If you’ve become a spouse to a man or woman with a child or children, there’s plenty of reason to celebrate. You and your spouse both have a second chance at love and you’ve created a new blended family. The addition of children can complicate the dynamics of a new marriage. Sometimes kids feel they truly belong to their biological parents.
Stepparents often consider adoption to assist with this challenge, but before you begin the process, there are some basic things to know and do. Here are a few suggestions to make the process flow smoother.
Speak to a Family Attorney
Every blended family situation comes with its own set of dynamics. Custody arrangements may be unclear and bitter or even nonexistent. Family members on both sides may have strong feelings about adoption that will further complicate the legal process.
Therefore, find your best local family lawyer as soon as possible even before considering adoption.
Ideally, your attorney should be experienced in adoptions particularly those involving divorcees or widows.
He or she can lay out all the legalese you need to know and give you best-case and worst-case scenarios regarding how long an adoption should take.
If you or your spouse have past experiences that might disrupt adoptions, such as past addictions or affairs, your attorney can also help you find character witnesses to truthfully but positively represent you.
Discuss Adoption with the Children
You’re adopting the kids, so they should have a lot of say in how adoption will look. The way you approach this topic will depend on the child’s age and level of understanding.
For younger kids, you can say something like, “Your mom and I are married now, which means we’re permanent family. You’ll always be family, but I want you to be permanent, too. I’d like to adopt you which means I would become your dad.”
For older kids, you can feel free to add a few more words about the legality of adoption and the reasons you’d like to adopt. No matter the child’s age, though, keep a few things in mind. Make it clear you are not trying to replace or be better than another parent.
The children will legally have your name and may be called that, but do not have to call you Mom or Dad. Some judges may also let children opt out of taking the adoptive parent’s name so the change is only on paper.
Provide Consistency and Security
A lot of kids worry that once one parent adopts, there will be discrepancies in how that parent’s biological children vs. adopted ones are treated. They may also try to pit parents against each other, claiming only the biological parent’s rules and discipline carry weight.
Sibling rivalry can also be a big concern, as kids may try to form “factions.” To prevent this, talk to your spouse before adoption is brought up. Together, set some standard ground rules for both sets of children.
Make sure the rules and discipline are consistent for everybody and that both parents enforce the rules, even in the others absence. No matter what, present a united front and constantly emphasize your love for all your children without condition.
Adopting children is a joyous occasion. Yet, for a stepparent, it can be filled with fear as he or she wonders about acceptance, discipline, and other issues. Use these tips to help your family transition to blended status and let all your kids, step, adopted or biological, know that both parents love them.
Some information in this article credited to Newfoundland lawyers, Gittens & Associates.
Erika Remmington is a recent graduate of the University of California, Berkeley in linguistics with a minor in business. She is a wife, new mother, avid rock climber and an independent free lance writer.
Are you a stepparent that adopted their stepchildren? Can you give some additional advice or considerations in the Comments?
