No matter how hard you searched to find your “perfect” match, if you married a human being, you can expect a few bumps along the road. Feelings and emotions, past scars and other barriers can make things far more complex than words could ever express. That complexity can be very challenging at times.
These barriers can lead to some very serious consequences.
According to marriage and family therapist, Jannelle Tamm Magnuson,
the biggest reason for serious discord in marriage is the absence of healthy intimacy.
Couples who come to Magnuson often feel lost in the tangle of their emotions. They can’t figure out how to free themselves while preserving their marriage. So how can spouses tear down their walls and find true connection in their relationship again?
Though many complexities may be a part of your marriage, there is a fundamental principle that is the foundation of any relationship that lasts a lifetime:
charity fosters intimacy, and entitlement or selfishness suffocates it.
Therefore choose charity at every turn in your relationship.
Here’s a more in depth look at what entitlement and charity mean:
Entitlement
What Is It?
Entitlement is a demanding, self-serving attitude that poisons our relationship. It can manifest itself in the form of criticism or of taking your spouse for granted. Some signs of entitlement in marriage include:
- Not appreciating your spouse for the things he or she does because “it’s their job”
- Getting mad at your spouse for not fulfilling an unspoken request
- Not giving your spouse the chance to lead and have responsibility in the home
- Stubborn unwillingness to compromise in conflict
One common example of entitlement is when a spouse gives conditionally. Though he or she will feel like they are giving the world to their partner, the act of service is unavoidably tainted by the expectation of something in return.
This kind of giving is poisonous to a marriage or any relationship because whenever the return of the favor doesn’t happen as expected – whether that be in physical intimacy, affection, service or quality time – love is suffocated by the resulting feelings.
A wife may make her husband dinner in hopes he’ll invest himself more in the children’s lives. A husband may take extra hours at work to make more money so his wife can have more to spend on what she’d like and expect her adoration and affection in return.
While these kinds of gestures can be beautiful expressions of love, the whole effort rots when a self-serving and entitled attitude is at the root.
Why Does It Cause Problems In My Marriage?
All of us come into marriage with unrealistic expectations. In some ways we all have to heal from these expectations and falsehoods we’ve learned while growing up.
When you selfishly demand your spouse perfectly meet all your expectations, you drive the other person away. You rob your spouse of the acceptance they so deeply need from you, even if you aren’t aware of it.
How fun is it to do nice things for someone who never appreciates anything you do and gets mad at you all the time for failing to meet uncommunicated expectations? Entitlement throws your marriage into a vicious cycle of discontentment. You make unreasonable demands, so your spouse gives up trying to please you. You become even more upset with your spouse, and the cycle continues.
How Do I Stop It?
Entitlement is a bad habit that truly most of us have had since childhood. We believe we deserve to be happy and it is the other person’s job to make us happy. The cure for this unhealthy attitude is charity, a divine kind of love free from conditions and strings attached.
Charity
What Is It?
Charity is unconditional love. Charity is acceptance, service and forgiveness over and over again. Charity looks for ways to make the other person happy while expecting nothing in return. The magic of charity is when you drop your conditions and expectations, you receive more than your heart could ever need.
Someone with charity looks outward more than they look inward. It’s not the abundance of charitable acts that make a difference, but rather the consistency of charitable acts, words and sacrifices that make a life time difference in a marriage.
Charity has a simplicity about it. One woman named Elizabeth described an excellent example of true love in a marriage:
We were married for a few years when I came down with a sudden, violent case of food poisoning. One moment I was sitting on the couch watching TV with my husband and the next moment I was in the tiny powder room with the door closed and was sending my dinner down the porcelain bowl.
A gentle voice on the other side of the door asked if he could help and I mumbled something in response. A moment or two later the door opened a little bit and an arm reached around to gently touch my shoulder while I sat on the floor. On the other side of the door my sweet husband was also sitting on the floor providing the only kind of comfort possible with the space limitations.”
Both the act of her husband and the gratitude of the wife are examples of the kind of charity that should be everlasting in our marriage. It was very obvious the love shared here was unconditional. The small imperfections couldn’t stop the love between this couple.
Why Does It Strengthen My Marriage?
While entitlement thrusts us into a negative cycle, charity starts a cycle of closeness. When you show charity, your spouse is drawn to you. Pure love works a little like light. It’s hard to hide it when there is a lot of it. This light is what perpetuates fond feelings in a marriage. It’s hard to feel any lasting anger toward someone demonstrating unconditional love.
How Do I Develop It?
Look for ways to be a blessing to your spouse – even when he or she doesn’t deserve it. Charity is the most effective way of softening tension.
Pray for the ability to recognize the opportunity to love your spouse, then pray for the strength to take that opportunity.
Spend time around people who do have charity in them and their relationships because their light will rub off on you and your marriage.
Author Bio: Hannah Whittenly is a freelance writer and full-time mother from Sacramento, CA. Her two boys keep her very busy, but they are her inspiration for much of her writing. Her favorite subjects to write about are family and business.
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