“Triangulation” means stepping into the relationship between two people. The third person creates a triangle which changes the dynamics and can cause all kinds of problems.
By stepping in, you are making a statement that implies the two cannot work it out on their own and one person is being mistreated by the other. In other words, you appear to be taking a side.
Triangulation Isn’t Healthy If:
• It prevents two people from talking directly.
• It enables a person to continue doing something wrong because of your intervention.
• It increases the drama and intensity of the problem by escalating the conflict.
• It is a pattern you find yourself driven to do repeatedly.
• It is affecting your own spiritual, emotional or mental serenity.
Triangulation Is Healthy If:
• You truly need to stand up for a person who is a helpless victim and being abused. The problem is defining who is a victim. Children technically can’t stand up for themselves with an adult, but if they are dealing with a difficult parent who is not abusive, the child will benefit from learning how to deal with a difficult person.
• You are asked to mediate and both people are open to your help.
• It doesn’t hurt you or your relationship with another person.
• It doesn’t prevent someone from having to deal with the consequences of their own behavior.
One of the things you have to learn is how to let your children deal with their stepdad or stepmom. All relationships require work and have times that are stressful.
If you intervene with their relationship regularly, you will prevent them from working out their relationship and cause resentment in your spouse. If you find yourself feeling protective of your child and compelled to jump in, ask yourself these questions:
• Am I overreacting? Is this really a big deal or can I let it go?
• Would I feel this way if my spouse was the biological parent instead of the stepparent and the same thing was happening?
• Would it benefit my child to work through this on their own?
• Is this about my child’s and spouse’s relationship?
• Is my child at fault at all?
Answering these questions will give you insight into whether or not it is healthy for you to jump in the middle.
Proverbs 26:17 says, “Like one who seizes a dog by the ears is a passer-by who meddles in a quarrel not his own.”
What will happen? He will get bit. Instead, try minding your own business when it isn’t appropriate for you to get involved. You will find your marriage and stepfamily will have less drama and more harmony.
Karla has authored several posts in the past:
Reconciling with an Estranged Adult Stepchild
How Should a Stepdad Handle Feeling Unappreciated?
Help for Children Dealing with a Difficult Stepparent
Please make sometime to check them out.
