Creating your new blended family is harder than it may sound. Your children are moving in with children who belong to your spouse. These children are now brothers and sisters. Your family is expanding, this is your second marriage and you need help sorting everything out.
The four steps outlined below will give you a chance to organize your family. Your children deserve to live in a nice home and they deserve smooth blending of the two families.
1. Don’t Change Their Birth Order
You and your spouse likely have children that mesh together into one long
birth order for the family. However, your oldest child and your spouse’s oldest child are still the oldest. The babies are still the babies.
If a child loses their place in birth order to someone else, it creates tension in the family. Also, children who have their birth order altered are more likely to suffer from depression and trust issues.
Allow your children to be who they were before you got married.
2. Remember The Kids Didn’t Choose This
Your children may have a hard time adjusting to a new living situation. Your children didn’t choose your new spouse and fall in love. Also, your ex is probably still very much on their minds. This means you have turned their world upside down. The kids need time to adapt. You must understand they may not like the situation.
Having family activities as a whole will allow them to accept their new life situation and to develop a strong relationship with the other new members of his family. Never force them to participate in activities if they don’t want to as creating resentment will destroy any possible progress to be had.
3. You Must Parent All The Children
It is difficult to parent your stepchildren, but you must do so for everyone’s sanity. Your children are used to doing as you say. Your spouse’s children are used to the rules from their old home. You have to sit all the children down and explain the rules of the house. You also have to explain what is expected of the children regarding obedience and respect.
It is very easy for children to claim someone is not their mommy or daddy, but that doesn’t change the rules of the house. It is also very easy to want to be the nice parent to gain the child’s friendship. Though developing a quality relationship is the ultimate goal it will not be achieved by being the child’s friend.
4. Prepare The Kids For Confusion
Schools can be a tough place for all kids. The kids who have a different last name as their parents have an even tougher time. Prepare your kids for the confusion inherent in their last name now being different from yours. This will cut down on hurt feelings at school.
Help them understand their worth and identity does not come from their 
name, but that it comes from their character and entire family as a whole. Your child might also have a tough time coping with the change while amongst their friends and not know how to explain the change in their family situation to their friends.
This could cause embarrassment and anti social behavior. The last thing you want is for your marital decisions to have an impact on the mental and emotional growth of your child. Helping them understand how to explain the situation at school and understand it better themselves will allow for acceptance and happiness.
You must blend your family carefully, and all four steps above help your children to join the blended family safely. When the kids feel safe in their new family, they will thrive.
Information credit to Valerie M. Little Law Corporation, a New Westminster, British Columbia law firm.
Erika Remmington is a recent graduate of the University of California, Berkeley. She’s been free-lance writing for three years. She enjoys spending time with her husband and 18 month old daughter in her spare time.
Did you learn something from this post? Erika’s point about birth order was interesting. It does make sense a child’s birth order doesn’t change just because they joined blended family. Birth order is based on biology not remarriage. With that said how a blended family actually carries this out is another story. Any blended families with his and her children have a comment on this?
