“Vindictive” means having a desire to pursue revenge. This means your “ex-spouse” has a desire to hurt you, to see you suffer and to inflict punishment and pain on you. If you thought being married to a difficult person was hard, you now may be finding out what it is like to be divorcing or divorced from a difficult person and the person is not willing to go away quietly.
Vindictive EX Behaviors
Here are some of the things a vindictive “ex” may do:
- Interfere with new relationships and your personal life.
- Follow you and show up where you are.
- Bad mouth you to the kids, family members, friends and co-workers.
- Make phone calls/texts to you asking you about where you are and what you are doing.
- Ask other people you know about your life.
- Blame you for everything that goes wrong with their life and the children.
- Withhold cooperation on parenting, visitation, financial matters, support payments and the divorce.
- Accuse you of things you haven’t done.
- File restraining orders against you based on lies.
- Continually drag you into court.
Some of these things are annoying; others have financial consequences; and a few are dangerous. They need to be dealt with according to their severity and the effect on your life.
Responses To A Vindictive EX
Here are some things you can do in response:
- Refuse to argue with your “ex” or get drawn into the drama. Recognize some of the things are hooks dangled in front of you to get you to react. Don’t bite the hook.
- Accept you won’t be able to defend yourself to everyone. Resist the urge to call everyone and set the record straight. If you see someone and you feel like you want to comment, just say something like “You’ve only heard one side of the story and from what I have heard, it is filled with lies.” Recognize that you will lose some friends and in laws over the divorce.
- Correct important lies told to the children, but resist the desire to bad mouth your “ex” to them since it makes you just as bad. Remember, your “ex” is vindictive and might draw you back into court claiming parental alienation so be careful what you say and how you say it.
- If the behavior amounts to stalking, file a police report.
- If there are any physical threats, violence to you or your property or harassment, get a restraining order.
- Get the legal help you need to protect yourself. File the proper reports with the court that involve violating court orders including custody and visitation and support payments. Consult an attorney on accusations and legal matters right away so you handle them wisely.
- Have consistent boundaries with your own life. Refuse to discuss your personal life or allow your “ex” access to your work, friends or home.
- If your “ex” is difficult and will take a mile if you offer an inch, then don’t agree to any changes in your custody schedules or financial deals. If the answer is always “NO!” you won’t open up the door to continual requests that draw you back into the drama.
- You don’t have to answer the door, phone, texts or emails. You can even let your “ex” know they will automatically be deleted so any effort to send them will be wasted.
Your vindictive “ex” will be able to hurt you less, if you do what you can do to protect yourself from the revengeful tactics. Do you have additional tips on how to deal with a vindictive ex? Please write them in the Comments below. Thank you.
Karla is a frequent contributor to Support for Stepdads. Please check out some of her previous articles:
Is He Right For You and Your Children
Depression – Fighting the Holiday Blues
Help For Children Dealing with a Difficult Stepparent
