In 2010, the number of blended families exceeded the number of nuclear families in the United States. Today, it’s nearly commonplace for a man to find himself falling in love with a woman who has children from a previous marriage. While you are not their father you still have responsibility toward them because of your relationship with their mom and an adult in the household.
Figuring out the best way to handle the responsibility is walking a difficult fine line between stranger and family – for both you and for the kids.
There is a reason the “wicked stepmother” is such a powerful image in children’s literature. The idea of a new person coming in and taking the place of a beloved parent is scary for kids and they can act out in all sorts of unpleasant ways.
It can make it difficult to show them the sort of love they require – partly because it’s tough for a stepdad to know just what is appropriate.
But even if parenting is an entirely new concept to you there are a few things you can do to help you be a good stepdad:
1. Talk to the Children’s Mother about your Role.
In many households, the stepfather is given absolutely no say in disciplining the children. Sometimes it’s because the mother doesn’t want to give up the control of being the sole parental influence and it side-steps the arguments of “you’re not my dad”.
This decision is up to you and your wife. But part of being a good parent is fair, firm discipline, and if you aren’t given any rights in this regard it can create real confusion and disharmony in your family.
Make the decision instead to discuss all matters of discipline between the two of you for awhile and form a united front. That way, the kids will begin to see you as parent, too, and not just the new guy Mom brought home.
2. Choose your Battles Wisely.
Children constantly test boundaries, doubly so with stepparents. It might start with a refusal to go to bed on time, to turn down the stereo, or to help with dishes. After your requests have been ignored a few times, you may find yourself starting to get angry.
Take a step back and put it into perspective. Think about what will be more important a year – or five years – from now, having developed a relationship or getting the dishes done.
Your stepchildren are trying to find out what kind of person you are and what your relationship will be, and if you fly into a fury over a missed bedtime you’ll reinforce all their worst fears about having a stepfather.
3. Be Supportive and Positive.
Congratulate your step kid when she gets a good grade on a test, and show interest in their lives and their schoolwork. Don’t be surprised if they grumble or downplay the achievement – remember, they aren’t sure how to act with you, either, but if you keep showing that you like and care about them, they’ll appreciate it.
4. Recognize Emotions, both Theirs and your Own.
Everybody has ups and downs, and they can be especially intense for children. Acknowledge that they’ll be sad once in awhile, especially if there are visitation and custody issues between their mother and her ex. Respect their feelings just as you would want yours respected, and don’t insist that they put on a big, fake smile all the time to “prove” they’re happy.
The same goes for you – be emotionally honest, and don’t try to be jolly all the time because you think that’ll make for a happier family. Let your stepchildren get to know the real you, even when you’re cranky, tired or stressed out.
Just don’t take it out on them, and talk honestly about your feelings instead.
5. Put Punishment into Perspective.
Punishing mistakes or bad behavior is often the least effective technique for getting kids to behave. The most successful way to deal with potential problems is discuss with your wife ways to set reasonable expectations and what to do if they aren’t met. Limiting television, Internet use and cellphone calls if homework isn’t completed is one way to handle a problem.
Doling out “credit” for extra TV time if they do chores is another. Kids do best when they know what the rules are and what will happen if they don’t fulfill their obligations – and it’ll make it easier for you as a stepfather to enforce those rules if everyone has agreed on what they are.
The most important secret to being a good stepfather is simply to be patient and loving. Your role in the family will be established in time – in the beginning, just be the kindest, most giving person you can be, and you will soon find that your stepchildren accept you as a parent.
Read more great tips on how to be a good stepdad in the Archive How to Be a Good Stepdad.
