his marriage
- The loss of respect and trust of his children
- Another son who is traumatized by the news associated with his mom and celebrity dad
- Arnold’s son Patrick changing his last name to Shiver from Schwarzenegger
- Traumatizing his family by having their unknowing participation in a lie the past 13+ years
- A “delay” to his comeback movie career
When I was in the military we used checklists we would refer to when certain critical situations came up. We practiced these checklists regularly that when a particular situation presented itself we could respond . A man must be intentional about preventing infidelity in his relationship. Not only do you need a plan but you must be able to implement the plan at a moment’s notice. Here are six protective “HEDGES” we can build around our marriages to keep them intact and flourishing.
- Hearing – Listening to your spouse is the key to unlocking their heart. People who have committed adultery often say, “My wife/husband never listened to me – they never heard me.”
- Encouraging – Experience the teamwork building power of a helping hand and a compliment. Focus on the positive qualities of your mate.
- Dating – Regularly spend alone time with your spouse. Build a life that celebrates marriage. Have fun, laugh and play together.
- Guarding – Establish safeguards for your relationship. Set clear boundaries, that neither of you should cross. Wear your wedding ring. When faced with a compromising situation – run don’ t walk to the nearest exit.
- Educating – Study your mate as if he or she was a textbook. Seek to understand and appreciate your mate’s unique qualities. Have a relationship with another man who knows you and you know him so you can keep each other accountable.
- Satisfying – Meet each other’s needs. Ask your spouse what he or she needs from you, and then do those things.
Gentlemen, we must be present to the pain in our lives we can’t keep acting out our past wounds by escaping from our pain into the arms of a woman. And we can’t keep waiting for women who hold us accountable for our actions. We need to deal with our woundedness before the roof falls in on us.
We must be men of courage, men of commitment, men of honor to stand with women of like heart and mind to lead the way. Sure, we all have fantasies about checking things out the grass on the other side of the fence. You only have to read the stories on men I named above to know with certainty the grass is NOT greener – it’s full of weeds, thorns and holes. We must grow up – there are more important things we have to do. The world needs us. Our wives need us. Our children and grandchildren need us. Focus maintaining your HEDGES and the care and feeding of the grass on your side of the fence.
